Residence Orders - Children/Cafcass etc

[Piratemum123]

Hi all. Hopefully one of you can give us a little bit of help/advice, perhaps someone here has been in the same situation.

My partner has two children under 5, he and his ex (children's mother) have informally agreed to share the care of the children 50/50. There are no current court orders or residency orders in place regarding contact or where the children live. The children live with us one week and their mother the next week.

Cafcass have now become involved due to another issue (not directly relating to the children). It is now almost certain that leading on from this a court are likely to be ruling on residency of the children We have been advised that cafcass are very likely to recommend to the court that very young children (they are both under 5) should not be spending 7 nights at a time with each parent and that it could be detimental to them and that they should have one set home and lots ofcontact with the other parent too.

DP is very worried. He obviously wants what is best for his children but understandably doesn't want to see them only every othe weekend as we have been told often this is ordered by the court. He wants to do everything he can both in the children's best interests and his own to ensure if the court do order one parent has them more that it is him. There are no issues with either of them like drink or drugs or abuse or anything that means one is less appopriate to have the children. Can anyone make any recommendations?

The alternate week care has only been in place for less than 4 months. Before that, for around 9 months he had them most nights, she often "had" them
during the day and she paid him maintenance via csa on the basis of her having them overnight one night per week.

He has the child benefit in his name as he had them much more than she did. She lives a 15 min drive from the school and nursery he lives in the home which has historically always been the children's home (10 min walk from the school). The children's medical reords, G.P's etc is all registered to his address as is the primary school and nursery.

We are moving in together with my daughter too. This means we will be able to care for the children between us without the need to use much if any childcare. The children's mother has recently increased her work hours and we assume this means the children may be in full day care 8-6 a fir bit when she has them. Of course many people use childcare but DP is of the thinking that surely the kids are better to be with him/at home than in paid daycare. He is soon changing his workplace to work near the school and is going to reduce his hours too so he can spend even more time with them

So for the last year he can prove he has had them much more than she has so it's is what the children are more used to and we believe that if the court are to order one parent to have them more that it should be him. We also try and encourage contact and communication between her and the children, we get the children to call her etc something that she has yet to do.

So, I'm waffling now but any advice or tips would be very welcome.

Thanks.

Disney. Yes, EXP doesn't want him to stop the youngest attending the nursery. It's awful and DP has made a complaint to Ofsted about the leader. She claims it's for continuity for the kids but has arranged her own Childminder which DP won't be able to use on "his" weeks as she won't give any details. The youngest DSS may end up in a shit nursery 3 full days every week, with her CM loads and with our CM just a little bit. So daft. He thinks they should scrap the shot nursery and share a Childminder. One setting, sorted. However due to financial issues he would be constantly worried she wouldn't pay her share but he'd be willing to take the risk I bet.

She sorts out childcare when the children are in her care, he sorts out childcare when they are in his care. Sorted. It doesn't have to be so fucking difficult.

What are the PARENTS (his mother and father, not you!) going to do when they go to school?

It's not your "his" time and "her" time - it's their time.

The children have a right to a meaningful relationship with both of their parents, resident and non-resident. The parents have a responsibility to provide that.

You need to step back and let the parents sort it out. It's actually nothing to do with you.

Pirate your stance seems to change from thread to thread.

Is your dp going to court to try for residency with the mum getting alternate weekends?

You're actually surprised at how she reacts to you?

Curiosity- Precisely! But she is trying to go through court to force him to keep their youngest at the nursery he goes to for 3 full days every week. DP wants to take him out. It's shit and unecessary for him
to be there so much. That's it really. DP is going to have to contest it.

This shit nursery is the same one that your DP and his ex chose together for their DCs, isn't it? The one they have continued to use since they separated despite all the other changes to the childcare arrangements?

What who has changed your DPs opinion of the nursery?

pirate when your DPs ex started legal action, your DP was planning to enrol their DS's in a different nursery which they would attend when they were in his care, wasn't he? IIRC, that would mean that they would attend 4 different formal childcare settings every 2 weeks?

I hope that the advice you've previously been given has highlighted how disruptive that could be - it sounds like he has decided against a second nursery, now - is that right?.

But I'm sure that his ex has been advised by her legal team that she can seek a specific issue order that ensures that if your DP does choose to use group childcare then the existing nursery should be the preferred choice.

Given your DPs apparent lack of awareness of the damage that multiple changes in primary carer can do to a child as young as his DS's and his continued exclusion of his ex from key decisions in the DCs lives - I don't think it is unreasonable for his ex to seek some assurances through the court, and I imagine that the court will issue some form of order on him.

No it wasn't a joint choice at all. It's only be a few months really since they started there. She said she couldn't afford to pay anything for the eldest to go so was up to DP if he wantedti send him or not, but DP thought it was important the eldest do some full days to prepare him for school. She didn't choose it, he did. He also paid for all the costs at the start before she finally agreed to paying about 1/3 of the cost. The youngest needed to go the same days and times for practical and logistical childcare reasons. He doesn't now as of September and DP has realized he made a mistake and the nursery has lots of problems, no feedback on the kids, dis organised, staff have been rude etc. But his EX has realized she wants him there 3 full days I'm addition to all the hours he will at at the childminders.

Yes NADM he has decided against a second nursery from advice taken, and as he doesn't really want the youngest going to that one at all anymore. Plus now she's notified him she has found a Childminder it seems they would have at least 3 childcare settings. So he thinks two childminders is better than 2 childminders and one or two nurserys. Hope that make sense. However, she is trying to take that decision away from him and force him to continue to use (and pay) for the nursery! Paying a lot of money for DSS (who is still not much more than a baby) to be sat in a nursery all day even when DP is off and could be looking after him himself! she works shifts too some some days on "her" weeks she too will be off and littlest DSS will be at nursery all day, mainly paid for by my DP. Doesn't make sense to either of us!

I don't see what all the fuss is about then? Just forget about it and let the woman make a fool of herself in court!

A court isn't going to issue an order insisting that your DP places the DCs in childcare when he can care for them himself; unless there are circumstances such as special needs which you haven't mentioned? Im surprised its got to CAFCASS actually - what have CAFCASS been directed to do? (I've asked that before, but I know you won't answer it!)

Your DPs ex will not have been legally advised they she can succeed based on what you have posted - has your DP told her that he won't be using a different nursery now?

If your DP isn't going to use a different nursery, then a court order preventing him from doing so doesn't make any difference, will it?

As an aside; are there any other court cases on the go? Each time you post you mention another one

There's not that much going on really, it just seems a lot when all written down. The problem is I'm not totally clued up with all the correct legal terms for the various court related things. I think she's got a PSO to stop him removing the youngest from the 3 full days childcare. She's lied on the court order statement and DP has proof of this, she has said the children live with her 50/0 since they split, which is untrue and CSA can prove she only had them one night a week for a period of time. He is hoping that he can dispute the order and get it cancelled ( I know that's not the correct term) due to the lies and also te fact that she has already gone and got a Childminder and DP has had concerns about the nursery already and just wants to use a childminderfor flexibility so to maximise the amount of time he has with the children. I think she has got the order by referring to the "nursery school" as A SCHOOL not a nursery and therefore it's being classed as education (he's a baby fgs) rather than childcare, hence the PSO. she has also mentioned residency and wanting a formal residency order in place in the court order statement. Although, from advice on here I would have though her solicitor would have told her she is unlikely to get one just to have the current arrangement on paper as both parent agree and haven't tried or planned to make any changes to it as yet. It's a bit odd really. When I say CAFCASS are involved they have sent DP a letter stating they will shortly be calling to arrange a visit. The other potential court issue thing is about their jointly owned property which she doesn't want to live in and doesn't pay a penny for but which she doesn't want him to sell. But that's not really about te kids and we still don't know what will come of all that. Now with the issue of her refusing DP to be "allowed" to take

Oops, posted too soon.... The children on holiday abroad DP anticipates perhaps another PSO next week possibly. :(

Why shouldn't the children go on holiday abroad with their OWN MOTHER while in her care?? When these little dcs are at their dads they don't speak to their OWN MOTHER for a whole week. I don't see why it fusses you that she has taken her children on holiday.

You disgusted me on your step parent thread TBH and I'm shocked you've started another after having almost unanimous feedback that you were going about everything all wrong.

I'm intrigued as to what all these vague court/legal issues are about that you won't fully explain. I wish the children's mother could see your posts.

Just because she only had them for one night does not mean the daytime care wasn't more equally split - you say she often "had them" (strange choice of words) during the day when that arrangement was in place. For the first 6 months after I split with my ex we shared daytime care 50/50 but it was all at my home and I had all the overnights because he didn't have anywhere suitable to take them :)

Your opinion about whether he is "just a baby" (I thought he was 3?) or whether he should be at nursery is irrelevant. Over 3 it is early years education, hence the free 15 hours per week, which in day care nurseries can be used for full days which better suits parents' work commitments. You seem completely oblivious to the fact that she is trying to work and pay childcare costs with no tax credit support because your DP claims the CB - as a PP said I think it would be much fairer for them to claim for one child each and then each can claim tax credits. I would suggest she claims for the younger and then she can claim the necessary childcare element if her income allows. The arrangement purple mentioned seems much better too if your DP is intent on it remaining 50/50, so they each had set weekdays and then alternate weekends. This would mean they can each make their own arrangements on the same day each week.

I see you haven't mentioned on this thread that you are planning on living miles away from the dcs mother, and their nursery, so your dd is still in the same area, and that you thought it would be a good idea for these young dcs, as well as being with 1 parent for 7 days at a time, to also be in 2 different childcare settings every other week. The mind boggles at your logic!

Would you want all this for your own child???

Boredandrestless. Actually I agree. It's actually her that's refuses to allow the DSS's out of the country on holiday with DP, in "his" time so it wouldn't impact on her time with them at all. My thread on passports is in lone parents forum.

They will have two childcare settings at least as DP's ex will not give him any info about the Childminder she has chosen to use on "her" weeks. Please read the full thread as you have misundersood.

We don't have much choice financially other than o not live right by the school and cutter nursery. However we are now discussing options. But there aren't any that mean Indont have to increase
my working hours and live in a smaller house and struggle more financially just to be bear their school. My dd will have to change school too but it's a consideration we are discussing.

Optimistist- DP has the child benefit as he was paying for all their food etc when they first split. They were living with him. He also still pays for things like haircuts, new shoes etc. He has also been paying a massive chunk of te childcare fees which is new than the totsl
child benefit anyway.

The point is pirate that if they were each responsible for childcare on set days of the week, and then were each able to claim the appropriate benefits to assist with childcare costs, then you wouldn't have this issue of him paying childcare costs for times when he doesn't need it. If she is always responsible for them on a Mon/Tues, and he on a Wed/Thu with an alternate Fri/Sat/Sun (as suggested by purple), then they can each make their own work and childcare arrangements for those days, and pay for them independently of each other.

I agree that to keep up this 50/50 arrangement, in any form, then he needs to move closer to them. Whether or not you choose to go with him is up to you but frankly I think you'd be mad to uproot your DD based on the whims of this man who you've only been in a relationship with for a year.

Let's be realistic - if there are PSO being applied for on a weekly basis and ongoing legal action over the house, there isn't a shortage of money in this situation.
Plead poverty if you want to, but I can't even afford the fee to submit an application to family court, let alone the ongoing solicitors and barristers fees.

How the other half live, eh?!?

I'll ask again, what are the DC's parents planning on doing when it comes to school? Two separate schools a week at a time, or picking one school and the furthest away parent having to suck up the fact that they've a bit more travelling to do?

I've seen your passports thread piratemum.

I find it interesting he wants to uproot his dcs and move further away from their chosen school, community, and mother, on the basis he can't afford to keep living in that area, but can afford a holiday for 5 to Disneyland.

In her shoes I would refuse too. You don't even live together do you? Or you have only just moved in. Taking her dcs on a holiday to Disneyland with you and your dd is way OTT.

Can I also point out you had no place going to a school meeting for one of his dcs with your dd in tow. You and your dd had no place being there. If you were interested in the school you call in on your own time with her. You don't rock up to your partner's child's school appointment - that appointment is for parents only.

From this thread and your other threads I honestly can't decide if you actually are missing the empathy emotion, or if you know full well you are in the wrong but are getting something out of being this way!

So the ex is using all this childcare to maximise the time she can claim to spend with the children and justify maintaining the 50/50 split, but the poor kids are forced to go into childcare- then you appear on the scene and enable your OH to use less childcare but claim that the children spend more 'actual' time in their home being nurtured in a most 'motherly' way, thus apparently strengthening his 'claim' for the children/CB/ complete control over all decisions for their kids? I'm beginning to see exactly what your OH sees in you OP. As I've said elsewhere, you must have mug stamped across your forehead. I guess it's just a bonus to him that you are so enthusiastic about becoming an unpaid live in nanny with benefits. Total win-win for him.