Is this legal?

[unexpectedcircumstance]

I never actually thought I would end up doing this but here goes.

A DF of mine has had a miscarriage recently at 9 weeks. The hospital told her that she could have the baby cremated there but that it would be done with a batch of other babies so she and her DP would not have any ashes or anything.

She's opted to arrange for something private but is unable to afford a burial or a cremation and asked me if I knew whether or not its legal for her to burn the remains herself so that she can scatter the ashes. I didn't answer her at the time but shes in bits and pieces and doesn't seem to know what to do. As her friend, I don't particularly want to see her arrested either.

Anyone have any ideas on this?

Do they really feel able to burn it themselves?

Yes. As far as I remember when I asked her if this is what she really wanted to do she said that she was unable to hold or bring her baby into the world so the least she can do is turn it to ashes and "take it somewhere beautiful." The pair of them are determined to do it themselves if its legal and possible.

Incinerators will not get to above 200 degrees - wood burners do if you load them right. It's to do with airflow. Domestic garden incinerators are designed to burn at relatively low temperatures to get rid of green wood etc which would not fair well very hot (will fly about etc).

I shall mention this to her. Thank you everyone for your advice so far

A miscarriage at 9 weeks? I'm amazed she was even in hospital, let alone they gave her anything to go home with. When I started bleeding at 12 weeks the GP told me yes, I probably was having a miscarriage, and to go home and see what happened. He told me the "product" would be unnoticeable and indeed he was right.

I certainly didn't have anything to burn or bury, I didn't even see it in the loo.

I cried for days, I couldn't even telephone work - had to get my husband to do it (first time I'd ever had someone ring work for me). It really shocked me, the way it affected me. I would never have understood before that just how devastating such an early miscarriage can be.

Your poor friend is awash with hormones and grief. You might encourage her to contact this organisation for advice:
www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/support/how-we-can-help/

I can now look back and know that if I hadn't miscarried, I would never have met my beautiful DD who arrived three years later. It's still a loss though, and makes me sad even now, 13 years later.

People deal with miscarriage in different ways and although I'm sad to hear of your loss, My friend knows what she wants to do and will do this her own way.

I wasn't suggesting your friend shouldn't do what she plans. She may get some comfort from it, but if her grief continues and develops into depression, don't forget the MA - they do understand (unlike some medical professionals). However, hopefully your friend has an approachable GP.

Untreated depression following miscarriage is common. It can be very serious, and is linked to future post-natal depression even after a healthy birth:

www.bristol.ac.uk/neuroscience/bn-news/2011/110303depression-miscarriage.html

How about burying the remains in a plant pot with a nice plant which can then be moved with them. Then there is no worry about ashes.

This is what my SIL did with the ashes of her DS2.

So sorry for your freinds loss.

How about burying the remains in a plant pot with a nice plant which can then be moved with them.

That's a lovely idea, we scattered most of my mum's ashes in a favourite place but I kept some back and intend to do just that when I can bear it.

The hospital will ask what she intended to do with the remains. I had a MMC at 9 weeks and the hospital were fine with me taking the remains home and having a private cremation in the garden. It was very moving and therapeutic, allowing some closure and to feel that the little life that didn't make it was acknowledged in some way. It is perfectly legal to do this. I'm sure Birmingham Women's Hospital wouldn't have allowed me to do anything against the law. They were very good and arranged a box for the remains.

Should have added, it was just a standard small garden fire, no incinerator or anything fancy. We dug out the ashes and put them under a rose tree.

You can't cremate a 9 week foetus Gosh it sounds a bit macabre to me, but each to their own.

I want to thank everyone for all your advice once again, I will be sure to watch her like a hawk as she has suffered depression in the past. Me and her DH have agreed on a plan of action if she shows any signs of depression.

I shall be leaving this thread now as the cremation is today but I hope it will help others who find themselves in this situation.

Thank you all once again.