Ex is applying for PR & Residency Order...

[Merrythulu]

Ok, I'll try to be as brief as possible -
Relationship ended in 2005, when DC's were 6 and 2.5. From the moment of moving out he didn't pay a penny for the DC's or the house. In fact, I lent him the first months rent & deposit for his flat, which has still not been repaid. In short, DH (with whom I have 2 dc's) and I need to move - for several valid reasons. I have ME, the 3 bed maisonette is not suitable for 6 of us, & DH has a 5 hr commute. After exploring the local area, & the counties either side, we looked at DH's home town, and it ticks ALL the boxes, save proximity to XP & my parents. So in September, a month before we put the flat on the market, we wrote to XP to tell him the situation and suggest ways in which his contact could change (without technically being reduced). Currently he has them Weds & Thurs nights 3.20-8 and every other weekend. Keeping up this level of contact with a 120 mile move would be hard, but do-able. We suggested keeping the alternate weekends, but moving the midweek dinners to become extra holidays on top of his half.

Without sitting down sensibly to talk about it, he (as we expected because he's a twat) has gone to a solicitor and has threatened to go for PR and a Residency Order to swap the arrangements around because I have ME, and because he says moving will unsettle the children and disrupt their relationships with him and his family. He says that the children are showing signs of strain from having extra responsibilties (we think they have a normal amount of age-appropriate chores, and employ someone for six hours a week so they don't have to do anything above that) & we think he's worried that he's not going to see the children, which obviously isn't true.
DH and I think that there's not much chance of him succeeding, as a) we're not denying him contact, or even reducing it, just changing it. b) he lives with his parents, has to walk for 3 minutes to get to his work & has never bothered to learn to drive. c) He's done less school runs that I can count on one hand, only started paying maintenance last year when we went to the CSA, and has never contributed to child care costs & insisted that we do his school runs for five years, threw a hissy fit when we said that would have to change, has done very little homework with them, even when they were seeing him 50/50 in the early years e) has a long standing record of being a daily heavy cannabis smoker, alcohol abuse & self harming after the split, which happened because he was shagging someone from work and because he was a twat who wouldn't grow up and oh, he also owes us about £50,000 in unpaid maintenance, petrol costs, childcare costs, and mortgage extension loans etc.
But I'm still shitting myself that he could take DD and DS1 away from us.
Any ideas.

That's precisely what we can't afford - and to be honest, why should DH have to do this and sacrifice having to see his children five days a week, when my ex isn't willing to make the same journey himself once a month? Bearing in mind DH is also paying off the debts that XP left me with, I can't see how that is in any way fair on him and the other 2 DC's?
And realistically, we need to move anyway - a huge part of my inability to get out and about is because we live on the 3rd and 4th floors - we need an extra bedroom, and ideally a dining room (or a kitchen big enough to have a table for 6 in it), a bit of garden and a garage - if we rent in this area, we'd have to pay upwards of £1250 a month. To get a similar kind of house in the area we're talking about would be about £950 tops.

Believe me, I've gone through the maths - either we stay in the local area (Sussex) in unsuitable accommodation, in bad catchment areas so that DD and DS can continue seeing their dad for 2 dinners a week, and DH has a commute of 5 and half to 6 and a half hours a day; or we move to a house the size we need, that's affordable, in a catchment area for 3 outstanding secondary schools, making DH's commute 2 to 3 hours a day.

His argument is that regardless of whether we move or not he should become their primary carer because I have M.E. and this has made me incapable of looking after the children, we say that's not a good enough reason, the children don't do any more than any of their peers and in fact, do less (and we have checked this with their friends's parents,) that as he is living with parents and working full time, he would have to rely on his elderly parents to support his parenting and housekeeping, that perhaps it is not suitable as he has an alcohol and daily heavy cannabis habit, has a self harming problem and while we have always told him of our health issues, he has not been forthcoming about the schizophrenia he told me about prior to leaving in 2004, nor of the alleged cancer that he told his sister and brother-in-law about in 2004, of which I was unaware that either had ever been diagnosed or treated for. At the least he has some serious mental issues which need addressing, at the worst some horrifically serious medical problems, all of which would be relevant in applying to become the main resident parent.

My friend who'd been through this mill herself, said that she deliberately answered each solicitor's letter as minimally as possible, so that it cost her XP more money. I don't want to do that, because I really couldn't give a toss about hurting XP - this is not about revenge, making him pay, or done in order to take the kids away from him. We just realise that we need and that all of us, bar him, perhaps, would be better off moving. If he was a responsible adult, who had his own flat, paid for his own bills, who'd always been happy to pick up his kids from school on his days, pay for his share of the child care costs, done the washing, ironing, cooking, homework, reading, instrument practices, etc etc that any responsible parent should do, then it would be completely different, and we would at least consider the kids staying with him in term time, but because he's not a responsible adult, I refuse to accept that the kids would be better off with him in the term. Christ, we'd LOVE to have all the holidays with them, have all the fun time and not have to do the day-to-day parenting, but we do it (not only because it's necessary) but because he can't/won't/hasn't. Does this make it all a bit clearer?

Sorry you're going through this. But remember your Ex loves his children just as much as you.

Be wary of using your DCs by manipulating how they feel about things into the way you want them to feel.

You say they were excited about moving to a new school. Most kids aren't. They want stability, familiarity and to know they won't lose contact with their dad. Your DD has now said she doesn't want to choose

Yes, it does make me sad that she says she doesn't want to choose too, because (having been there myself,) no child wants to choose between their parents no matter what their parents are like - my mum was an alcoholic living in a bedsit when I had to make the choice, and I told the court I wanted to live with her because in my mind, my dad had my mum to look after him, but my mum didn't have anyone to look after and love her. To be more specific, DD's said that she does and she doesn't want to move - that she sees all the benefits of moving, but would obviously miss seeing her dad during the week. I've said to her that while she's unsure, and doesn't want to choose, that I will argue that they should stay with us and we should be allowed to move, but that if she at any point, decides she wants to stay, then I shall talk to DH and we'll have a think about whether to proceed. She knows there's no pressure either way, and that DH and I think the adults should decide between themselves, without her (or DS) being made to make a very adult decision, and one they don't want to make.
We try to not discuss the Residency issue with the kids as much as possible, but have said we'll have to have a meeting with their dad and someone else to try and sort it out, and that we're here if they have any questions about anything, or if they just want to talk. We're careful to not slag their dad off in front of them, but we wanted to see what their immediate reaction was - although DD was very excited, she was realistic enough to see that she would not be seeing her friends and dad as much, and not going to the same school, which she's quite happy at. We were fully expecting them both to say they were fully against it, and if their immediate reaction had been that, we would have thought again before putting the house on the market and writing to the ex. But she was quite thrilled at the prospect of going to such a good school, and DS said he was absolutely fine with it, which was why we went for it. I think what we'll do is send this letter to his solicitor in full and see what happens. I expect we'll go to mediation, but knowing a friend who's represented themselves in court over a family matter has given me a lot of courage again.

To follow Snorbs' advice.

Also might even be worth emergency use of credit cards or even remortgage to pay for some decent legal advice.

The way you present things will make a difference too. So mentioning his past faiulres on money doesn't help and is irrelevant. A lawyer would help you mention only what is relevant.

Also put yourself in his shoes. Say they lived with him and you saw them 2 days a week and every other weekend etc and they lived near and he suddenly decided to make the 120 mile move, take them out of school, away from you and your family. You wouldn't like it, would you? So why should be tolerate it?

Also if you have ME and he gets this done well with good lawyers and can show the children will be rent asunder from their livse and schools with the oldest being 11 etc and presumably it has an impact on secondary schools already chosen and where the child's friends will go, there might be a chance you aren't allowed to move.

The views of the oldest child may count and the issue of splitting them from the younger half siblings will be relevant too. If you are well advised it's unlikely this move will be stopped but not impossible.

I think you're right that it may end up with a meeting with him and his solicitors to try to negotiate a compromise. Also your prognosis will matter. If you may well be so ill you won't be able to manage not only those children but the two younger ones is it going to be practicable that they continue to live mostly with you?

2-3 hours a day commute still sounds like a huge commute. is that train or car?

would you be getting more day to day help from the in laws by moving?

whatever your ex-s health issues (or not) - as un les syou have it documented then difficult to prove... he has them currently twice a week and alternate weekends so there clearly - on paper anyway or as it looks - is no ongoing major issue with regard to him having some form of shared parenting? so on paper there are no such issues. so you would need to put froward other issues as making it in best interests for Dc to move with you? or explain how this level of contact is ok but not day to day?

a judge might say on paper that dc staying with dad and visiting with you is no different to what you proposing for dad in terms of contact -further it allows them to stay near what they used to .

so you will need some other arguments as to why they should move with you. they would still see you after all. maybe that being "left behind" woulod impact them more than moving with you ?