Ex not kept to contact agreement- now what?

[Achange]

My dd dad didn't see for her ages, no contact at all, no money etc. Two years went by.

Then about a year ago, we got contacted out of the blue by a solicitor from him demanding contact.

He wanted every 2 weeks which both solicitors agreed was unrelaistic so it was agreed once a month.

He should have visited about 13 times now but only visited 3- the last time was in January. Now suddenly, nearly 8 months later he demands to see dd.

So technically the contact he fought for and was agreed to he didnt stick to at all (not turning up 10 times).

I think this disruption to dd is very unfair.

Where do we stand now? Do we have to meet his demands to see her in 2 weeks? What if we refused?

I am in half a mind just to let him see her in 2 weeks (with dad supervising).

I wonder if he just get thrills out of a fight as he very much enjoys threatening us so he is hoping for a big kick off.

Although I hate the thought of it, long term it might be best to do everything peacefully.

So as they say; give them enough rope....

But the other half thinks its just not fair on dd...

Blackmail is a criminal offence, which I'm pretty sure means that he cannot "take it to Court." He can report to the police. Who can choose to investigate it, and if they find evidence, take it to Court. As it didn't actually happen, I wouldn't worry too much about it. He is just being a bullying prick. The police will not take this at all seriously, asking whether you are going to pay arrears is not blackmail.

Thank you Grandhigh

swallowedfly I think your right. I think we are letting him just bully us.

I suppose the bottom line is I want to avoid court, especially now as I have dd2 on the way (with my DH) so really cant face it in best of times especially with newborn.

I have never been so scared to be in the same room as one person. I just cant bear it.

I guess from everything solictors have told me the bottom line is unless he does something horrific to dd with 100% evidence he will always get contact.

So I think why bother going through all the stress, time and massive cost and worse get a legal court order just to end up with same, if not worse result than we have now.

Seems he will always get what he wants no matter what.

It was a mix of not turning up in court and really bad psychiatric report. He had also committed some offences.

Yes rare. Judge said he had never done one before and deliberated for ages. My very nice cafcass officer reminded him how many times he had failed to show up, failed to call kids when due etc etc and he stamped it. Got a section 91(14) so he can't re apply without leave of court for 6 years.

"he is hoping for a big kick off."

exactly.
so dont kick off to him
tell your dad to remain calm at all times.
dont discuss anythig with him other than
"so what time will you be ehre to see DD?"

to dd - well a couple hours every now and again with her won dad (supervised by yours) wont harm her.
trick is to not rise to his bait.
so he wants to go to court?
let him - all you need do is turn up there and explain the pattern of visits and how he has barely turned up. that if he preapred toc ommit then yyes you will take dd to contact centre every two weeks . end of.

you and your dad and your H just need to let his rants wash over you and focus on you - just tell DD yes she hasa daddy who made her and she will see him from time tot ime but he is not very good at being around. but she has your H for that. so she is very lucky to have a (step) dad at home as well as another dad who sometimes thinks of her and sometimes sees her. and that is all ok.

just make it ok and normal for herthat she also has a bio dad who will pop up from time to time. dont make big deal of it. your day to day si what counts.

dont respond to his rants etc.

If this man is so violent that you need to keep him from knowing where you live then I suggest you have a chat with Women's Aid and a lawyer they recommend about getting a legal structure in place to protect you from this man ie injunctions against him coming near you or contacting you. Then you can set up contact in a contact centre and if he behaves badly at the contact centre or doesn't show up, you can get it stopped.
It's OK to refuse mediation with a violent XP on the grounds that attending could put you at risk.

When I went for mediation I was told it's not even attempted if there has been any violence.

Thanks everyone.

I will mull over all the advice and take it from there.

Sigh.

Hi, is Tiffany still around?
I don't want to piggyback on this thread, but you mentioned mediation and if there has been domestic abuse/violence.
I post on the EA thread, but sounds like you have the experience, I'm looking for.
And Achange,
my ex has dicked around re contact/no contact. Although he was around for DCs has been totally inconsistent, but now has gone to solicitor. Same stuff with him getting legal aid and me not. I am bloody furious too.
How's your mulling going?

www.biscmi.org/documents/MEDIATION_AND_DOMESTIC_VIOLENCE.html is useful but there is other research about mediation and DV.

it is generally accepted mediation isnt appropriate when there has been dv.

but - it is going to depend on what evidence of dv there is -eg hospitalsied and recorded police cautions etcetc is very clear.

versus you reporting it (his word agaisnt yours) and the manipulation type abuse.

you might be pushed into a session - but hopefully if that is the case the mediator will soon see how the situaiton is.

i attended a sort of mediation sessionw ith ex (with a trained counsellro tho not an offiical mediator) however she then agreed with me after two sessions it was going no where because he was not "mediating" ie coming to some compromise between diff view points he jsut wanted to put across his poitn and his point only.

i also ahd his and my gp (same practice) trying to push me into parenitngtogether apart courses - but after explaining patiently calmly andin a bullet point ed letter - yet again the background and all the reasons why it wouldn t work - GP finally agreed with my view ....

so be prepared to be listing all the reaosns incidents recorded etc as to why mediation wont be appropriate in your case.

if clealry obvious dv you wont have a problem - if it is more emotional verbal controlling manipulative abuse and your word against his type thing then it might be more difficult and you might find you end up attending a mediaiton -but make sure it is a good well trained expereinced mediator who WILL be able to put ex in his place and spot the manipulative tactics...