ashamed of my feelings

[tootsweets]

I had my 4th dd 9 weeks ago and although I love her to bits I am so disappointed she wasn't the son I have longed for. I was so sure I only wanted 4 children but now I cannot bear to get rid of any baby stuff as in my confused state I want to try again. To make matters worse my younger sister had a baby boy 2 weeks ago and although I am happy for her I am finding it so difficult.
I am the eldest of 5 girls and my mum says she felt the same but it doesnt help me with my feelings. We live in a 3 bedroomed house and can't really afford another baby and my dh cannot cope with the kids we have got. Any advice anyone?

hi all, my dd is 5 and then i have 3 ds's, the youngest being 3mths, i am gettin really fed up with comments like "i bet your really glad you have your daughter", oh! the boys your only rearing them for someone else, and your boys will all go off and leave you, you'll always have your daughter!! I'd like to think i'll always have all my kids, yes i feel greatful i have my daughter but also very greatful i have my boys. What are people's experiences of this? I'd like to think my boys will be as close to me as my daughter.

Hi there,

I only have daughters and when my 4th dd was born certain people 'consoled' me with the fact that mothers are always closer to daughters. I don't think this is the case at all.

It depends on the relationship you have and the personality. I am one of 5 girls and only 3 of us regularly see or speak to our mum. The other 2 do so as and when. I am sure there are lots of mothers of sons who have a close relationship with them just as they would with a daughter.

toots - I would love to have a dd but at the moment not another baby if that makes sense so trying for dc4 would be wrong unless I can truthfully deep down say I want another dc not only a dd, we only planned for 3 and dh has said no way to no4. he knows how much I want a dd and is supportive but is also very right in saying we could have ds4 plus we have a 3 bed house a limited time and resources so thats why 3 was the 'magic' number for us

holly - I find that I get kind of pitying 'oh what a shame' comments about 3 ds's, the same kind of comments as you about them leaving and not being as close to their mums and that I'll only be the MIL I also get a lot of 'you've got your hands full' but have decided to take this to mean I have three v young children as aposed to 3 boys although I could be wrong My eldest is a handful at the moment and I do get a lot of comments about it being because he's a boy, sometimes I only wish for a dd so I could say categorically they are wrong he's just a 3 yr old testing the boundaries and adjusting to having a new baby around

Yes I have two dds and would like another 2. For some reason I'm totally petrified of having boys!My HV said the same thing about the percentages of the same parents having the same sex child as the previous one increases each time. But always a chance that you'll get a ds if you try again Congrats btw.

my sister had her son 3 weeks ago and she is petrified.She really wanted a sister for her 3 year old dd. For now he is just her baby but she is anxious about what it will be like from toddler onwards.I am sure she will be fine.

Hi i had a son after three daughters didnt try anything different just happened .

We have both sexes and tbh I have thought it might have been easier to have all the same.

One thing - if you don't have more, don't ever tell your girls you wanted a boy. It really hurts knowing you weren't the right sex.

Not had time to read many other posts. My mum had 3 girls then a boy. I think personality is more important than gender. I thought I was a boy when I was little and behaved like a boy is 'supposed' to behave. I was sad when my brother replaced me doing all the stereotypical boys things and I was not as close to my dad anymore. My brother was sad that he had no brothers to play with and couldn't really do things with me because I am the eldest and he's the youngest. I just think all those things are naturally part of being a large family. You have to tolerate each other as much as you love each other.

Whilst I can see why you'd like to have a boy, and there's nothing wrong with that, I'm not sure I really understand what you think you would gain from having a boy, it's probably better for all of you if you consider what having another girl would be like as the sex of a baby is really just random. Thinking about wanting a boy so much is probably just part of the baby blues at this stage I think.

Tootsweets, if I'm honest I feel exactly the same as you. I am pregnant with my 4th child and I hate to admit it but I think that it's another boy. In my heart of hearts I really wished that this my unplanned surprise would have been my longed for girl. I should have said I have 3 boys. I feel guilty for being sooooooo shallow and I know that when the little one gets here, like you, I'll be fine. But I just can't shake my disappointment. I feel almost angry about the situation!!!!!

I have 1 weeks to come to terms with my feelings. No advice just complete empathy. In a way I think that it's best to mourn the lost (i.e the loss of a mother daughter relationship) and then get on with enjoying what you (we) have. Beautifully healthy children with fantastic parents(lol)!!!!!

Thanks for your messages. The feelings are getting easier and I am enjoying being with all my dds. I think it is made more difficult as all my friends with 4 dcs have both boys and girls and I feel a bit left out! Good luck Zola with number 4 (smile)

Hi tootsweets,
Hope all is well with your 4 dds. Just found out I'm having another dd (due Jan) after twin dds (6) and another dd (2). Not accepting it at all. Happy that new dd is ok but always had dreams of a really dynamic mixed family with a big strapping ds. Comes after all a long line of failed dreams these last few months and has left me absolutely devastated in not being able to have such a dearly-held dream - at least one dream in life fulfilled, I suppose. DH absolutely refuses to have another and it would only be a girl anyway so dare not risk it. I feel REALLY shit for this. I've completely failed in being a mother - or a decent person. I know I should be grateful for what I have but the thought of 4 girls terrifies me - my mum had 2 girls and always wanted boys and my sister and me hated eachother. How did you come to terms with how you felt? Is it any easier now? Would love to hear from you.

Hi pinkx,

Know exactly how you feel. I didn't find out the sex of dd4 until she was born on purpose I think, so I could live the dream of finally having my "son". I still haven't accepted the fact that I will never have him and it feels like grief as in my heart as I have named him and it feels so stupid. The hardest thing is feeling so alone as other people think you should just be thankful to have 4 heathly children which of course I am. My dh doesn't want any more dcs, we only have 4 as I wanted to keep trying. It has got easier.It was initially made harder by my sister giving birth to her son within weeks of my dd4 being born, but DD4 is 4 months now and gorgeous. Sorry if this isn't very helpful to you, time does help but I think the feelings will always be there. Keep in touch it is sooo nice to have someone who completely understands how it feels. Just try not to let it stop you enjoying your children and looking forward to having your new baby.

Hi tootsweets

Congratulations on your new baby but I know how you feel I have just found out I am having ds4 and while thrilled I am having a healthy baby I feel devestated that I will never have a daughter. I hope this will fade in time but I am struggling to accept life with 4 boys it terifies me if I am honest. I don't really have any advice but I hope you feel better about it soon. Its nice to know I am not the only person who feels like this

Hi tootsweets,
Thank you so much for you lovely message. Such words really do comfort me and I'm so glad that you're working through it too. It's not stupid though; it's very real and very heartbreaking. I've been quite shocked at how strong my reaction has been. Of course, like you, I'm just grateful that we've got a healthy girl. I think part of it is that you have to accept that a long-held dream will never come true. And that is REALLY hard.

However, I have been given a little ray of hope: my dh says he didn't realise JUST how important it was to me not only to have a boy but also to have a bigger family, so he's agreed to stay open-minded as to whether we can manage another (we'll store it under the bed or something!). I've also had such negative reactions from other people ('What a pity! It's such a shame that IT'S a girl. Your husband must be devastated!') that I've started forming quite a bond with squidgy little unborn dd. I can't stand the thought that she will pick up on any of the negatives and so, quite subconsciously, I seem to have made this really quite fierce protective commitment never to let her feel that she was, in some way, not wanted simply because she was a girl. It's really helped and starting to choose a name has given her more of an identity.

Of course, the chances are that we will get another girl but I'm trying to look at the fact that I just want loads of kids around and so it doesn't really matter what sex they are. In the long-term, I'll get lots of sons-in-law, I suppose! Not quite the same, I know.

The other thing that's worked really well for me is reading the pages here: so many people in the 'larger families' section seem to get constant negatives from other people (not those on the website) - not only about having all of one sex or the other but also about having lots of kids in general. Complete strangers who come up to mums in the street and make rude comments! What's with people? Now, I'm starting to get 'But you don't want any more, do you?' and 'You're not going to try for a boy, are you?' What has it got to do with anyone else? It really winds me up.

I have to dash for tonight but thank you again for your kindness and keep in touch!x

PS: good to hear from you iwantapinkprincess! It's comforting to know it goes the other way too.

I know what you mean by peoples negative comments.

The amount of times people say I dont envy you with 3 boys.

Cheeky *

I wpuld like DC4 but everyone assumes it's for a daughter and it would be lovely to have a girl but at the minute practicality wise a boy would be better but I will take what I'm blessed with.

Yesterday, I got 'Oh god - your life is going to be HELL with 4 girls!' I knew this woman had two daughters and almost said 'Oh, are your two girls little devils then?' But, stupidly, I stopped myself from being rude. Why? I MUST stop being so bloody nice!

Why does a big number of one sex or the other suggest a life of hell? Surely you can have a singleton who is a little monster? Or, as I can vouch for, my mother's life was VERY difficult with just my sister and me. Yet again, it's not how many you have, it's how you RAISE them!

I would not think about going for another baby 9 weeks post partum. I was incredibly broody for the first 6 months of my 2nd child's life. She is nearly a year old now and I would freak out if I got pregnant. The hormones have gone. Reality has kicked in. I don't want any more children.

Give yourself time to bond with your DD and get to grips with having four children (that's 4 boisterous, noisy children, not 3 and a cute lickly baby! )....then review the situation.

Hi all,

Yes I think you do have to get used to negative comments when you are out with more than 2 children. Especially if they are all the same sex. I have been asked many times if I am a childminder when out with my 4dds.

Pink Princess, It is somehow reassuring to know that there are mums out there who have boys and want a girl. It does work both ways and the feelings are just as real and just as painful. Congrats on your dc4 though.

Pinkx, My dh has also said (somewhat reluctantly) that we can have more children. I would love 6 ideally but we are stretched financially with the 4 we have. Do you think you would consider natural gender selection for any future children?

Reading this thread with interest, have 3DDs pregnant with no4 who I already feel is another girl, am bracing myself for all the "comments" already.

I will admit on here that we did do a bit of Shettles this time with regrads sex as close to ovulation as possible, position but that was about it. I feel my DP would like a son more than me. I am so torn, half of me thinks another girl would be neater somehow, know girls, have the clothes and toys already and would feel sorry for a boy growing up with 3 madams for sisters he wouldn't stand a chance. Other half of me wonders what it would be like to parent a boy and buy blue for a change. Yes part for me is scared about having a boy, they are alien lol.

I think it's only natural to want one sex or the other but we are made to feel ashamed about it, I know for sure that if I had 3 boys I would be desperate for a girl, I always wanted a little girl.

I also know that now DD3 is here everyone adores her and there is no way I could imagine her being a boy now and you are right you do bond with them that little bit more to protect them from the comments.

I cannot stand the one boy one girl thats your lot family ideal a lot of people have.

Hi tootsweets,

I'd like 6 too! We're not too bad for space (4 beds) but I'm worried about paying for extras like singing/dancing/riding/swimming/whatever. At some point, I suppose I'll have to go back to work (I was a teacher) but I had to give up because my wages didn't even cover childcare for the twins when they were born (2003) so goodness knows how I'll cover even more. However, that's a long way off (what? 6 or more years? when the youngest goes to school?) and a lot can happen between now and then. It's tight, I can't deny, but you just manage, don't you? For example, we don't go on holiday abroad but we have loads of fun here. There's always something to do. And they don't NEED expensive clothes. Ok, so school shoes cost a bomb but hey, that's life!

I did wonder about gender selection but I'm not convinced anything really works. In fact, I'm starting to wonder if there's some sort of higher reason as to why some of us get the family we do. (I'm not at all religious, but it makes you wonder how much control you have over your own destiny?) So far, having this little one has taught me so much about me and how I feel about my family. I certainly didn't realise - or hadn't acknowledged my need for SUCH a big family! I'd also not really thought about the interelationships within the family enough. In fact, looking at my girls, I can now see that if I'd had 3 girls, then a boy, the twins and my younger one (who are all VERY close) would have formed this really string tripartite clique which could have excluded a boy completely. This way, it's possible that there's a 'grouping' of the twins, then dd3 and dd4. Then, if a boy does come along as either dc5 or dc6, there's another natural grouping of some sort. Am I making any sense? (This pregnancy lark reduces your brain capacity for reasoning!!!)

Also, this little one has made me realise that I want a big family and who's in it doesn't really matter. Equally, I can't have another on the basis of wanting a boy. It's been a really 'heavy' couple of weeks!

I'm beginning to think that what's laid out is laid out - to some extent. I might try some really basic methods, but I have severe polycystic ovaries so anything based on ovulation would be a joke! It would have to be oily fish diet or something. Like a said, I'm going to get another girl!

How about you - would you try anything?

Persephoponce: I agree but I usually breastfeed for a year and it's worked fabulously on the contraceptive side so far so no chance of a baby quite so soon! (Though I'm getting on a bit now...!)

I too had to give up work as a teacher due to childcare costs and also my dh is away a lot during the week for work and it was all too much. My eldest two do 3 clubs each at the moment and that will have to change soon.
Since having dc4 I have realised just how important having a big family is to me too. I love watching them interact with each other and supporting each other. There is a bit of an older two younger two divide but they also mix altogether well. I think it helps that I have 4 sisters and no brothers so I understand their relationships with each other. It is all so familiar!!
Have tried gender methods with the last 2 dcs but doesn't seem to work for us, but like you say maybe we have girls for a reason. I certainly wouldn't change them for anything and if we do have dc5 in the future his/her gender does't feel such a big deal anymore.