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Original poster

Anyone with a third child with additional needs?

47 replies

bendmeoverbackwards · 19/12/2021 10:56

I have 3 girls aged 20, 18 and 14. Youngest was diagnosed with autism 3.5 years ago snd life is tough at the moment. She’s high functioning, attends a mainstream school, is bright and has friends. But her anxiety and needs dominate sometimes.

She was s gorgeous baby/toddler/small child and felt like a treat after having two close together. Had so much fun with her when the older two were at school. She was so funny and sweet. We used to be so close, now she won’t let me touch her.

Now that all seems like a distant memory. I feel bad for my older two who put up with a lot. Dd3 yells at us to be quiet as she has super sensitive hearing but refuses to wear headphones. She has some OCD so insists on all doors being closed at all times.

While its so stressful lately I keep analysing and over thinking why we had a third and I can’t even remember my thought process. Dh and I debated it for a while. I know this is an awful thing to admit. I love dd3 with all my heart but I sometimes wonder what life would be like if we’d stopped at 2.

OP posts:

Original poster

bendmeoverbackwards · 24/01/2022 11:52

@Thewoolmill thank you for your honest post, I am sorry to hear you are struggling.

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Chely · 26/01/2022 18:49

Our 2nd is awaiting asd assesment, he's 11 now. I suspected he was a bit different when younger but his development was fine, his teacher flagged it up not long after he turned 9 but then covid hit and it got put on the back burner (been over a year since I 1st contacted GP for referral). He's fine so long as he is occupied and I can calm him easily when needed, very intelligent and thrives if challenged at school (bad behaviour comes when he is bored). He was only 4 when we had our twins (4 & 5) and we had our 6th last year. I find our 3rd harder work than him, stubborn back chatty one. No signs of asd our the 5 girls that I've noticed but I do have OCD. No regrets having any of them, even when they have me stressed out I'm thankful I have them.

SparklyTroll · 03/02/2022 09:20

I have 4 kids and my 2nd is autistic. I think the key is to finding out what is causing all the anxiety and need to control everything. My son is in mainstream school but we have moved to a flexi schooling timetable so he is there 3 days a week and then comes home early of 2 days and he does art therapy on one afternoon and equine therapy on the other. He has been like a different child since we did this, just taken all the pressure and demand out of it for him I think. My heart goes out to you, I know what it’s like when you are in the midst of it and you have one trying to control every aspect of everyone’s life! Don’t feel bad for how you are feeling. It can be extremely difficult. Sending hugs x

Geneticsbunny · 03/02/2022 09:36

@duvetdayforeveryone. I probably just shouldn't reply to you but none of us have the right to judge other people's life experiences. Your experiences of autism/ ASD/ASC are not the same as anyone elses. How about trying to help and support this person by posting something useful instead of being an internet twat?

Geneticsbunny · 03/02/2022 09:42

@bendmeoverbackwards I have three and my eldest is disabled. One of the reasons for us deciding to have 3 was so that there is not just one sibling left "in charge" once we are older. My younger ones have gone through some really tough times but they are heading towards being pretty resilient well adjusted kids and I know that a lot of this is because of the life we are sharing with all of the ups and downs that come with it. My eldest has just hit puberty and is a completely different child. We have awful behaviour issues and he is really very unhappy but I managed to make friends with some mums with older kids with disabilities and they have all reassured me that things calm down as they get older and they now have great relationships with their kids.

duvetdayforeveryone · 03/02/2022 09:57

[quote Geneticsbunny]@duvetdayforeveryone. I probably just shouldn't reply to you but none of us have the right to judge other people's life experiences. Your experiences of autism/ ASD/ASC are not the same as anyone elses. How about trying to help and support this person by posting something useful instead of being an internet twat?[/quote]
On Mumsnet if a user is racist or antisemetic the post is deleted, yet users can be rude about those with Autism and no one bats an eye lid. I'm so sick of it!

You want advice, read a bloody book!!! There are plenty of them out there!
"The Reason I jump" is one. Available as an audiobook too.

Geneticsbunny · 03/02/2022 10:34

@duvetdayforeveryone I don't want to derail the OP by starting a bun fight here but I do honestly want to understand more about what you mean. Do you mind if I pm you?

Original poster

bendmeoverbackwards · 03/02/2022 11:19

@duvetdayforeveryone yes reading (yet another) book will solve everything.

How have I been ‘rude’ about autism? I accept that my dd is autistic but life is bloody challenging for her (and us). There are many positive aspects of autism buy pretending there aren’t any negative ones is putting your head in the sand.

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duvetdayforeveryone · 03/02/2022 11:23

Negative behaviour comes from not meeting a certain need. Whether that be not sticking to routine, doing something without warning, change, something sensory disliking etc

duvetdayforeveryone · 03/02/2022 11:42

I'm going to apologise @bendmeoverbackwards (and @Geneticsbunny)

I think due to your Thread Subject I have taken this thread the wrong way.

Perhaps if you had named your thread "Rant needed" then I would have seen it for what it is, but when you talk about regretting having a child because they have Autism I took it as offensive.

I take my hat off to all your family. If both parents and 2 siblings are neurotypical and only 1 person is neurodiverse then life must be extremely difficult. It must be tiring to always plan for different needs.

I suggest you fight for direct payments. It is most likely to be a fight, but once you have it you put your DD somewhere safe whilst the rest of your family can have some neurotypical time.

underneaththeash · 03/02/2022 12:12

@duvetdayforeveryone

Another autism is a burden thread

We’ll it obviously is - hence ‘additional’ needs.

My DD3 has ADHD - inattentive. Her brothers find her quite irritating but that’s about it.
I think with 3. You often end of doing different things with different children anyway due to their different interests at different ages.

Geneticsbunny · 03/02/2022 12:28

@duvetdayforeveryone. It takes a lot to admit a mispost. Thanks for staying and responding and not running off.

I agree, sounds like bendmeoverbackwards could maybe do with some more support in place so the rest of the family has time to rest and can then have more energy to work out how to support DD better. @bendmeoverbackwards have you asked for a carers assessment from your local council? That should enable you to access some more support.

Original poster

bendmeoverbackwards · 03/02/2022 13:41

Thank you @Geneticsbunny I don't think that would be appropriate for us. Dd3 is nearly 15 so can stay at home by herself. Over the Christmas holidays, we had a few outings with me, dh, dd1 and dd2. We obviously wanted dd3 to come each time and tried to involve her in the plans but she didn't or couldn't do it. I felt a bit guilty going out without her but then again dds 1 and 2 also deserve time and attention.

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duvetdayforeveryone · 03/02/2022 18:58

If DD3 is staying at home doing something she enjoys, why do you feel guilty?

Until today I completely forgot that when I was a child my parents dropped me off at my grandparents house every Sunday morning then collected me at 3pm. I really enjoyed going so thought it was a treat, but looking back it was probably due to them needing much needed respite from me. They probably did other activities with my 2 siblings, I just never knew about it or bothered to ask.

Original poster

bendmeoverbackwards · 04/02/2022 07:32

I suppose I feel not quite right without my whole brood and also because I feel sad for Dd3 as I’m guessing she wants to be there with us but feels she can’t.

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duvetdayforeveryone · 04/02/2022 08:06

@bendmeoverbackwards

I suppose I feel not quite right without my whole brood and also because I feel sad for Dd3 as I’m guessing she wants to be there with us but feels she can’t.

@bendmeoverbackwards But if she can't be there isn't it better you protect her and your other children? You need to make a time slot at the weekend for just you and your DD3 to do something DD3 specifically likes doing. You could watch something she enjoys together or take her for a hot chocolate? Children need 1:1 every now and again.

Original poster

bendmeoverbackwards · 04/02/2022 10:27

@duvetdayforeveryone I would love to spend time with her but every offer is refused. We used to be so close, such happy memories of times when she was little and her older sisters were at school or busy. In recent years we used to watch tv shows together, just me and her, but she doesn’t want to do that either. She usually talks to me when she needs me to get her something like dance stuff or endless hair products. I don’t mind doing this at all . I keep parental presence going by sending her messages on WhatsApp or I send her funny cat videos I’ve seen that she might like. Or I buy her a bar of chocolate and leave it outside her room. Just so she knows I’m thinking of her.

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duvetdayforeveryone · 04/02/2022 10:37

@bendmeoverbackwards Then you can do no more, and that is okay.

Could you leave Dh and DD3 by themselves for a night or a few, and have a break away with you and your other 2 daughters? Perhaps a city break or a spa.

Original poster

bendmeoverbackwards · 04/02/2022 11:53

[quote duvetdayforeveryone]@bendmeoverbackwards Then you can do no more, and that is okay.

Could you leave Dh and DD3 by themselves for a night or a few, and have a break away with you and your other 2 daughters? Perhaps a city break or a spa.[/quote]
Funnily enough we’ve been thinking of that. Dh and dd1 went away for a city break a few months ago which went very well. Dd2 is really keen on going away with me but the problem is Dd3 is very attached to me for her needs and doesn’t get on well with Dh (her dad) at the moment.

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duvetdayforeveryone · 05/02/2022 09:26

I suggest leaving DD3 with her dad for an hour, then slowly build up the time so eventually she can be left for longer with him. Start now so you can have your trip away in the summer :)

Rosebel · 10/02/2022 10:09

I have 3. DC2 has autism and although I haven't admitted it to anyone I'm pretty sure DS does too but he wouldn't be diagnosed yet anyway.
Its hard. DC2 has lots of issues and before DS was born I could balance her needs and her sisters. With a toddler it's much harder to do.
Sometimes I have wondered what it would be like if we'd only had one but then feel like a horrible parent.
I adore my children but it's really hard going sometimes.

Original poster

bendmeoverbackwards · 10/02/2022 13:30

That sounds tough @Rosebel sorry to hear. I'm just hoping that my beloved youngest sweet girl will come back in some form eventually. Being a 14/15 year old girl is tough even without autism!

And my worries and anxiety about her are more pronounced now that both dds 1 and 2 are away at university in term time.

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