Want large family but find babies hard

[Myspiritan]

Hi, just wondering if there’s anyone here with large family that found the baby stage hard. I have 2 DDs already and am considering more. My DH would keep going forever I think if he had the choice!! My biggest issue is that I really struggle with the baby stage. Both times I got very anxious and really struggled with lack of sleep etc. I’d hoped second time would be better and it was marginally but I still found it really really hard.

@sweetkitty why do people say that? I really honestly wonder? I have a baby who is in that separation anxiety phase who screams if I go to the toilet, doesn't want Daddy and wants attention all the time. I have an older child too to entertain. The baby clings to my legs when I'm cooking. She baby woke up 5 times in the night and started the day at 5.30am. My older child says Mum 900 times a minute and cannot do anything for a second by himself despite being in reception. I cannot see how a teenager is harder than that? There are things to worry about for all ages. My oldest has had a delay and has been a massive worry and lots of appointments and had an operation last year, much better since, but it's affected his schooling. Young children is physical graft lifting, changing, chasing, playing with them combined with a lack of sleep.

Tbh I think it’s better than the other way round- I’ve known a couple of women who have had really big families but are particularly fixated on the pregnancy and the ‘baby stage’ then struggle when that bit is over. The baby stage is the shortest part then you have years and years of either a toddler/child/teen.

I guess it’s weighing it up and how prepared you are to put yourself through it again.

I think teens is much more complex emotionally and less balanced by them being simply adorable ☺️ . I work full time with young dc and am conscious this may not be a good plan with teens, they may need more time. Id like a large family too op but it looks more and more likely I will stop at 3. I find pregnancies difficult, I don’t want to give up work, and childcare and private school will be very expensive.

I'd say my parents didn't do much with us educational support wise as young children, but as teens I think they were right not to baby us. Both myself and my brother did ok in our exams with no input from either parent. My Dad said if you can't be bothered to revise then don't and you will fail. I think with a better foundation in primary, we could of achieved more, but we went to two very poor schools. They were considered good schools for the area, but very in a deprived place. I can't see how as teenagers we really took up much time, some taxi services, other than that stayed in our rooms a lot other than for food. Obviously if they have hobbies or sport commitments then yes that's time invested there, but having a 11 month old I can't leave her at home by herself.

My DH has school leaver trainees at his work and his biggest complaint is they can't do anything themselves with out support. This lack of confidence in trying could be down to parents helicoptering teens and I know many mums with teens who do their homework with or for them ( I'm an older SAHM mum so many friends have teenagers)

@easterattheready when they are young your life is totally devoted them (well if you have several DC close in age like I did paid in employment wasn't really viable) they are portable, your life is totally geared to them. You kiss everything better and look after their needs in simple ways.

OK so not the case if there are major SEN or disabilities.

As per teens and teens they no longer go to bed at 7pm and you lose your evening chill time, you're back working, you wanted some hobbies back for yourself etc.

When they have SEN or emotional issues, friendship problems you can't actually help that much you have to let them deal with it (guidance as appropriate), a cuddle with Mum no longer comforts them in the same way.

I find the emotional stressed and strains harder. We're all different! My DH has always been very hands on and had a close bond with each so I never experienced only "Mum" being good enough.

🤷🏽‍♀️

@RandomMess my 4 year old goes to bed at 7pm, he's never asleep until 9.10pm, but he sleeps until 7am. Unlike the early wake up baby ! I don't know why, but he's never needed more than 10 hours sleep even as a baby. My youngest is the same 10 hours with naps included and night time. I'd probably find it easier with less mum hours, plus my DH works long hours and has a long drive each way to his jobs. Seeing less of Daddy isn't great as they are so bonded to me only. So I suppose it's all on me and that's why it's harder. I adore my kids, but I do get mega jealous of those who have had partners at home with this pandemic to help them with their babies this year ( obviously financial issues aside as that's a major pressure for anyone affected.)

@easterattheready one of mine never needed much sleep but at least they were upstairs in bed.

Before you know it they are going to bed later than you are!

I was very supportive of their hobbies because my DP weren't and DH no longer drives so I did a lot of taxi ing for a lot of years and then they get part time jobs argh 🤦🏼‍♀️

I have three children and agree the baby stage is exhausting and tedious.

However what I have realised is that whilst the first 2 years feel like a life time it does go really quickly.

Also you need support and I think my DH and I are a good team and I don't feel that the children are an issue for me but I do feel the work load is shared between us and as we share childcare between us it means the kids are not attached to one of us more than the others and sometimes the child hanging off you or only want one parent can be more exhausting

I have four but they were all very content babies, sorry I know that's not helpful at all but I imagine I would have stopped at 2 or 3 If I struggled with the baby phase. One of the big perks I've found is that they all keep eachother company and play together, they are never bored or lonely. I would have another if I could afford a cleaner, lol!

One child finished me off. I didn't have any more.

Just wondering given the description- did you get your tft checked? Postpartum thyroiditis is very common and treatable

Large families, in my experience, are for those who really can get their boots muddy and deal with the unyielding graft that comes with raising babies. You have to love all of it or at least be robust enough to cope with those early days and years.
I have 3 kids with large gaps. I would not cope with more. I am not a mentally strong person and although I love being a mother and do believe that in my own life, being a mother has given me amazing purpose and unbelievable joy, I do struggle with parenting. I am not by nature a 'tuck in and love this whole gig' parent. I love my children wholly and consistently and above all, unconditionally. And the love comes naturally and easily. But the work involved in parenting is hard, for me, because I am rather mentally fragile in some ways, strong in others. But that strength has not been there for me in the early years. Once they're around the age 4-5, I'm great. But I could see with our last DC how much the non-sleeping and the graft and my inability to cope well impacted my older two. So pace yourself, OP. It's not a race. And you can stop at two! You don't have to have a big family.

Those with 4 and 5 kids do it with such grace in ways I can't. Once I took ownership of this, I stopped feeling compelled to have a large family. Once I really thought, "I'm good. This works. We don't need more," I felt right. And once you have more than 3 kids, I'm sorry, it's just full on. Your partner wants a big family. If your partner is hands on and does all the night feeds, great! But they never do. The guys who want the big families also want 2 dogs they never ever walk. Sorry to be cynical. But how your partner is now with your 2 kids is how he will always be. So take a really honest look at how involved he is before you leap into life with more babies. Once you have 3+ kids, you must have an active, engaged, can-do, hands-on partner.

Oh yes the taxiing teens. Of course they might not do this and I hope mine can use pt/share lifts but with several it’s somewhere every afternoon /night of the week and often several places at once, then Saturday sport and Sunday sport...
think about it- 3 kids, one does rugby, sax and debating, one does tennis, hockey guitar. One does drama and athletics, there are rehearsals/training and matches/performances/competition, and that’s a very moderate schedule per child.

@easterattheready I had 4 DC in less than 6 years so a newborn, an under 2, one at nursery and one at school and honestly I would take that again than have teenagers. I just worry about them more. We’ve had boyfriend angst, bullying, anxiety, depression, self harm, exam worries. When they were toddlers and babies you could protect them and life seemed easier. They adored you, hung on your every word, you were their world, a walk to the park or watching Peppa cured everything now they just hate you cos you know nothing and are a Karen apparently .

I know exactly what you mean about wanting a large family but finding babies hard. Some people love being pregnant and tiny babies. Not me. But we wanted to have a third and I saw the baby stage as a down payment on all the amazingness that a new member of our family would bring. And it is worth it. It was hard but does go quickly third time round and you know what to expect, you know everything is a phase. But you do need to be a team, I couldn’t have done this with a partner who doesn’t pull their weight. So I think that’s what you need to consider, do you feel you have the mental strength to go through the baby stage one more time and what support will you have along the way and do you see all that as worth it for what you are building, your larger family? I ended up thinking that I didn’t want to not go for it because I was put off by the very first stage of it all, which recedes into memory so fast as they grown up.

Those with 4 and 5 kids do it with such grace in ways I can't. Once I took ownership of this, I stopped feeling compelled to have a large family

I love this comment. We have 3 and, although adding the third has been very tough on all of us, we ALL (me, kids, DH) desperately want another. But we won’t. I get very ill during pregnancy and I’ve felt both times like it took me 18-24 months to be as good a mother to 2/3 as I was to 1/2... So in a way I feel like adding a 4th would disrupt the lives of the first 3 for 2-3 years. Is that really fair?

I wish we were a family that could have 4 kids. I wish I breezed through pregnancy and hormones and sleep deprivation, but I don’t. We are incredibly lucky to have our 3 and I’m almost at the point that VanguardSix describes above. I love having neighbourhood kids over and the kids’ friends over to add to the chaos and the gang. That gives us the best of both worlds, a bit.

I would add that I know 2 big families (5 and 6 kids respectively). The former is the very example of everything a big family should be. The latter is not. I wouldn’t want to end up in that camp and I would so much rather be the best Mum of 3 possible than forever stretched too thin.

We wanted 3. But stopped at 2. I have horrible pregnancies and found the baby stage very hard (especially DS1 for health/non sleeping reasons). But I was prepared to "sacrifice" 2 years to get past the hard bit.

However both DC are now in primary school and I totally underestimated the time and mental load associated.

Without counting the recently diagnosed ADHD (which is accompanied by 3 appointments a week), medically we've had:
Migraines, speech therapy, braces, salmonella poisoning requiring a 4 night hospital stay, another virus requiring a night in hospital, glasses, various sprains needing xrays as well as your standard vaccinations and illnesses and dentist appointments.

School wise there's homework, friendship problems, parties, play dates, bullying and yesterday DS1 came home with huge scratches down his face so having to talk to school about that.

Then there's the clubs. Ok its "optional" but very nice to have. Mine do 2 sports each.

I love them dearly but am worried about the teenage years and salute anyone who manages to have more than 2 DC!