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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

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Original poster

IVF this year but father against it

50 replies

sk1pper · 08/01/2017 11:46

I never thought it would come to this but if my HSG is clear in two weeks time I'll be starting IVF.

I haven't told my parents that I've been TTC, but naturally the subject of babies and grandchildren has come up a few times as me and my partner have been together for nearly 8 years now.

When I was round theirs for Christmas we were talking about that new research that suggests a baby could be grown from three parents. We were obviously discussing the ethics about this and my Dad went off on a rant about IVF and how if you can't have a baby naturally then you shouldn't go against nature.

I had been planning to tell my parents about the IVF if it came to that but now I feel like my Dad will will be disappointed in me if I go through with it. I'm not saying that I'm having second thoughts, it's my life after all but I just always imagined they'd be there to support me through it.

Do you think I should tell him or keep it secret?

OP posts:

NataliaOsipova · 08/01/2017 17:15

....and I certainly didn't say she wasn't entitled to be upset by what he said. I'm sure she was; it's only natural to be upset if someone criticises something which is very personal to you. But - as she expressed it at least - her father was giving views on what he thought was an abstract issue and didn't know how pertinent it was to the OP. If he had done, then it would be fair enough for her to think him extremely tactless. But, by the sound of it, he didn't realise how personal he was being and wasn't trying to upset her.

TammySwanson · 08/01/2017 17:20

But in your eyes the freedom of speech is fundamental so if this is his true view then he should express it, and not change it simply because it might upset his daughter. Surely if he didn't express it (so as not to offend/upset her) then he is curtailing his right to free speech (in your eyes).

Anyhow, I don't want to get into a debate about it, we will just have to disagree, it's not relevant to the thread, let's not derail further and let the OP decide what she wants to do.

MrsChrisPratt · 08/01/2017 17:21

he thought was an abstract issue and didn't know how pertinent it was to the OP. If he had done, then it would be fair enough for her to think him extremely tactless. But, by the sound of it, he didn't realise how personal he was being and wasn't trying to upset her.

I don't buy this. Just because he didn't realise the OP / her partner have fertility issues, doesn't excuse his 'tactless(ness)' as you put it. Is it OK to make disablist remarks when there are only able bodied people present?

DailyFail1 · 08/01/2017 17:23

My dad used to say the same crap then got really quiet on the subject when he found out I might need it. If he loves you he'll understand.

timelytess · 08/01/2017 17:24

Tell parents nothing. Just think 'Dad's ignorant' and move on.

MrsChrisPratt · 08/01/2017 17:26

I presume all the anti IVF people also take no antibiotics when ill, don't vaccinate and don't seek treatment when they develop a cancer?

Because you should just accept it as nature's way?

Don't want to totally derail the thread but basically, unless he rejects all medical assistance his views are bollocks.

NataliaOsipova · 08/01/2017 17:27

MrsChris. I don't think it is splitting hairs (I'm honestly not trying to, anyway). For example, one of my friends is a deeply religious evangelical Christian. (I've known her since we were very small; she found the Church about 20 years ago). I do not share her religious beliefs. Because of those beliefs, I expect that she would say that IVF was wrong because it should be God who creates life (she also doesn't agree with contraception for the same reason). I would completely disagree with her (and on many levels) but I don't think her view is unacceptable as I respect her right to her own religious beliefs. And I wouldn't call her a "dickhead" either.

(I might call her a dickhead if, knowing someone was struggling to conceive and was about to embark upon a course of IVF, she chose to express her views on the subject in an unsolicited fashion to that person. But she wouldn't. And this isn't what the OP's father did, at least on my reading of her post. Although I can absolutely understand why it upset her and why she's now reluctant to talk about it to him.)

MrsChrisPratt · 08/01/2017 17:31

We'll have to disagree in that case natalia, there are plenty of religious views that I find personally unacceptable, I don't think labelling things as religious and therefore off limits from criticism/question is helpful. People are free to hold whatever beliefs they wish, and I am free to find them unacceptable.

NataliaOsipova · 08/01/2017 17:37

I think you are confusing two points. I think people have the right to make any remarks they wish to any audience; equally, however, that audience has the right to judge them on that basis. But just because you hold a view and can express it doesn't mean that it is always nice or kind to do so. The friend I referred to above will believe, I have no doubt, that my children and I are going to hell because we have not repented of our sins and don't follow her religion. But she wouldn't be much of a friend to sit and tell us that over coffee!

Lindy2 · 08/01/2017 17:38

Your dad has had his child/children. Now it's your turn to do what you need to, to have yours.
I wouldn't tell him. You don't need any extra stress. This is a choice for you and your partner and no one else.
Good luck with your ivf.

MrsChrisPratt · 08/01/2017 17:41

I'm not confused at all. I'm saying regardless of who is or is not present, expressing/holding those views is pretty abhorrent, and totally hypocritical if you use any kind of medical assistance, as obviously that all goes against nature, based on the OPs fathers logic.

MrsChrisPratt · 08/01/2017 17:42

I'm gonna bow out here anyway as don't want to completely derail the thread. Suffice to say, I'd ignore your Dad and do it anyway.

KickAssAngel · 08/01/2017 17:44

OP - as someone who went through IVF can I suggest you think hard about whether to tell your parents at all? You know your relationship with them, but I found it MUCH harder knowing that other people knew. We started off not telling anyone, but I had so many appointments and times I couldn't travel that we had to explain. Then it felt like every conversation I was being 'watched' to see if I looked happy/sad or anything.

IVF is really hard - the drugs can really send your hormones crazy, like crawling round on the floor moaning like an animal in pain level of unhappiness.

You know best how you get on with your parents, but I found anonymity a safe bubble which protected me for a while.

And sorry that you're having to go through this, it really sucks.

mintthins · 08/01/2017 17:46

Don't tell your mum unless you are also prepared to tell your dad. It's just not fair to put her in that position.

We never told anyone. Not even our oldest friends. And that included not telling my DM when we met her straight from implantation. We liked that it was a deeply private process though and I do recognise that everyone has differing opinions on sharing stuff like that. I would never have told anyone that we were TTC.

Original poster

sk1pper · 08/01/2017 18:05

MrsChris - actually the arguement about vaccinations and medications was exactly what I argued back to my father before I decided to shut my mouth for risk of bursting into tears. He just said tampering with nature is just one step too far. I do question whether he actually knows what IVF is, I mean you are just joining an egg and sperm outside the body and implanting it. There is no real "tampering" - it's just aiding the process.

KickAss - thank you for your advice, I think you're right. Ugh it sounds horrendous, do you mind me asking how it went for you?

OP posts:

beansbananas · 08/01/2017 18:36

I think you should talk to your father before you start your ivf. I have had a number of friends who are fortunate enough to have had successful ivf treatments. However they always say how hard it was both emotionally and physically and it should not be underestimated what an impact it had on their lives. As a consequence I think you may start to resent your father if you try to keep it a secret, and feel bitter that you can't share this experience with them. Whilst I have not been through this, I went through something very traumatic when trying to conceive last year. As my mil had expressed her absolute disapproval of anyone making similar decisions, we were forced to keep it a secret from all our friends and family. No one understands the heartache or feelings of loss I felt, and the utter loneliness of not being able to share the experience with anyone other than my husband. if I'm honest I resented her as a consequence, and it's only now that I am starting to recover and rebuild our once very close relationship. I would hate you to feel like this about your father, and I'm sure that once you discuss it, he will feel differently about his own grandchild. I wish you lots of luck with the treatment.

PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2017 18:40

I would hate you to feel like this about your father, and I'm sure that once you discuss it, he will feel differently about his own grandchild. I wish you lots of luck with the treatment.

That is absolutely not guaranteed to be the case. It might lead to a big family feud if he sticks to his opinion. The op might get lucky and he changes his mind but it's very optimistic to think he'll just decide his precious stance was wrong.

beansbananas · 08/01/2017 18:49

PurpleDaisies you're right there are no guarantees. I guess I just wanted to say that in my experience the secret has proven to be a big burden and maybe it might have been easier to have everything out in the open. But every family relationship is different, and I totally respect other people's comments that privacy helped them through the process.

FudgeBiscuits · 08/01/2017 18:53

Tell him when your child is 2/3 years old.

Make him realise how much he'd have missed if if wasn't for IVF

Marley45 · 08/01/2017 19:03

Don't tell him. You really don't want to have to listen to that sort of shit when you're starting treatment. IVF is a wonderful thing, and works miracles in some cases.

A woman I used to work with used to blart on about how she wouldn't take pain killers, antibiotics, have HRT etc etc. Then had a hip replacement. I never did ask her how it was without any pain relief.

KickAssAngel · 08/01/2017 20:33

DD is 13

BUT we never managed another, and that was hard to deal with.

I actually got pregnant by going on the pill and DH wasn't in the room at the time, so I guess it wasn't 'natural'. But DD is mine & his. Not sure how we'd have felt about donor sperm/eggs.

One answer for your dad is that nature gave people the brains to work out IVF, so it's just part of nature anyway. Just like discovering how to use fire.

How does your dad feel about adoption?

Original poster

sk1pper · 08/01/2017 21:07

KickAss - that's awesome, and I don't think I'd use donor eggs/sperm to be honest. Not sure how he'd feel about adoption, my fathers a traditionalist but I think he would surprise himself put in that situation.

I hope I haven't shed my father in a bad light. Normally I shake off his opinions but this one really hit home. I do love him though.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/01/2017 21:17

Skip I wouldn't tell your dad. He has his views and if failed he may come back and say well coz it's not meant to happen iyswim

If successful sit down with both parents and when you tell them explain that Mother Nature didn't play ball , but with help of doctors and ivf you got preg

My parents knew about ivf as did our close friends. They were gutted for me and them (no gc) when cycle one failed. They paid for second. Mum sadly died before the second cycle started :( and again failed and dad so upset - tho obv losing his wife of 50yrs didn't help either

As it's so painful when ivf fails we decided not to tell anyone about the 3&4 cycle - which again both failed. It was easier for us to cope with it without having to say to friends and family failed again and almost deal with their grief

The 5th worked and currently 28w preg. When we told my dad at 7w he was amazed and think a little wow as thought we had stopped 2yrs ago but understood why we didn't tell anyone

Blue. Again say to your parents. Explain you didn't want the q if failed but as successful the you wanted to tell them that ttc wasn't happening and ivf worked

It will be over your medical notes. On every scan and consults and notes it says ivf preg and on mine 5th try.

Blueroses99 · 08/01/2017 21:42

Don't tell your dad. You need supportive people around you, and if there's a risk that someone might not be supportive, best they don't know. Choose who you tell carefully but don't go through it entirely alone. If you aren't comfortable confiding to anyone in real life, there are cycle buddy threads online that are great for support. Good luck

pteradactyl · 11/01/2017 12:49

I wouldn't tell him. I hope he would either rethink or at least keep quiet if he still didn't agree but you never know and I think that would be hard to deal with. I founs it hard when my mum said "sometimes you just need ro know when to let go of an idea" in a very well meaning way in regards to ivf. I think we would keep schtum now

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