Angry, angry, angry

[Sussex1983]

Long time lurker, wanted to post many times but didn't because it would make this situation real. I
had a six week scan yesterday after my third ICSI attempt. We have male factor infertility.
First attempt was unsuccessful & second was a missed miscarriage discovered at my six week scan. Yesterday revealed that I've miscarried again - presumed around the 6 week mark.

For those of you who have been in this situation, were you as furiously angry as I feel now ? Not with any person, just at the whole sorry situation.
I'm absolutely apoplectic with rage that the universe is taking the piss out of me by letting me go through this hideous treatment process, let me get pregnant, feel that joy, then steal it away from me.
I feel like my heart is broken in two. I don't want to be strong, I don't want to be positive (I swear if one more person tells me to be positive - including my husband - I'll strangle them) , I want to scream & stamp my feet at how unfair & cruel this feels.
I am aware that there is a whole lot of 'I' & 'me' in this post. Please tell me I'm not alone in this bubble of selfish self pity

Sorry, left off:

autoimmune antibodies ( inc. anti-nuclear antibodies, thyroid peroxidase and anti-mitochondrial antibodies)

I would go for any tests your GP will be willing to run first, just in case something is found in those ones, before paying for the more specialist immune tests.

My problem turned out to be Antiphospholipid syndrome (APS) (shown by the anticardiolipin and lupus anticoagulant tests my GP ran for me). So I've saved money by finding and treating this problem rather than going for the full raft of costly tests straight away. The treatment for APS (heparin to thin the blood plus aspirin) is readily available on the NHS so very low-cost.

Had the tests I listed not shown anything, I would have paid to see Mr Shehata (in bananafish's list) who I think is one of only two or three immune fertility specialists in the country.

My GP also referred me to a community Gynae team who I was due to have a scan with to check my anatomy (both issues with your uterus and cervix can cause miscarriage), so again that would have saved more private clinic charges.

Hi, me & my other half have been trying for three years. Infertility on his side. I'm hardly tip top though. He's been through an op to get his half of the deal & today I picked up my drugs to start the icsi process.
I'm just starting to question if this heartache & stress is worth it with all the risks. My other half is so supportive & is happy for either decision; he doesn't find having a child life defining even though he'd love to have one & is freaking with all the drugs & potential complications I'm facing because of him.
Because of the long process we've been through to get to this point, I feel like I'm psyching myself out of this; I've already got low mood, excessive emotions & my work is suffering (nurse). Fortunately I have an amazing support network so know I'll get through but with so many tough story's I'm not sure this is the right path for us anymore. We're a very content couple with active lives but would we regret not giving it a go in a few years? Advice from you ladies further down the line than me would be welcome. (We're early 30's)

Thanks again ladies for the test / blood suggestions. I feel much more prepared for tomorrow.

Givingupwine - I think these feelings are pretty common, it's a huge decision & commitment to undertake this path of treatment & hope.

My husband is desperate for children & would be an amazing father - but similar to your husband, he can accept that it may not happen & is ok with making a different life for us.
We have a great life from the outside, people always tell us how 'lucky' we are to have no stress, worry, ties (because you know when you're childless life is one big party and endless sleep...) but it's just not enough for me.
Personally, I would have always regretted not giving it at least a try, even though the outcome may not be what you want. In my more 'sane' moments I think about what will be the stopping point for me - age/number of treatments/my relationship suffering. I'm obviously not there yet, so I'll carry on.

Only you & your husband can decide what is right for both of you. Please don't be scared, the scary bit is where you have no control, you can completely control what you do next & how you move on.

Very, very best of luck - whatever you choose to do.

Thanks Sussex, I really hope everything turns out ok for you too.