People can be so bloody thoughtless

[PeppermintCrayon]

Sorry, I just need to have a rant about how thoughtless and tactless people can be.

I can't have children any time soon, and possibly ever, due to some health issues. Two people (both of whom have kids) have upset me with their stupid comments lately. I'll get over it but need to have a grumble.

The first was at my table at a safeguarding training day. She asked if I had kids. I said no. She said: "Lucky you!"

The second is a friend of a friend who I met the other day. She asked if I had kids. I said no. She said "Oh, that's nice." I said "Well no, it's not as it's due to health problems." Then felt bad for making her feel awkward.

I just needed to vent, sorry.

Merrycat, I said journey as my dyslexic mind was struggling with circumstances. I don't like journey either, made me cringe lol

Ps - I'm I found my self on this thread because I'm slowly coming to realise that a 2nd dc just might no be possible. If one more person asks me when we will 'complete our family' I just might stick my sock in their mouth.

To be fair im infertile been trying 7 years and had 4 ivfs and early menopause and I hear all sorts, non of it bothers me, I usually say no but I have 5 cats (3 from ivf failures!) that usually gets a smile to break what could be an awkward convo, whilst I understand you feeling rubbish and you are entitled to I wouldn't judge them for not knowing what to say, it must be as awkward for them. And people just say the first thing that comes into their head I think, in the same way a parent or single parent might make throw away comments on needing a day off etc because they are probably used to trotting out those well used lines

"I don't know why I asked really - just being nosy' sounds like a wonderfully diplomatic response.

I can't pretend to fully understand how you feel OP - but thank you for starting this thread and teaching me something useful.
I'm sure I've inadvertently hurt people in conversations like this - it's hard to know if it's better to talk about it or not, especially with people you're not especially close to.

I'm sure the fools you spoke to were just that.

I do think it's tough for those not struggling with infertility and it makes me sad to think there are people with new babies panicking about being excited or showing me photos incase it upsets me, it doesn't upset me but I think they must presume i'm an emotional wreck putting on a brave face. I think for any lady with a baby 'thank god that's one less of us not struggling with the heartache of infertility' I also think of all the times I might mention my pets, my partner, my parents, not knowing if the person i'm talking to might be struggling with the loss of one of those

Personally I'm fine with people talking about kids. But telling me I must feel x about not having them, when they don't know if it's a choice or not...

People are often breathtakingly rude in conversation without exactly meaning to be, because they're only thinking about themselves. Doesn't excuse it of course.

Have you tried saying something brief but that makes your position clear, like 'No, I'd like to have children but it hasn't happened' ? Although you'd probably still get some twits who will tell you you've got off lightly, a lot more people will get with the programme.

People can be really insensitive, can't they? But then I think I was once too, because I didn't realise how many people have trouble TTC, or how heartbreaking it is.

But it still hurts when other people do it. In the last few months I've had:

"Oh I love your new dress, I wish I could buy new clothes for myself, but all my money goes on my children" hmm...don't you think I'd rather be wearing threadbare clothes and spending every last penny on a child of my own? Did it occur to you that I bought the dress to cheer myself up?

"Free time, what's that? I just don't have a life any more" don't you realise how lucky you are?

This last one from a newly-returned-to-work mother who is younger than me and got pregnant as soon as she started trying "do you think you'll have a baby too one day? They're lots of fun" yes I know, I'm considering stealing yours. What I actually said was "it's not quite as easy as ordering one from Amazon, you know"

I don't think any of them are malicious, but there's this kind of expectation in society that as a woman, when you get into a certain age band, or when you've been married a few years, everyone expects you to have children, and that somehow you're not complete as a woman if you don't. That's what's wrong.

Chin up, OP. We're all there with you. Some people just don't think.

It is a minefield and I do sympathise. I'm losing our fourth at the moment and I even had a comment from a MW friend saying 'who would have thought I would be the one to be married with children.' ??
She fancied my ex years ago and asked him out when we broke up.but he said no. Glad she got her pound of flesh in the end.

I did appreciate one friend chatting about her kids, pausing and saying 'I'm sorry, is this hard for you?' That's all it takes really, compassion and hugs.

I often would love to answer with no, I lost four children in the same way as I say my father has died. It's not easy for others, I think flippant remarks are borne out of discomfort.

I am sorry for all your losses and failed IVF attempts.

I totally sympathise OP. Every time babies or pregnancy are mentioned at my work (roughly every 30 seconds it feels like!) my PA says to me 'they're catching you know!' She says it in front of everyone and they all laugh awkwardly and I fake smile. One day I am tempted to retort with something about need to brush up on her biology but she is hard work already and that would just make her worse.

I do have to confess as a young, over-excitable woman in my early 20s who couldn't wait to start a family I probably said all sorts of things that would make me stabby now. I was immature and unthinking. I didn't for one second think infertility would affect me or those around me. If there is one thing I am glad about the infertility, it's that it has really, really hammered home the saying 'everybody has their cross to bear.' I no longer make any assumption about what anyone is going through in their life, regardless of how it may appear on the surface.

Good luck to everyone suffering infertility.

You have my complete sympathy OP, and everyone else on here who is going through similar. Fackinell my heart goes out to you.

I've been ttc for 3 years, I have no children, I'm 37 and recently found out I have a large ovarian cyst, poss endometriosis, and I'm having a laparotomy next week to possibly remove my ovary and investigate how much damage has occurred inside.

Comments I have received include "Oh well, don't be upset, you can still conceive with one ovary you know" - yes, I know, but please allow me a tiny bit of sympathy when having one of my reproductive organs removed.

Another well meaning friend recommended I wear maternity jeans to accommodate my hugely swollen belly. She is young and naiive and wouldn't have realised how sensitive I am, but the thought that went through my head was that I might never get to wear maternity jeans, I'm damned if the only time I do wear them is to fit over my ovarian cyst!

But by far the worst comments have been from several people who, when I have told them that my surgery is a similar cut to a C-Section have said "Oh, I had a C-Section, at least you can relax while you recover, I had a 9lb baby to cope with as well!". Yes, you went through that surgery and had a baby as your reward. I'm going to go through it and have one less ovary and even less of a chance of ending up with a baby as my reward.

They mean well, and I just laugh and smile, but inside I want to scream.

Incidentally, I have been guilty of asking the 'Do you have kids' question to childless women before now. When they say no, I just say, oh, me neither and move on. Those who come out with the 'Oh I'd kill for a day off' should walk a day in our shoes.

Thank you, PJs,I'm so sorry for your troubles too. I really do wish you well and dearly hope you get to wear those maternity jeans for the right reasons one day soon.

I'm sorry for your pain. We are struggling to have our second child, it's been 13 years of "God, isn't about time you had another one?", "you have to have more, he will be lonely!", "You can't just have the one, that's not fair on him, think of when he is older and you're not around!"..... Yes, people are stupid!!! Insensitive and idiotic!!!
We are very lucky to have a child, the years of hoping it would happen again and a brief spell of treatment have been enough to send me over the edge on times.
I hope your time will come and that you find peace. Until then, stay away from people! (I try too lol) xx

Yep I hear this too. I think people don't realise that it can be a touchy subject if they've never had a problem! I got a lot of blaze comments from colleagues and stuff when (little did they know) we were going through ivf. It was very hard to take. Sending hugs. X