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Original poster

How much did you tell your children about the terrorist attacks in London?

78 replies

expatkat · 11/07/2005 18:34

I was very direct with my ds, who is nearly 6. I didn't mention that people had lost their lives, but if he'd asked, I'd have said so (I think).

If I had a more anxious sort of child, I might well have kept it from him, but it seemed the right thing to do for this particular child. (My 2-year-old is happily oblivious.)

I'm not entirely sure I did the right thing, but I'm comfortable enough with my decision.

How did you all handle it with your young children?

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 12/07/2005 13:05

DD 2.9 actually asked us repeatedly "what's happened"? Dh and I were talking while looking at the web, didn't realise she was listening. She wanted to see what had happened so we showed the pic on the bbc news site of 2 policemen standing by a cordon and said "this happened, 2 policemen stood here" After a while she seemed satisified though she obviously gathered that something untoward had happened

Blu · 12/07/2005 13:31

Nothing.
DS is almost 4. Didn't want him freaking in terror every time Mummy and Daddy leave him at nursery to disappear into the tube system, and also, he would actually, in his lack of understanding about what death actually means in someone's life, have found the whole thing exciting, and we would have endured weeks of 'explosion' play.
So were v low key, didn't talk about it in front of him, or have the news on.

Marina · 12/07/2005 13:37

Ds flipped channels in search of an acceptable alternative to Tracy Beaker on Thursday pm and saw Tony Blair, whom he loves, giving his initial reaction. Luckily this was all he saw. And he reads newspaper headlines inquisitively now, so we have taken good care not to leave ours lying around.
We have simply said that bad people claiming to act in the name of Islam had bombed some public transport. Yes, some people died, which was appalling, and we were very sad. Yes, it was wicked to do something like this in the name of a God. He is six and has not made the connection between mummy and daddy working in the affected areas and we certainly aren't going to spell that out.

Cadmum · 12/07/2005 14:20

Copper: Yes, we were at William Goodenough. and yes, the whole truth. If my child asks me a question, I give him/her an honest answer. For example: My 8 year old son knows that it is 60 degrees down there and that the rescue crews are removing bodies; our six year old knows that people have died on the tube we used often and on the bus we took daily; our 3 year old recognized King's Cross on the front page of the newspaper and asked me if there was a fire in there so I explained that there had been explosions on the tube and he seemed to accept that and carried on playing.

Children are much more aware of the feelings and events around them for which we give them credit and a child's imagination is a big thing. The truth about real events frees them to be less afraid of imagined things. I would sooner have my child be afraid of being harmed by a stranger (a possible if unlikely event) than live in fear of the boogie-man (an imagined creature). Having said that, I recognize that every parent should have the right to tell their children as much or as little about any situation as they see fit.
Anecdote alert: I just asked my 8 and 6 year olds if they would feel safe on the tube in London and my 8 year old replied," Sure, I could get hit by a car crossing our street." DD, 6 said, "Not by myself; I might get lost."

I did not take the decision to answer all of my children's questions lightly; it was a conscious decision that my husband and I made together. Our childhoods were shrouded in veiled messages about possible threats and we were far more afraid of things than our children are.

FWIW: It is not just distance that makes it easy to talk about the events in London. We also take the bus everywhere we go here and the only country left on these terrorists list of countries to be attacked is ours, Canada.

wordsmith · 12/07/2005 14:34

I think I probably would have had a harder time explaining things to my 5 years old if we lived in London and regularly took the tube. I'm sure he would have been more worried if that was the case.

mandyc66 · 12/07/2005 15:50

answer the questions they ask honestly.

WigWamBam · 12/07/2005 15:55

Answering the questions they ask is fine, and is the line I would normally take. However, in this instance I have chosen not to expose my dd to any of it, and so there have been no questions to answer. I just think that 4 is too young, and particularly as she has suddenly started to have a lot of nightmares and irrational fears lately, and as we travel everywhere on buses and trains I don't want to worry her needlessly.

Ameriscot2005 · 12/07/2005 16:00

We've talked to our older kids (13 and 11) about it, but haven't mentioned it to our others (8 and down). I have tried to gauge what the younger ones already know, and figured that it was next to nothing. Saying that, we did have a minute's silence at the school Speech Day on Saturday "for the events in London".

We were in the USA for 9/11 and were advised by the children's teachers not to let them watch TV - especially the endless pictures of the planes piercing the twin towers. I've basically followed this advice, and will follow any lead from the children for more information.

FIMAC1 · 12/07/2005 16:23

We were in NY on 9/11 and I had a total news blackout running in the house - explained what had happened and that they were going to be safe and didn't let on I was feeling totally shocked by it all - had a talk at their school some weeks later by a child pychologist in which parents were in a real mess about it all and also their kids (who had been allowed to watch unlimited coverage) He explained gently that they only need to know as much as they ask and no more - no detail is needed and no coverage on TV recommended - which I was pleased about as I wondered if what I had done was right!

Also another Indian born Mum mentioned that she was fairly OK about it all as she had grown up under terrorism being in her day to day life - as had I, with Northern Ireland being at the height of its troubles when I was a child in the 70's, so we felt slightly easier about dealing with it

Still awful, awful experience though that I would never want to go through again

PeachyClair · 12/07/2005 16:48

I explained it fairly comprehensively, that a bad man had put a bomb and it had killed some people and hurt more.

I learned the hard way after the Tsunami: I kept him informed but gently so (he's only 5). Headmaster at school then told them all about a mum who had to choose which child to choose to save (I wont give deatils, still makes me cry!). I only heard about this from a friend, but Sam confirmed it had happened as was indeed very upset. i now like to get my version in on things so I hope they can understand things in context.

nooka · 12/07/2005 19:13

I haven't told ds (6) or dd (4). I never watch the news with them, and we don't get a paper, I'm not sure if ds's school has said anything. He's not mentioned it.

I wouldn't say I'm hiding it from them, but I don't see any reason especially to tell them. Should they ask questions I will answer them.

We live in London and use public transport quite a bit (ds is particularly keen) so I have talked to them already about watching out for their bags, and bombs in a general sort of way. I can't see any particular reason why they need to know any more at the moment.

mandyc66 · 12/07/2005 19:56

childrenask if they want to know something. they only take in what they understand! I wouldnt say too much to a small child but as I said if they ask they need an answer. obviously you only tell them what you feel they will understand and can cope with

AnnieSG · 12/07/2005 19:57

Peachyclair, I think it's terrible the headmaster told the children that about the tsunami. No wonder you are upset. It's like the book/film Sophie's Choice....which was upsetting enough as an adult.
I wonder if each school has its own policy on this kind of thing. Does anyone know?

mandyc66 · 12/07/2005 20:02

maybe I am wrong..but i believe children have a right to know what is going on in the world however bad it is. But you have to remember their age and you know your child best so be sensitive! As we are now almost in the middle of what is going on I NEED to make my children aware but they are older

PeachyClair · 12/07/2005 20:03

I think he was upset, his friends were missing (they did survive though) as he came from that region. Perhapsd he shouldnt have been in school, but I dont think it was meant nastily. Sam doesnt go there any more though!

I think you're right about the questions but Sam asks very few due to Aspergers, he just internalises things and then six months later you find he has it all confused and has been having nightmares.

mandyc66 · 12/07/2005 20:07

then maybe you need to tell him basic facts. maybe there are some bad people but only a few doing nasty things but he is safe and mummy will look after him

PeachyClair · 12/07/2005 20:22

That is pretty much what I do, there a few bad men who put some bombs in places but it's all over now etc etc and the police will find and stop them (Sam likes the police)

FrenchGirl · 12/07/2005 20:43

DD (just turned 6) was told at school and they had an assembly to say a prayer. DH works in London and would have been on one of the tubes had he not decided to work form home that day. DD knew he was home that day, so was OK when they told the class the news. However it hit her later, when she was in the playground with her friends and I'm not sure why but she realised her daddy could have been hurt (or forgot he was home?) and burst into tears. Her friends came to comfort her and then her teacher. I don't mind her being told about it at school but I think it could have been handled with more care.
When she got home dh told her what had happened (terrorists are bad people who think they can get what they want by hurting others), and reassured her we were safe. She seems perfectly fine about it but I haven't let her watch any news.
I think how much you explain depends on your child, obviously. Better to tell them a bit than let them wonder why you're stressed out or worried IMO.

Tommy · 12/07/2005 20:44

My friend had the TV on and explained to her DD (who loves buses) that a naughty person had broken the bus and some people were hurt. DD (aged 3) asked if the bus driver was OK and my friend said yes he was but some other people were hurt. The Tony Blair came on the telly and DD asked if that was the bus driver....
I think she handled it well - I didn't put the TV on at all and my DSs are blissfully unaware - I think they are too young and since it doesn't affect them personally, don't think it's necessary to tell them. Obviously would be different if someone we knew was caught up in it.

AnnieSG · 13/07/2005 14:52

Noticed that there was an article on this subject in today's Guardian. It's on the parents page, G2 section (sorry, can't do a link!) It was by a mother whose child has to travel to school by tube. That really adds a whole new dimension to the dicussion, doesn't it?
Worth checking out.

Original poster
expatkat · 13/07/2005 15:10

Thanks for pointing that out, AnnieSG. Here's the link.

OP posts:
binkie · 13/07/2005 15:15

What a great little article. Non-sensationalist, practical and non-padded. Go Grauniad.

mandyc66 · 14/07/2005 11:35

bit worried as it seems my dd is worrying all the kids in her class! she denies it but one of the more sensitive girls mums mentioned it to me!!

Empress · 14/07/2005 14:40

told mine the truth, dont think theres any sense in hiding it from 6yo. and i;d much rather he heard it from me, & got the proper story, than heard bits from other kids, and wondered why mummy hadn't told him something important. much scarier to have other kids telling him about frightening men and bombs. we generally treat them like intelligent sensitive people they are.

FIMAC1 · 14/07/2005 14:54

Mandyc66

Don't know how much detail you went into with your children but after 9/11 we were recommended to not show any TV footage and only answer in very basic terms (no detail) to any questions they may ask - don't offer up extra info for instance, this was by a Child Psychologist - my two came through totally uscathed from 9/11 when I had a news blackout and went into very little detail on the subject and did not talk about it in front of them or about it unless asked (I didn't fare so well and sufferered with stress, but at least they were mainly oblious to the sheer horror of it all - they just did not need to know and I did not want them to know