are you a married lone parent?

[emkana]

interesting article in Guardian today

By the way Stitch, one of S. Mausharts main points, backed up by tons of refs, was that even when women go back to work full/t, men's contribution to the housework doesn't alter, in fact, some even do less. For my own part, since knowing DH I have worked full time, part time and (briefly) not at all. His contribution to home-running changed not a jot between those states - but I am making some headway with this book. If someone else is saying it, it seems to go down better.

My DH is quite vociferous about equality between the sexes - it's one of the things I found attractive about him. So, imagine my surprise......

I thought this article was really sloppily done, actually. It could have been one of those women's magazine articles where they make up the interviews - not much historical context (so what's new about the situation then?), and where's the man's point of view and/or justification for leaving so much up to the woman? Or even the view of women from different generations?

Naomi Wolf tackled this a lot better in Misconceptions.

I don't read this article as a slight on Single Parents or a bid to figure out who's the worst off...of course being alone with parents is harder BUT I think it's a valid observation.

I read this article as a tribute to the mothers out there who work their arses off all the time with no help from the husbands/partners...that's all. I think women like that should be applauded loudly by us all IF and only IF the DH/DP are actually contributing something to the children or giving the family some stability.

My Father was a workaholic and I grew up feeling very resentful about the fact that my Mum was cool with it and didn't recognise that we might actually like to spend time with him other than being told to hold our knives and forks properly at dinner. She is a great Mum and obviously thought she could compensate totally but when you're father lives with you but chooses not to spend any time at all with you it does lasting damage. I feel sorry for him now when I see him with DS and I know he realises his own mistake!

The observations are valid but I wanted it to be more challenging. I think men were let off the hook - why do they automatically assume their job is more important and they can let their partners make the sacrifices? I wanted to hear a justification! As for going off and playing golf at the weekends... outrageous. My DH wouldn't dream of doing that - generally we split the childcare and housework 50/50 if we're both at home. I do more washing but he does the washing up, etc.

I suspect they have no justification....my DP is the result of a single parent family and he's really very hands on and seems to recognise that we're in this together. The men I know who don't do anything (mainly colleagues) are just taking liberties and they know it!

I think you're right. Naomi Wolf does look at that issue of the 'deal' - the fact that many women (urged on by their biological clock) feel grateful that their partners have agreed to children in the first place which makes them take more on and ultimately allows men to get away with doing less. But although my DH would have been happy without children, he's accepted all responsibility now that we have one so that's still no excuse.

Interesting what different viewpoints have emerged from this article.

My DH and I don't fall into this category at all. I am a SAHM and my DH works fulltime AND is fully on duty for childcare and domestic tasks when he is at home. I just got lucky... but funnily enough, sometimes I feel like I have to fight to take back control of the kitchen Since becoming a SAHM I almost feel obliged to be the one who mostly works out what we're having for dinner and cooks it. I think my DH lived alone for 32 years and loved cooking and finds it natural to be involved in that. I actually fight to make it 50/50 or at least 30/70 (me doing the lesser portion) Perhaps I just feel like I should fulfil the sterotypical SAHM role and bake fresh cakes for my husband's arrival home from work. It's amazing how these desires for domestic control creep up on you subconsciously when they seem to be taken away. For my part, as a SAHM, I guess I need to feel like I have a role at least. Very strange. My DH sometimes makes it seem like he and DD could manage without me around!

Not that I am complaining. I appreciate his shared responsibility and since we communicate well so always work out any issues easily.

Still, there are some things which he doesn't do. Whilst he does hands-on childcare (read playing) very well, it is naturally assumed to be my role to learn and then teach him. i.e. I CANNOT get my DH to read a parenting book. I have to tell him what methods of discipline are appropriate to use at this age, it's my job to know when dd needs to go to pre-school and seek out the right place, my job to know how to sort out any sleep problems, to tell him what she can eat now.... that sort of thing.(Although it all lends weight to my justification for coming onto mumsnet

If DH looks after DD for the day, one things for sure, he won't think it important to brush her hair or wash her face before leaving the house - no matter how many times I remind him

Also, although my DH does a lot around the house - he's always quick to shout about it and make sure I know just how much he has done. I do a lot of 'unseen jobs', things which just need to be done, that he probably does not know exist as jobs and I manage to quietly get on with them.

I have two friends whose situations I find flabberghasting.

One works 4 days p/week and her DH is a SAHD to their two children. The 3 days when DW is home, DH is completely off-duty and uses this time to pursue his own interests. And she is happy with the arrangement, I think, because then she feels like the childcare is shared between the two of them. Even if the work isn't.

The other friend recently went back to work 3 days per week. She has a one year old. I saw her the other day and she told me she was thinking of getting a cleaner since she wasn't managing to clean the house on her two mid-week days off. When she was on maternity leave, she used to do a bit everyday.

I know full well her and her DH used to both do the housework pre-children. So now, that she's gone back to work part-time, DH has conveniently omitted to resume his cleaning duties. They only live in a small house. I'm sure that between the two of them it would not take much out of their weekend to clean the house.

OK - my rant over

I recognise a lot of that - yes, I do so many of those little things (read the childcare books, pay the childminder, work out how to apply to nursery school, organise doctor visits, and mm, tune the video). But those are the things I like, and I'm just a better planner and read manuals. Maybe most women are (isn't that fair to say?). I make sure the drudgery tasks are shared though, i.e. cleaning the toilet. If he volunteers to cook the weekend's meals I leave that up to him, but I make sure we discuss it so one of us can get the shopping done.

oh, and if dd is sick, the boiler breaks down or if we have to take holiday around the childminder, we use up our holiday allocation equally.

I wasn't complaining about doing those things MIL it just seems to be there are many 'unseen' jobs involved in running a family AS WELL as the drudgery of household chores.

I didn't think you were complaining! Sounds like you've got a very supportive partner who recognises the work you do. I'm also lucky that my DH did go part-time for a year to spend more time with dd and it has made him a bit more aware both of the organisational things I do (I'd often have to give him menus!) and the fact that it's hard to get anything else done when you're looking after a baby, i.e. housework, apart from cooking and clearing a path through the toys. I'm also surprised at the man who takes the weekend off but doesn't allow his wife the same luxury.

I meant to say that your partner is supportive at least in his actions - even if he doesn't notice some of the things you have done.

I read this article and whilst I found the contents quite interesting the title really annoyed me. As a "genuine" lone parent (who was previously in a marriage where I had to do most of the domestic work) the experiences are totally different. There is no-one to talk to, to give you a cuddle (even if it is only once or twice a week)or to really share your worries with. Friends are supportive but they have their own problems and lives and I am wary of ringing them up all the time. Everything rests on your shoulders, problems with the kids, financial problems and problems with the house. And I am one of the lucky ones, I have a reasonable job... This is not to say that I don't think some married guys should do more by the way.

I think if I was a lone parent I would probably be insulted by the "Married lone parent" tag line too.

Even for military wives, who spend months alone having to do everything involved with running a family home, there's still a weekly phonecall, emails, partner's leave to look forward to.

Having full 100% responsibility, 100% of the time, with no-one to call on for moral support is quite a different situation to the division of labour and outside home working hours of married couples.

I found it interesting that in S. Maushart's book (which is quoted extensively in the article) she says that when she split up from her children's father, her domestic workload became much less.

I think that most women do 'strike a deal' and the article was very good at explaining that - I think that in my group of friends, I am the only one who honestly feels like I'm not 'striking a deal' by doing the majority of the work (because we honestly share all the domestic work).

However, I do find myself wondering - if DP turned into a bastard - how much I would put up with before I left. And I'm afraid of what my honest answer is to that question.

I think that the phrase 'married lone parent' wasn't very well chosen, but I don't think that the article implies that a single parent and a married 'lone parent' are equated - it is just pointing out that in a married situation, the woman is often the only/lone parent.

I did find the domestic work load reduced somewhat. Not by a vast amount however. One positive thing is that the resentment goes, you don't expect anyone to do anything to help you, you know you are on your own so the position is clear. What I miss most is the moral support, the sense of being in a partnership where you can discuss things and plan for the future. Beattie - I take it your dh is in the military? That must be hard but as you said at least you have got the leave periods to look forward to!!

Well I'm a lone parent and I wasn't offended by the term, I thought it was quite a good description of the emotional "lone-ness" that lots of women in bad relationships feel. Of course it's different being a lone parent and knowing that you carry the can, but as Joanna3 says, at least you're carrying it without resentment when you're on your own. And tbh many lone parents were in relationships where they didn't get the moral support, the sense of being able to plan together, the partnership - in that emotional sense, not much has changed for me being a lone parent than when I was in a relationship, I always carried the full burden of being the only grown-up anyway.

Joanna - no, my DH is not in the military but my father was.