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Original poster

School accuses 8yo of discrimination because he fails to invite two boys to his party

47 replies

Freckle · 29/06/2008 08:00

here. So should the school have the right to intervene in this way if the invitations are handed out in school?? And on what basis is the child supposed to have discriminated?

OP posts:

foofi · 29/06/2008 08:05

Obviously this seems mad on one way, but one the other hand, I think if some one is obviously going to be left out, it is silly to give the invitations out at school - they could easily have been posted. Speaking as a parent of a child who has been excluded in this way, it IS incredibly hurtful.

gscrym · 29/06/2008 08:09

This could be me. I'm not in Sweden but I didn't invite 2 boys from DS's class to his party. Both have been horrible to ds all year and he didn't want them there. A few parents are glad they haven't been invited as the boys were disruptive and bullied children at other parties.

As I said on a previous thread, if the parents want to know why their boys aren't invited, I'll tell them. I want DS to enjoy his first proper party, not be upset because of these two.

SqueakyPop · 29/06/2008 08:14

At my kids' USA schools, giving out invitations at school is not allowed unless the whole class is included. If not, then they have to be distributed completely outside school, eg by post.

Ripeberry · 29/06/2008 10:28

At least it means there is less pressure to invite the whole class, just keep parties small for a couple of friends.
If you had the choice of inviting two special friends OR the whole class including the bullies...there is no contest.

pointydog · 29/06/2008 10:39

There is a good argument for not handing our invitations in school.

LittleBella · 29/06/2008 15:05

I think schools should not only not allow invitations at school, they should release an edict saying that parties aren't allowed either.

It would solve an awful lot of problems...

tortoiseSHELL · 29/06/2008 15:12

It's just silly isn't it. Of course they should be able to hand out invitations. Sometimes you'll get one, sometimes you won't. That's life. It's a good life lesson to learn - and part of a parent's job to teach it. If these situations are never allowed to arise, how do children learn about life?

I sometimes despair of modern society! Children aren't allowed to be left out, to compete in sports day (only in SATS results), and they grow up completely spoilt!

Seriously, isn't the correct thing to do in this situation to say to your child who hasn't been invited something like 'never mind, they can't invite everyone, another day it will be your turn to be invited.' And if they're really upset then say something like 'well, you must make sure that you remember it's sad to be left out, and make sure you are careful not to leave people out of games etc'.

If a child never experiences negative emotions, how will they ever develop empathy? And who wants their child to go to a birthday party, not because the child wants them to go, but because some rule says they mustn't be left out?

cocolepew · 29/06/2008 15:15

It's madness , Children have to learn they can't have, or go, to everything. It's not a right.

ChasingSquirrels · 29/06/2008 15:15

Completely ditto tS.

MaloryIsCrossWithJohnnie · 29/06/2008 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarsLady · 29/06/2008 15:20

Well said tortoise! Blimey... the amount of times I'd've been prosecuted. My DC are given a number of children that they are allowed to invite (as few as possible) and then they invite them. In Reception and Y6 they have whole class parties.

Sometimes my children get party invites, sometimes they don't. That's life. Get over it!

Blandmum · 29/06/2008 15:20

My kids accept that they can't be invited to all the parties....there are 49 kids in dd's year! I thought that this is the norm, they get invited to some, but not to others and they accept this with no problems.

They also know that I simply can't afford (and tbh don't want) to invite the whole of the year.

TinkerbellesMum · 29/06/2008 15:36

We had 3 x 33 classes in each year of my primary school classes, so quite a few of 99 children weren't invited to each party. I think it's wrong to force children to invite kids they're not friends with. I remember at school though how everyone knew each others birthdays. You could guarantee that even before February half term even my biggest bullies would suddenly be friends with me (my birthday is 4th March) so they'd get an invite.

alibubbles · 29/06/2008 15:42

I posted on another thread recently that the primary school my minded children attend have sent out a letter saying that invitations may only be given out if inviting the whole class, or all the girls or all the boys.

foofi, I can understand how you feel, but you can't invite everyone. When my DC's didn't get invited to every party and accepted it, likewise we didn't invite the whole class either.

I don't like this new fashion of inviting the whole class, some people just can't afford it.

Children have to accept that they can be everyone's friend all of the time. It might not seem fair, but the sooner they learn that life isn't fair the better.

alibubbles · 29/06/2008 15:43

ts, well posted, mine was a long time coming as I have been on the phone for ages!

SofiaAmes · 29/06/2008 15:44

I think that for the first few years (maybe until 8 or so), it's way too young to start teaching kids that life can be cruel. And as the mother of a child who was the only child left out of a birthday party of one of her best friends because the mother doesn't like me....I think it's just plain mean. Either invite them all or keep the invitations away from the school.

SofiaAmes · 29/06/2008 15:48

And what about the poor sn kids who never get invited. My ds happens to be friends with two autistic boys who pretty much only get invited to my ds and dd's birthday parties. They are both completely lovely children who are not in the least disruptive and have lovely parents who are interesting and well mannered. My ds actively chose to invite the boys, but maybe some lessons in tolerance and understanding for people who aren't as fortunate, would have been good from some of the other parents at the school.

And it really doesn't cost much to invite 40 kids instead of 20 to a party. A few extra crisps and some juice.... I have been to plenty of parties in small houses with lots of kids.

TinkerbellesMum · 29/06/2008 15:53

That's different, it's mean to not invite your children's best friends, but the class bully who makes their life hell?

My brother has Asperger's, he has far more friends and always had a better social life than me.

ChasingSquirrels · 29/06/2008 15:58

Personally, I would never consider inviting 20. We have small parties at home, 5/7 invitees. DS chooses who he is inviting. So some (most) of the class aren't invited. That's life.
On the other hand I think not inviting 1 or 2 out of a whole class is a bit mean.

unknownrebelbang · 29/06/2008 16:00

Ban all school parties!

TBH, whilst I generally agree with TS (and I remember DS1 being gutted the first time he wasn't invited to a party, but he got over it) I think there is a difference between only inviting some children out of the class (as happened with DS1), and leaving out just one or two.

DS3 was intentionally left out of one party in reception because the child's mother didn't like him, and it felt nasty.

Not sure you can legislate against nastiness though.

Greyriverside · 29/06/2008 16:04

It's insane. Why should you invite someone you don't like ffs.

Anyway, the payback for being nice to people is that you are more likely to get invited to things.

wannaBe · 29/06/2008 16:06

not being invited to a party isn't cruel though, unless you are the only one not being invited.

At 5 my ds doesn't get invited to everyone's party and by the same token not everyone gets invited to his. That's life. Not all parents can afford (or want to) have a whole class party. So why should they?

Not inviting one child out of a class of 30 is different of course, and of course that's cruel. But not inviting 20 out of 30 is just life.

I had 10 children at my house for ds' 5th birthday, and chances are I'll do similar for his 6th. Frankly the thought of being left in sole charge of 30 5/6 year old children (as most parents seem to adopt the drop and run approach) fills me with terror.

unknownrebelbang · 29/06/2008 16:09

greyriverside - her son was friends with my son. Why would an adult leave out a 4 year old when her son was friends with him, just because she didn't like him?

PeachyHidingInTheShed · 29/06/2008 16:11

can see from both sides- ds1 only one left out of parties (he can be a pita I know but we'd be there ) and its horrid; otoh ds3#s party is £10 a head and 28 would be ott(soft play place that can handle his sn). I dont know the parents as ds's class was changed a few weeks back, so relied on his 1-1 and she wasnt as subtle about it as i'd have liked.

Greyriverside · 29/06/2008 16:13

Well I was mostly thinking of the boy choosing not to invite certain people, but
given that it's her house the mum has a right too. When I invite people over I invite friends. It's never occured to me to pick people randomly or because they live near me etc. It's only about personal choice.

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