I'm so proud of my brother. He detects and arrests paedophiles. Wasn't sure where to put this, but this is always 'in the news, sadly.'

[bubble99]

He's a Met Police detective and hs job invoves monitoring chat-rooms etc.

The police moinitor chat rooms and trace men (usually, though not exclusively, some women 'procure') arranging 'meet-ups' with children.
He caouldn't discuss too much of the detail, but I am so proud of the job that he is doing. There can be no entrapment. Paedophiles are given enough rope to hang themselves and then busted when they try to meet up with who they think to be a child.

What I found really distressing is what these people buy, or are found to possess, on their way to meeting 'the child' to enable them to act out their sexual desires.

I am a regular who has changed name for this. I think what your brother does is brilliant. I am a survivor of child abuse. I am lucky I have a survived to have a wonderful family but an still haunted by my past. I look for abusers everywhere because I do not want my children to go through what I went through, to lose what I have lost. There is a book which I am about to order which was recommended quite sometime ago by someone on mn 'the right touch' it is designed to help your children not to become victims of child abuse. I am hoping that it will give me a little peace of mind. I dont believe that anything can take away the fear that I have for my children.

Nice to hear you are so proud bubble. My brother does similar work here in Oz. He is also a detective and investigates molestation cases and puts the case together for prosecution. Sees some terrible things but gets great satisfaction from a good "result".

My sister works for Social services as a family support worker, and has seen many children affected by abuse. She also has to work with Paedophiles, which she hates doing, but I am proud of her too.

Because my brother is also in this line of work, I am also really paranoid about this happening to my children. More often then not it is usually someone known to the child. I am vigilant and always stay with my kids etc but I am approaching it with education. I tell my kids it is not okay for anyone to touch their privates including mummy or daddy unless they are sore etc there and want us to check for them. And I constantly reassure them that they can tell me if anyone does touch them and I will ALWAYS believe them. I watched a fabulous Oprah show where she showed a group of paedophiles talking about targeting single mothers and grooming the children. They plays silly games where they brush their leg, then their bottom/chest area and look for the child's reaction. If they don't react they know they will probably get away with it. So I tell my kids if anyone accidently brushes them in any of these areas they are to say that they don't like that etc etc.

Can I express an opinion? I can't help thinking that the certain damage we are doing to our children by making them fearful and untrusting and by curtailing their freedom is far worse than the vanishingly small risk of serious damage at the hands of a paedophile. Yes , there are bad people in the world, but the vast majority of the people our children will meet are good, kind and have their best interests at heart. And I can't help thinking that teaching a child to object if an adult accidentally brushes against them is to is going to give that child an exaggerated view of the dangers of the world. Yes, children should be taught that it's OK for them to say NO to an adult, and it's OK to scream and run like hell if anything they don't like happens, and that NOBODY has the right to touch them inappropriately, but please don't frighten them or get the situation out of proportion.

curlew, my children do several clubs where I wait for them outside. I am aware that I am hypersensitive and try to compensate for this, I live in a world where I am exhausted from contantly pushing the boundaries, on what for others are things they do without a 2nd glance - ie allowing their child to play at a friends house (which I do), or going the the park, accepting compliments about their children ( whats the motive???). I look at the way the the other adults both men an women look the other children whether we are with friends, extended family or strangers. When you have spent years living in fear not know when 'person of trust' will come for you. Being afraid to go home when that person was in the house on their own. The anguish of not having a voice loud enough to tell anyone what was happening, all the time praying this terrible thing will stop. you wont dont think it is paranoid to try to protect your children for what some say for a small risk (one in seven children apparently). Try watching programme like police protecting children and then think about not try to subtly arm your children against these freak. I survived, but I feel a bit like an alcholic, its one day at a time grappling with my demon, not drink, but the fact an animal has got at my child. Abuse took any natural trust I may have had, not amount of counselling can give that trust back, it can help you come to terms with it, but just like alcoholism, for me it is always there. I am survior, I want more than that for my children- i want them to live in a world where they cant imagine what it is like going though that hell.

Haven't read the whole thread, but would like to tell you all about my experience as a child.

My uncle was seriously injured in a motorbike accident when he was 19 and was in wheelchair from then on. He lived with my Grandparents for over 20yrs. When my parents divorced I lived with my Grandparents on and off for a long time. My uncle had always been a bit 'lechy' towards me and my other female cousins but we just kept out of his way. When I was about 13 I was at my Grandparents with my older female cousin and we were messing around doing our hair and make-up in my bedroom. I didn'r know my uncle was already upsatirs and when I came out of the bathroom after a shower he grabbed me and forced me onto his lap. He was very strong and started touching me and trying to kiss me. I screamed for my cousin who straight away went and got my grandfather. The hardest of all of it was that even though my grandfather and cousin saw what he did the rest of the family didn't believe me and I was accused of telling tales.

He has since died from cancer and it was only after he died that two of my other cousins admitted he had touched them too.

It is something that I will never forget but have learnt to live with. It makes it easier knowing he is dead as I know he can't do anything else to anyone else.

It's not just the stangers you have to be wary of, trust your instincts as a Mother they are rarely wrong.

curlew it is most likely to be someone your child knows. It is hardly ever a complete stranger. I was 7 when my step-brother started to touch me and 14 when he stopped (he got married). He always told me no one would believe me. To this day I have not told anyone but my dh. So I feel that the best protection I can give my kids is to make sure they are confident enough to speak up. I don't push this on them we speak about it occasionally.

On the issue of 'being believed', in 1984 it took 12 adult contacts before something was done i.e police interview. By 2000 this had fallen to 3 adult contacts.

It would appear to be getting easier, and more of work coming my way is involved with 'historic' offences where the victims now feel sufficiently empowered. A case earlier this year went back 33 years - 1973.

Wow! So many posts. Thanks everyone for listening to my 'proud moment.' And thanks especially for the posts from those of you who have been so directly affected by child abuse.

hub. Fantastic post. Mr Bubble was nodding his head in agreement as he read it. As you know, we run a daycare nursery business and he is always on-site (in the office doing admin etc). He is always aware that some parents, when looking around the nursery with a view to signing-up, look at him with a 'who's the pervert?' expression. It gets him down, although, like you, he empathises.

I usually answer the door, as the kitchen (where I work) is closet to the front door and I make a point of introducing Mr Bubble as my husband and the father of Elijah, who attends the nursery.

I'd like to be able to pass on more of the info that I've got from my brother - but I'm wary as I wouldn't want to post any 'signs/patterns of behaviour that the police are looking for' tips in case they help anyone who is reading this, to avoid detection.

My FIL was asked recently not to take pictures of his grandsons in a hotel pool where we stayed recently. He was so hurt and confused. What a sad world we live in.

Pan1, I'm sorry if my post sounded flippant. My brother is well aware that it's the resources that often aren't there to adequately track released offenders. I don't think for one minute that he was doubting the will of those involved.

thanks bubb and a hallo to Mr bubb.

I could also add to my comments (that sexual abuse has rendered men in child-oriented environments like playgrounds / playgroups somewhat 'suspicious') the impact that this has in terms of excluding men from entering associated professions (Mr, bubb and NannyNick you are obviously exceptions and I appreciate there are lots of men in childcare). I imagine a fair number of blokes think 'working with kids might be quite fun / rewarding' but then decide not to follow through because of the chance of being perceived at being in nursery / pre-school etc. for the Wrong Reasons if you get my gist.

Re: photography - I was thinking that if I want to get into this more offically / professionally I'd self-submit an application for a Police Check once a year or whatever so customers / parents etc. would have some reassurance IYSWIM. This is somewhat sad and OTT but could be the best way to address these (potentially very valid) concerns.

Definitely. Mr Bubble finds it totally sexist...

In the same way that some (dinosaur) males may perceive business women sitting alone in hotel bars to be prostitutes.

Last week, Mr Bubble went to help in our Baby Room (I hate that term, BTW, it sounds so institutionalised) while our manager showed a prospective child/mother around the nursery.

For the record, Mr Bubble is police-checked and was also holding his own toddler.

The woman called later to book a place but asked the manager 'who the man in the Baby-Room was....?' and 'what kind of contact does he have with the children?

I can understand this, I suppose. But she would not have asked the same question if I had been there.

Interesting phone call, LOL, bubb.

The thing that's hard though (and actually quite interesting from a psychological viewpoint), is what do 'liberal' (liberated LOL) men think when they have experience of another man in a childcare environment... say it was Mr. Bubb checking out a creche at a hotel, or maybe considering a playgroup for one of the Bubble boys, and there was a man doing the baby changing...

I'm sure he'd know the guy had been police checked, was supervised etc. etc. etc. (I think I'm right in saying you need two people at a changing station - or is that rubbish ?), but I'm sure he would, momentarily think "oh. A bloke. I hope / presume he's OK" IYSWIM. It's like now it's our FIRST THOUGHT when, statistically this is highly highly unlikely to be a potential problem.

(With apologies to you Mr. Bubb if this kind of thought only occurs in heads like mine, LOL)

I am a regular with a name change.
You must be so proud
In my teens I was touched up by a friend of the family, I would occasionally babysit for him and his wife and when his wife went to bed, he would come in were I was sleeping and touch me up, i always pretended that I was asleep, so he would just slope off and go away. I stopped babysitting and made excuses that I was doing something else on the nights they asked, I felt a certain guilt not to tell my father as they were quite close and he had helped my parents through a bad patch. The relationship between him and my father broke down not long after that and I never asked why.I never told a soul, except my dh.
As you know years ago, there were no chatrooms and alot of this was done behind close doors iyswim and alot of abuse went unrecorded or followed up.I watch everything that my child does on the computer and I never let them in chatrooms. Send a big thanks to your bro for what he is doing

Thanks for letting me openup

Hey bubble99...

How are ya? I met a couple over the weekend who are looking a nurseries in Ham and mentioned Lambsmead. I said "oi. I know her" I told them you were into organic real food. And he put both thumbs up and smiled. So, do you have vacancies in Ham?

Sorry for the hijack, everyone.

some friends of ours have just seen the man (bil) get 10 years for raping their daughters dont want to go into detail but the last 6mths have been horrific for them, so we need more people like your brother......will you shake his hand for me...xx

openingup and laneydaye. XX and thanks. I will definitely let him know how you feel.

Mr Bubble has said that what happens is, as men are generally very direct, that he and a prospective father will look each other 'straight in the eye' and that is enough. They know that he's OK.

Most of our parents are not British and are not fazed by men being around children (unless they're Belgian?? )

pmsl / sputter at Belgian.

Ah, the old 'Bear Stare'.

Several years ago we visited a prospective nursery for DS1. The place was on a hiding to nothing anyway, as we soon found out, as it was a converted (small) house and our son would have spent most of his day, including mealtimes, in (what used to) be an average-sized bedroom, with seven other children.

What really alarmed us, however, was that the nursery owner had hired in a 'pre-school sports specialist' who was a man wearing very skimpy and tight shorts. He was alone in the 'toddler-room' when we visited throwing beanbags through a wall-mounted hoop in the name of 'sport.'

He initially, while we were there, came back into the room after having taking a 3 year old boy to the toilet. Not something we would let any of our nursery visitors do.

What freaked us out most, though, was that he wouldn't make any eye-contact with Mr Bubble when we were introduced to him.

Skimpy shorts and no eye contact... didn't pass the Bear test, eh...