Will he be missing out on playing with other children?

[bubbleymummy]

Ds1(4) is due to start school in sept. We've been looking at a few different ones and there is a little country one quite near to us that we are considering BUT I just don't feel 100% about it. I would like to home educate- even just try it for a few years while he's young but I keep getting the same 'socialisation' argument from dh and my mum. I have read a lot and have explained that ds can socialise with other home ed children or in after school groups but they both think he would be missing out by not being in school with other children. How do I get past this? Or should I (as dh suggests) try him in school and then take him out if it's not working. I think this may be more disruptive for him. Any advice/experiences appreciated. Tia

My take on it is that infant school can be lovely for a bright child with no difficulties.

I personally would be inclined to try him in
this stage and see how he goes.

If he hates it and he is bored, then if you take him out you have one grateful little boy who understands the issues and choices involved. School will be a reality to him and not being in it will be a choice, not just something that has happened to him without any experience of both sides of the coin.

Family will I imagine, be alot more supportive of you if you are talking about facts "he hates it"...than about just not wanting him to go because he 'might' get bored and hate it.

Which would make your life a lot, lot easier, and there's nothing wrong with that in my book.

I am totally supportive of home ed and in fact would love to do it with my boy but, unless there were severe and profound SN which made it clear school was going to be hell, I would send a child in the first instance. There is lots that is lovely in the Infant years at school.

I was talking about England and I don't think there would be a problem. My DH is an August birthday and could do all that your DS's age, he was fine at primary school-it just meant that he got a full scholarship to a selective private school at 11. My friend's DD was also very advanced and was put up a year at the end of year2 and then went to secondary school a year early and university a year early. I can't speak for NI, but I would have thought that if he was exceptionally bright and self motivated that side isn't a problem and socialising with his own age group is more important.
If you can do what nickschick's DC does and work at home and then go and socialise with all the school DC's at 3.30pm -then you have the best of both worlds.I think that socialisation is very important at 4yrs.

knat, thank you for sharing your experience.

PL: he hasn't been to nursery school. He definitely wasn't ready last September and imo he's still not entirely ready which is prob one of the reasons why I'm having doubts about school in sept. I run my own business part time from home so there was no real need for him to go and we have the flexibility to get out and about and meet up with other mums and children anyway. He does enjoy playing with other children so I do think he would enjoy that part of school although he really doesn't like lots of noise and lots of children at the same time so that may be a bit hard for him. (knat, that stood out for me in your post)

Both DH and I have been through school and we've heard plenty from other family members, young cousins etc so I do think we have a good idea of what school is like. Perhaps the schools in your areas have better funding/resources. The schools we have in our area are small country schools where the Head/Deputy Head double up as teachers and in one of the schools some of the classes are doubled up. They have been very open and honest with us about the resources that they have available and obviously they have to put the children with SEN ahead (which I of course have no objection to!) so it could very well be a case of DS being left to himself to maybe read on ahead or do additional worksheets or whatever. Of course this will not damage him in any way and I'm sure he will get through fine. It just seems like a bit of a missed opportunity when he is at this 'sponge-like' stage and is absorbing things really easily and really enjoying learning. Why put him in a situation where that could be restricted because of resource limitations? I know he could do additional things at home with us after school but then what was the point of wasting 5 hours+ a day in school if he has to come home to do things he is actually interested in?

The GPs aren't keen on the HE idea purely from the "he'll be lonely at home" pov but I don't plan to be at home all day every day DH actually does appreciate the benefits of HE and isn't entirely against it. (we've been discussing it in more detail) He just thinks there's no real need because DS could just go to school and that would give me more free time to do things for me. I appreciate that HE is time consuming but I have a younger DS (age 1) as well so not having older DS for a few hours Mon-Fri isn't exactly going to free me from all my other motherly duties! He also still worries about the 'socialising' aspect and that meet-ups outside the school environment will be different - but I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing - just different to what we have been brought up with.

At this stage, yes, maybe I can see the benefits of HE more than DS would (so technically it could be said to be more for me) but as parents, we often have to make choices for our children that we feel are 'for the best' but wouldn't necessarily be what they would choose. I am not saying I will never send him to school just not right now.

SSW, I actually think it would be more disruptive to send him and then take him out if we saw it having a negative impact on him especially if it was something he wasn't overly aware of. He may just feel like we're taking him away from his friends then! I know there are lots of lovely things in the early years but are these only possible within a school environment? I'm sure a lot of current HErs would argue that they are not Also, is having SN or your child hating school the only reasons to HE? I would actually love to hear more from other families who HE, not because of school failing their child(or them in the past) in some way but just because they thought it would be the best thing for their child/family.

piscesmoon, my husband and I were able to read/write etc when we started school too but from speaking to the teachers at the schools we have looked at this seems to be unusual now. Maybe just in our area? Although tbh we have a few friends/family members who are teachers/ta and they have said how unusual it is as well. Some of the children have some knowledge of numeracy and literacy and some don't have any. I think they start from scratch at the school so everyone is working from the same level which I can understand from a teaching pov but not from the pov of a child who is already v familiar with it. I don't think it is that common for children to be put up a year either. (or get scholarships to private schools for that matter! a shame really! Although there aren't too many in NI anyway) I totally agree that socialising is very important and DS loves it - I just didn't think that school was the only way to do this. I just wanted to hear some reassuring posts from other HErs that their child(ren) weren't lonely or missing out.

I think our current plan of action is to attend the two introductory days at the schools in June and attend the local HE meet-up in May (and maybe June as well) and see how he reacts in the different environments and ask him what he likes. It may make me feel more comfortable too especially if he looks happy in his surroundings.

You seem to have the best plan. If you are in a rural area it may well be different-parents tend to be high achievers in my area and they expect their DCs to be the same.

I worry about this too, as my daughter is an only child. We also live in the country, and I don't drive, so I doubt there will be many home edders, around that we could meet up with. We'd have to do plenty of after school clubs.

bubbleymummy wrote:

Also, is having SN or your child hating school the only reasons to HE? I would actually love
to hear more from other families who HE, not because of school failing their child(or them
in the past) in some way but just because they thought it would be the best thing for
their child/family.

This is quite long and some people may find it objectionable, but you did ask.

I was successful at school (leaving in 1981 to do computing at university). However, it was largely a waste of time academically and not much cop socially, although I was not bullied and did not have specific bad experiences. I heard about EO in 1981 and filed it away as a good thing to know about. Ten years later, when I gave birth, I knew that EHE was the way we were going to go.

We got involved with local EHE groups when DD was about 4 (DS was 2 - they are now 18 and 16 in August) and also went to toddler groups and childminder drop-ins. In fact, DD used to tell people that she was a childminder... She did not go to school but did a dance class from 3 and joined Girls' Brigade at 5. She did one term at school in Y5 by her own choice (to see what it was like) and also attended school when on exchange in Switzerland and Germany at 13-14. DS has never been to school. Neither have done GCSEs - we have used the Open University instead. DD has a conditional offer to study a dual English--German law degree from October - a course that has only 15 places and is very highly regarded. I say that to reassure people who might worry that EHE children miss out academically.

EHE allowed us to get very involved in the things we were interested in. When they were small children (from about 3), we made all our Christmas presents and cards - that takes WEEKS! (We dyed things, did fabric painting, made wooden items, etc. - Opitec was my best friend.) We also did a lot of cooking, music and outdoor stuff. I read huge quantities. DD got a set of the 7 Narnia books at 5 and both of them sat and listened as I read them. We did no reading, writing or counting unless we needed it for something - or we were watching schools TV - or we were doing a BBC kids magazine...

A random, off-the-cuff selection of things we've done:

• seeing the eclipse in 1999 in the garden and the transit of Venus in the telescope at Marlborough College
• camping (generally and HESFes several times), walking, cycling, swimming, trampolining, gymnastics
• weaving and lots of other crafts
• Russian, German and now French (plus a little Japanese)
• computer animation
• electronics and robotics, going to international competitions in NL and Japan (and winning a place in Istanbul this year but not going because of the eruption in Iceland)
• music (violin, singing, guitar, alto sax), individually and in groups
• youth organisations (Brigades, St John, church groups)
• drama
• visited parliament several times and taken part in EHE demonstrations

Some of our activities have been with other EHEers, some with school-attending children and some just ourselves. Our lives have certainly not been the poorer for not including school. I think that they are richer and I am positive that our relationships are better than they would have been if school were in the mix.

On Thursday, we all went to visit the university for DD and we have all been involved in helping her to achieve it. For example, we negotiate chores as equals to free time for whoever has more work (I work from home and both DS and DD are taking OU courses). EHE teens are not continually taught that parents and other adults are uncool and to be ignored. Many EHE parents do not seem to experience the problems that are an expected part of our culture - but then we are not constantly having to battle against our teens to make them to submit to school, however inappropriate. We can treat them as individuals and expect them to behave in a similar way to our adult friends - and they expect to be listened to on an equal footing.

Had I my time again, I still would not use schools. For me, the main goal of parenting was to raise people that I would want to spend time with when they become adults. Education is something that you have to work really hard to stop happening. Your DS is passionately interested in the world and has been educating himself naturally and intensively since birth. Why would you want to interfere with that process to achieve someone else's agenda?

I can see that it has worked well for you SDeuchars but my youngest is now 18 and we have achieved all the above with school. I have 3 DSs that I want to spend time with as adults and they come home through choice because they enjoy spending time with us. They used education to their own agenda. I didn't have to battle to make them submit to school-they enjoyed it and found it stimulating. They were treated as individuals by us and the school and we certainly expect them to behave in a similar way to our adult friends. They have always been listened to on an equal footing. Their friends all have good relationships with their parents and are not taught that they and other adults are uncool!
The above has nothing to do with whether they spend time in school or not and everything to do with how you, as parents, bring them up.
By all means, people should HE if it suits their situation but they should realise that sending your DC to school for 6 hours a day, with 2 whole days a week off and at least 12 weeks when they don't go at all-isn't handing over parenting, or even education, to others. The home is the greater influence.

I think you have the right idea with going to the introductory days and a HE meet up. I think the social side is not an issue. THere's plenty to do where your son will meet up with other children be they younger or older and plenty of adults. Socialisation isn't just about itneracting with people the same age (at the end of the day how many of us do that when we go out to work?) I have met a few people since doing HE who have decided on it, having never sent their children to school; they just see it as an education that perhaps is more whole and the child doesn't have to learn certain topics (especially if they're not interested in it - after all is it important they learn about the Tudors for example , isn't it more important that they have a sense of history which can be demonstrated in other ways which may have more interst and therefore meaning to the child). IT doesn't mean that they don't have discipline to do things they don't want to - it just means you can develop their learning, social or otherwise, in a way that benefits that child and the way that child can get the most out of it. Hope your decision becomes clearer.

Thank you everyone. DH and I are still discussing it. It's amazing how many times I can find a way to introduce it into the conversation! I really don't think he is against HE as such - he has read a lot of points on different threads and I does agree with a lot of what you have all written. I think he just worries that it won't be right for us as a family and that it will put too much pressure on me. He is worried that I will be sacrificing any opportunity to do things for myself (I have considered going back to uni to do another masters and a phd) but I don't think we will know until we try it ourselves. Maybe in a few years there will be an opportunity for me to do things for myself again but right now I want what is best for my boys.

Has anyone regretted their decision to HE because it has taken away opportunities for them to do things for themselves? Have any of you managed to do any other qualifications/jobs alongside HE?

I work 2 days a week bubbleymummy and combine work with home ed very happily. My DH works 'compressed hours' so is at home for one day and we have a nanny for the other day. Sometimes I can feel as if there are not enough hours in the day but mostly things are fine and I enjoy both my HE and my job.

It also keeps my hand in at work, which means that if I decide to increase my hours when I finish home edding my DCs, it is a lot easier to do than if I had taken a complete break.

Maybe the idea is to have a time scale on how long you will do it for. My SIL doesn't regret the early years of doing it but 10 yrs or so on she would like a change and she wants to do things for herself. If you are unsure of how you will feel in 5, 8 ,12 or so years I would make it clear to your DC from the start that it is 'for the moment' and that he might go when older. Make sure that he has a good mix of friends, schooled and HE ones so that school isn't a strange concept and you keep your options open.

@piscesmoon:

we have achieved all the above with school. ... The above has nothing to do with whether
they spend time in school or not

I am glad that school has worked out for you and your DC. I did not intend to suggest that these things were only possible through home ed. However, the OP asked about DC missing out on things and I was replying to say that EHE does not make for a less-rich life than school.

Certainly HE doesn't make for a less rich life than school-but it doesn't make for a richer one either.
How the DC turns out has everything to do with parenting-how they are educated is irrelevant.