would you HE if your child was happy at school?

[thisisyesterday]

When we were registering ds1 for reception we talked about HE, but decided that school might be best and that we'd give it a go.
I was apprehensive and absolutely decided that if ds1 didn't like school then he'd be out and HE immediately.

So, he started in September. we've had some blips with his behaviour there, but his teacher said that she thinks he's settled now, seems happy in class and I think he seems happy there too. He has made friends etc etc

But I have this gut feeling that I want to HE him.
I strongly believe in a mothers instinct, and that if that is shouting at you to do something then perhaps you should listen.
However, I had a truly horrid time at school, and I am worried that that is skewing my thoughts. maybe I want to HE because my school was shit- not because I think it would be best for him??

I hate being tied in by school times, I hate uniform, I hate the reward charts etc etc
But there are also things I like. ds1's teacher right now seems very nice, he likes her and the TA, they're doing a good job of helping to teach him to stay calmer and use words instead of screaming at people (something I struggle with), and of course there is the social aspect.

I think the social side of it worries me most. I am not sociable. I find it incredibly hard to get out and do things and go to groups. I've just googled and there is no local HE group here either, i'd have to travel quite far, and tbh i don't want to be driving for miles and miles... we moved to this house so that we could walk to school.

so many things to think about. I don't know what I want people to say really, but i'm just trying to get all these issues clear in my head and decide what to do for the best.

oh, and I also have a 2yr old and a 6 month old to throw into the mix..... anyone else HE with several kids??

I don't HE but it seems to me that one of the major issues with it can be socialising.

Even the most ardent H-Edders on MN seem to agree that this can be an issue; what I mean is, an effort is needed, going out on HE group events etc.

But tiy, you say you are not social and there is no HE group locally. That alone would give me pause in yr situation. I know my DC woul dsooo miss their mates if they weren't at school - and you can't IMO get the same effect from inviting them over to play.

Why not get more involved with the school? Get someone to have the others for a couple of hours and go in and volunteer. Schools are improving and going back to topic based learning. I think you would be pleasantly surprised if you had a closer look.

clary, yep, that is probably the main issue that made us go for school in the first place.

this is really useful, thank you all for your thoughts it is (slowly) helping me clear my head!

Yes I meant to say as piscesmoon says, you might be surprised.

My experience of FS2 (it has been more than usual this week as I have been a relief TA) is that it is very much topic-based and while they do specific subjects in theory, in practice they can be doing aything that grabs their attention.

I guess this happens less as you progress up the school but it is perhaps not as rigid as you fear.

Everything in your opening post points to the fact that he is better off at school. You like his teacher, he likes her they are helping teach him stuff you struggle with, he's happy, he's got friends, you are not very sociable and find it hard to get out and do things and go to groups. Your reason for considering HE is based on a gut instinct most probably influenced by the fact that you yourself had a truly horrid time at school.

That is sound common sense, LillianGish,-summed up beautifully-I don't think anyone could add to it.

Thisisyesterday are there any HE groups near you that you could go to? Maybe get a feel of things from there. I'd advise going to a couple of different ones if possible as different groups can have a different 'feel'. You might find that talking to people will help you decide one way or another. I know that you have said you are not particularly sociable but I've found that all the home-educators that I have met are very welcoming so that might help.
Even if you decide to leave him in school, you will be more knowledgeable about your options. And if a time did come where you felt he would be better off out of school then you would already know what was available rather than looking for things in a hurry.
Just make enquiries locally and find out what's available and how other local home-educators make it work.
You might find that you and yours would be fine with the support of other home-educators or you might decide that it's definitely not for you.

Have just re-read that you don't have a local group and you don't want to travel so ignore my previous post.

I'm very pro HE (despite being a teacher), but I'd leave him where he is for now. Childhood is long, you don't just have this year to do it, and if he's happy, he might resent it. My eldest was being bullied badly in Y5, but flatly refused to be HE, saying it would be boring and she would miss her friends. I thought HE would be better for her, but she would have resented me for a very long time had I pulled her out of a place where, quite frankly, she wasn't even happy, but where she had her friends. Then her younger sister, a year later, suddenly realising it was an option, decided to give it a try. A year after that my eldest realised that little sis was actually getting a brilliant deal out of life and decided she really, really did want to be HE after all. Now we've been HEing for 2 and a half years and both girls are happier than they've ever been.

Would I have insisted they come out of school earlier, knowing how much HE is suiting them now? Probably not. If I had another child I might well never send them to school in the first place, but having sent them, I think the drive to come out needs to be led by something more than just a feeling on your part. Your son is happy now, leave him be. Once you start looking at secondary or junior school, he might feel differently. Maybe decide not to send the younger ones - then you won't have this dilemma with them and DS1 can join them at any time.

LilianGish, i take issue with several parts of your post, i think we'll have to agree to disagree

yes, he is happy at school. but that doesn't mean he wouldn't be happy(ier) at home does it?

my reason for considering HE is NOT just based on gut instinct, i've listed our main reasons for wanting to HE- mine and my partners. and i've said several times that i certainly don't want to do it JUST because I had a bad time at school- i was concerned that the strength of my feelings was being skewed by my time at school, but i've never said that i only want to HE because I had a bad time and I presume he will, because that just isn't true.

Your posts implies that school is the pinnacle, and we should only consider HE if a child is unhappy in school. That school is what is "best" and that HE is a second choice if school doesn't go well. I don't view it like that at all- many HE kids might be happy at school- does that mean they shouldn't be home educated??

and yes, i struggle to be sociable, i find it hard getting out and doing stuff. BUT I DO IT.
I am happy to admit that it is my biggest worry with regard to HE, and if everyone came on and said "ooooh, no, you need to be really sociable and go to loads of groups all the time" then yes, that would impact my decision. and if i still decided to HE then I would accept that I need to make a huge effort to get out to groups and all the rest

and again, i would never just take him out of school. as you say, musicposy, he might resent it.

it would always be a decision that we discussed with him first and if he wanted to stay at school then that would be absolutely fine.

I think as long as you make him central and go withhis feelings, rather than yours, you can't go wrong. If you do decide to ask him I would get a neutral person to broach it-DCs like to please the parent and can read a lot that it unsaid-someone who isn't emotionally involved could get an honest answer.

yes, that's a good idea. although I am reading all of this thoroughly, and I have decided to leave him where he is for the time being at least.
I will quash my mother's instinct on this one, for the moment lol

i think i find it hard because he never really opens up much about stuff. SO, although I say he is happy there, i really mean he isn't obviously unhappy. He isn't enthusiastic about going, and we often get "i don't want to go to school", but he goes without a fuss and he always joins a friend to play when he gets there.
he is the type to just bottle stuff up though, so I suppose I am worried that if anything was bothering him it would be ages before I found out.

But we'll cross that bridge if we come to it.
it's been useful to see all your views though and it's helped to just "talk" it through and kind of look at all the different aspects of it

Actually I don't think school is the pinnacle - it depends on the school. You say you moved to your current house to be near the the school it sounds as if your son is doing well there so I imagine it is a good one. And I do think you would have to be fairly sociable to HE - your son will be dependent on you for his social life if you take him out of school. Not only that, but you will have to drive miles and miles for this enforced socialising presumably with a toddler and a baby in tow. You say you hate being tied in by school times, but I think HE is a much greater tie and responsibility then strolling down the road to deliver him and collect him from school - with no requirement to chat and socialise with anyone if you don't want to.

DCs pick up on so much that the parent doesn't say-I am not saying that I am correct, because I don't know your DS-but have you thought that he senses that you don't like school and he feels disloyal to say it is wonderful? For example if you make it clear that you don't like rewards then it is impossible for him to come home and tell you that he is pleased to have got one.

i don't think so pisces, cos he is like it with everything. even when he has spent the day with grandma (his favourite thing ever) he just won't ever tell me anything about it.

we don't do rewards/punishments at home, but i don't think i've ever talked to him about them really. he does come home and tell me he has had stickers sometimes
in fact, when i asked him what he did and didn't like about school he said his sticker chart was his favourite thing

If he loves being with grandma I would get her to just chat about school in a general way and see whether he is really happy or not.

I think what you say about yourself as not very social might be worth thinking about. IMO HE can be at least as socialising an experience as school (if not more so), but it does depend on the setup- which is very much to say on the individual family.

My Mum was very like this, in fact she was scared of people though she tried hard not to show it, and looking back on my own childhood, though I wasn't desperately enamoured of school, I think that is where I learnt a lot of the people skills that meant I could then go on and enjoy university and work life. If I'd had to rely on my mother to teach me those skills, frankly I'd have had to wait a long time.

I would have had an excellent academic education no doubt, but would have found it difficult to make use of it in the outside world. As it was, I had the best of both worlds: my Mum still contributed greatly to my education, by talking to me and teaching me and keeping me excited about learning, but school taught me other things.

I have had the same experience as yourself in that I haven't always agreed with the school's methods (don't like uniform, never used reward charts, come from a different culture anyway so have different views of childrearing), but tbh I haven't found it too much of a problem.

To me, growing up means constantly being confronted with the fact that different people do things differently- whether you go to school or stay the night with grandma or have tea at a friend's house or whatever (Mrs X says pink socks look sloppy, Jasmin's family have jam sandwiches for tea). Sometimes they may know that I don't necessarily agree with the teacher's ideas, but they will also hopefully know that I expect them to be corteous and tolerant of other people whether they agree or not. They won't always agree with my ideas either, but hopefully by that time they will have practised courtesy and tolerance for long enough to be able to practise it on me too...

To me, the huge benefit is that they get to do things in a way that wouldn't be the one I chose iyswim. To learn that my way is not the only way. Because I loom pretty large in their lives anyway. And I have found later in life what a huge effort it has been to wrench myself away and allow myself to think differently from my own highly intelligent, amusing, stimulating, very good, very caring mother; wonderful as she has been, I really didn't her to be a stronger influence in my life than she already is- and I suspect my dd might say the same of me.