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DS Wanted to go to school but now he isn't sure...Advice greatfully received.

40 replies

Doobydoo · 20/08/2008 20:16

Ds[nearly 9]has said he would like to go to school.We visited the school twice and he had a good time.Now he is not sure he wants to go.
He has been before,once in the Uk for 10 months,then we moved to Ireland and once in Ireland for 2 terms a couple of years ago.
He would like to make more friends...but now dp will be around more he will be able to get out and about more.I just wondered if you haveany tips on how to guide him to make a decision.School starts 1st Sept.He has been home edded for the last 2 or so years and for a year before that,between schools.Dp and I have said we will support his choice and said that he knows basically what school is like.
Hope this isn't too garbled!

OP posts:
AbbeyA · 23/08/2008 15:54

Good luck-I hope it all goes well.

chapstickchick · 23/08/2008 16:22

ill bet now he changes his mind before back to school starts .

are u ok?? do u feel a bit sad? (i did)

AbbeyA · 23/08/2008 17:31

I think it is a bit like getting into a cold swimming pool! You suspect it might be great when in but you are not sure. The best way is to suddenly take the plunge, rather than prolonging the agony by taking a step at a time. Like a swimming pool, you always get out!

onwardandupward · 23/08/2008 18:01

I disagree, actually.

Not referring to the OP or to the OPs son, since I don't know them and I certainly don't know the pros and cons and the family dynamic in question, and would not presume to preach to them.

However, there are some interesting ideas about the decision-making process inherent in that post, AbbeyA, and ones which assume there is one best way of proceeding - the "take the plunge" solution.

There are those who make a decision, have a moment's pause about it, and then yes! Take that dive into the icy water! Quickly adjust and find they were happy to have done it that way.

But here are some others, which are equally valid:

There are those who make a decision, have a moment's pause about it, and find that actually they want to play with the idea of how the next few minutes/hours/weeks might feel if they really do follow through on this decision. They actually haven't made their final decision, they've stated a preference. But by presenting it as a decision to themselves, and perhaps to others, they are trying it on for size mentally. They may actually then decide that diving into the swimming pool isn't what they want to do at all, and head off for a jacuzzi instead. And, in swimming pool scenarios (and, dare I say it, going to school decisions), noone is hurt or more than momentarily inconvenienced by such vacillations. In fact, with a difficult decision to make, I often advise people to throw a coin. Heads means yes, tails means no. Then live as if the coin actually made the decision for a little while (seconds, minutes, hours) and see what your gut tells you. If you have that sinking feeling, your gut is telling you the coin chose wrong [disclaimer: I do not believe that coins can really make life decisions for us]

Or here's another one: someone thinks they want to go in the swimming pool, but actually what they want is to ease in very slowly without ever having that shock. They sit on the side for a while and dabble their toes. They stand on the steps and get in as far as their knees, and then maybe up to their thighs and, well, we don't need to go through every portion of the anatomy. No agony, just gentle gradual immersion.

Now, saying "the best way is to suddenly take the plunge!" is assuming that there is only one way of making certain kinds ofdecision - short and sharp and irreversible (because however much you can climb out of the swimming pool if you didn't like it, the net result is that you are cold and a little shocked by the sudden temperature shift - I mean, physically shocked). And that is indeed the case in a speeding truck scenario. You get off the road plenty quick. But getting into a swimming pool, or deciding whether to go to school or not - actually, there is no stopwatch. Maybe a person is a take-the-plunge person. But if they aren't, and they don't have to be in a particular scenario, what is the value of endorsing the take-the-plunge approach?

powpow · 23/08/2008 18:01

"Powpow, is this a different argument?
It is not really in the mumsnet spirit to hijack a thread, powpow, and bring in an argument from a different thread. I was reading the thread with interest, and abbeyA was very helpful here, until you torpedoed the thread with your grievances against her. Not good form at all.

Keep it in the thread it belongs."

you are right and i do apologize for derailing (as i already have).
but i feel i had to say something as AbbeyA was once again telling people i didn't listen to my child - on a different thread i might add.
i didn't bring the issue up in this thread originally and have nothing left to say.

Doobydoo · 23/08/2008 18:53

I don't feel sad.I just hope it lives up to his expectations[they are high].We feel he is old enough and has the where withall to take things in his stride and also to be able to decide if school is for him.We have decided to all enter this in a positive frame of mind and see what happens.

OP posts:
chapstickchick · 23/08/2008 18:59

I don't feel sad.I just hope it lives up to his expectations[they are high].We feel he is old enough and has the where withall to take things in his stride and also to be able to decide if school is for him.We have decided to all enter this in a positive frame of mind and see what happens.

doobs when our ds2 returned to school he loved it and has never had any problems settling back in -in fact he says i was a much stricter teacher - fingers crossed your ds has a happy return too i think your approach was ideal .....let me know how he settles as id be keen to know x

Doobydoo · 23/08/2008 19:13

to your ds2 Chapstick.Thanks for that.Will let you know how he goes.I just need to find a non itchy Maroon jumper now.

OP posts:
chapstickchick · 23/08/2008 19:19

ohhh yes uniform time lol

AbbeyA · 23/08/2008 19:56

I have just read your post onwardandupward, it is my personal opinion.
I am the person who dabbles their toes and takes it slowly so I always envy the dive straight in people who seems to me to have the better approach! Having just been sea bathing, the slow method was agony-luckily I was forced in by a huge wave and it was lovely once I got over the shock!
In this case it is either do it in September or later;conditions ,in my opinion,would seem better in September.
Anyway the DS in question appears to have made the decision which is the real difficult part.

Doobydoo · 04/09/2008 22:25

Hi Again
It was ds1's 4th day at school today,He had seemed happy for a few days but was subdued today.It transpires that a girl in an older class has been pushing him and trying to kick him when the teacher[also headmistress]is outside the room on her mobile.He has bruises all up his arms from making defensive moves.She pushed him so hard today he fell and hit his head and the side of his face on his desk.

OP posts:
milou2 · 05/09/2008 08:00

How is your son's head and face this morning?

Will you take him to the doctor to
day? Then it can be a day off due to an injury caused by this girl in year x, all in writing for the head to act on.

FWIW my ds has had 3 days back in, after some HE time. This is the first 'return' I have observed, but so far so good basically for him.

Has your son met any kindred spirits yet who he could keep up with if he doesn't stay at this school longterm?

AbbeyA · 05/09/2008 15:07

I should go straight into school and take it up with the Head. It isn't something that he should be expected to put up with, it needs nipping in the bud.

onwardandupward · 05/09/2008 15:16

(((((Doobydoo)))))

How is he doing?

Doobydoo · 05/09/2008 16:18

I spoke to the head this morning and told her what ds1 had said.I also said I know there are 2 sides to a story.Have to be very careful as extremely close knit community and don't want to start a feud.Can't go into loads of detail as trying to cook tea.But am not entirely happy with her response and even less so now ds1 is home an has told me how it was dealt with today.
Ds1 is quite feisty if he is being picked on he will stand up for himself and others.He has been to school before and we have never encountered this.He is covered in bruises.Some from falling over but the arm ones are from when he lifts them up to defend himself.
We are extremely upset TBH.

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