Page 2 | Should I send him back to school ?

Mumtoboys1 · 2024-01-24T21:34:48+00:00

I have a 9 y.o with ASD who was really struggling and it was a no brainer really to take him out and he was thriving since. We also have a 7 y.o who we decided to take out this school year in sept and everything has gone downhill since. Sibling rivalry is a constant but it's one step further with 9y.o being autistic and needing space ect and now he doesn't get a minute because his brother is always there. 9yo is quite reserved and likes to chill whereas 7yo is full of energy and tbh can be quite overbearing sensory wise for anyone. Everyday is a battle and I miss it when it was just my eldest at home, we would go out all the time and he was happy, it's hard for me to take them both out alone as 9yo will often run away when overwhelmed and 7yo ALWAYS triggers him. I was hoping the experience would bring them closer but it's not happened. Have tried endless times to explain autism to youngest but nothing seems to go through.

WinterExclusive · 26/01/2024 12:16

I think you need to actually exert some control over the situation. I home ed my two, an autistic child and their younger sibling and neither would be allowed to behave in such a manner where they were causing distress to the other like this.

Having said that, it does sound like your youngest child is under stimulated - have you asked him if he wants to go back to school?! Both of my children are asked regularly and know they could try school at any point - both are enjoying their home ed experiences and are thriving with their individual approaches to education. And yes, maybe separating them as much as possible until they enjoy, and benefit from their interaction is a good idea - it sounds as though allowing older child to learn regulation in his own time; and provide younger DC with school to fulfill that social need might be a good idea.

Sherrystrull · 26/01/2024 12:50

Send your youngest to school. It sounds better for everyone.

BoohooWoohoo · 26/01/2024 12:52

Sounds like the 7 year old should be back at school so he gets the social interaction that his brother can’t provide.
I think that you’re unreasonable to assume a 7yo would understand autism and have the self control to interact differently compared to the NT people in his life.

Original poster

Mumtoboys1 · 26/01/2024 21:49

Youngest does not want to go to school. We took him out one of the reasons was we believed his behaviour was being influenced by other pupils but now he's been out for months and nothings changed. He does crave social Interaction but on his terms, this is when he started to lose friends as he didn't see them as friends anymore if they didn't do what he wanted and also they didn't want to be friends with him because he was controlling and like i said can be quite nasty. I do agree with comments saying to have more control over the situation when it comes to his behaviour it is like my eldest is being bullied, but to what extent? Do I not take him out with me if he cannot behave ? He literally doesn't listen and does the opposite alot of the time and I spend so much of my time correcting behaviour it's exhausting.

OP posts:

TeatimeBiscuits · 26/01/2024 21:54

All your posts about your youngest are extremely negative, it is sad to read. He is only 7! Having trouble with friendships at this age is very normal and I don’t think the solution is to remove him completely.

it sounds like the dynamic is building up that you and your eldest both resent the younger one - this is something you should avoid. I would send him back to school asap

MBappse · 26/01/2024 22:00

Is your youngest also autistic?

I agree with PPs saying you speak negatively about him.

PeoniesLilac · 26/01/2024 22:00

TeatimeBiscuits · 26/01/2024 21:54

All your posts about your youngest are extremely negative, it is sad to read. He is only 7! Having trouble with friendships at this age is very normal and I don’t think the solution is to remove him completely.

it sounds like the dynamic is building up that you and your eldest both resent the younger one - this is something you should avoid. I would send him back to school asap

I couldn't agree more with this.

It sounds like a pressure cooker where the youngest is at risk of being othered and scape-goated. Well, tbh, that is already happening.

Please talk to his school about a way forward, OP. Or a new school. There must be someone who liaises with you re HS? Please talk to them about how to move forward.

mynameiscalypso · 26/01/2024 22:44

Mumtoboys1 · 26/01/2024 21:49

Youngest does not want to go to school. We took him out one of the reasons was we believed his behaviour was being influenced by other pupils but now he's been out for months and nothings changed. He does crave social Interaction but on his terms, this is when he started to lose friends as he didn't see them as friends anymore if they didn't do what he wanted and also they didn't want to be friends with him because he was controlling and like i said can be quite nasty. I do agree with comments saying to have more control over the situation when it comes to his behaviour it is like my eldest is being bullied, but to what extent? Do I not take him out with me if he cannot behave ? He literally doesn't listen and does the opposite alot of the time and I spend so much of my time correcting behaviour it's exhausting.

PPs raise an important point about whether he has a diagnosis of autism too. But, that aside, how is he ever going to grow up understanding and having healthy social interactions if he's not in school, has to be separated from his brother and you don't feel you can take him out?

BestZebbie · 26/01/2024 22:49

Just because DS7 doesn't resemble DS9, who has an ASD diagnosis, doesn't mean he can't also be autistic - not only is there a lot of individual variation just in the straight diagnosis, but things such as PDA (a specific extremely demand avoidant version of autism) or AuDHD (ASD+ADHD) can look quite different from "plain" ASD day-to-day too.

Original poster

Mumtoboys1 · 26/01/2024 22:55

@TeatimeBiscuits yes I know it is negative but it is only truth and I'm asking for advice on how to go about this as this is obviously a struggle. I'm not talking negatively about HIM the situation and behaviour in itself is negative. I have wondered if he is also autistic

OP posts:

londonmummy1966 · 26/01/2024 22:57

Poor little 7 year old

Original poster

Mumtoboys1 · 26/01/2024 23:48

I don't know why everyone is coming for me in the replies when I'm only asking for advice on behaviour which is clearly wrong. I'm not talking about struggles in making friendships and I don't think 7 is too young to know what a nasty comment is or to listen when something isn't ok. My sister is a SENco and even she says the same things as me and is always having to say ' that's not fair, that's not nice' ect and that I need to be more assertive or it will get out of hand. I just can't balance the difference in personalities here when I have a 9 year old very sensitive autistic boy whom I deregistered from school because he couldn't cope and now he can't cope at home either. I put in all the efforts and strategies I've been advised to by professionals but it makes no difference, I make sure I have time with both of them and my youngest has the time he needs to be social and active as much as I can it's just the time that is spent together which is difficult. And since now they are both at home a lot of time is spent together.

OP posts:

Sherrystrull · 27/01/2024 00:08

BestZebbie · 26/01/2024 22:49

Just because DS7 doesn't resemble DS9, who has an ASD diagnosis, doesn't mean he can't also be autistic - not only is there a lot of individual variation just in the straight diagnosis, but things such as PDA (a specific extremely demand avoidant version of autism) or AuDHD (ASD+ADHD) can look quite different from "plain" ASD day-to-day too.

This with bells on.

PeoniesLilac · 27/01/2024 00:43

Mumtoboys1 · 26/01/2024 23:48

I don't know why everyone is coming for me in the replies when I'm only asking for advice on behaviour which is clearly wrong. I'm not talking about struggles in making friendships and I don't think 7 is too young to know what a nasty comment is or to listen when something isn't ok. My sister is a SENco and even she says the same things as me and is always having to say ' that's not fair, that's not nice' ect and that I need to be more assertive or it will get out of hand. I just can't balance the difference in personalities here when I have a 9 year old very sensitive autistic boy whom I deregistered from school because he couldn't cope and now he can't cope at home either. I put in all the efforts and strategies I've been advised to by professionals but it makes no difference, I make sure I have time with both of them and my youngest has the time he needs to be social and active as much as I can it's just the time that is spent together which is difficult. And since now they are both at home a lot of time is spent together.

Because it does not seem to be in anyone's interests for your younger son to be deregistered from school. But you don't seem to be really engaging with that (beyond saying that you got disillusioned with schools in general).

What you have chosen to do is not working for anyone. You can blame your younger son, or you can take responsibility yourself and actively look at getting him back into school.

Is is difficult to admit to others that HS hasn't worked out for DS7? I can imagine it might feel like admitting defeat. But HS is huge thing for anyone to undertake. It can work for your eldest, whilst not working for your youngest. Be honest and address that head on.

cansu · 27/01/2024 10:12

So it isn't working. If you can"t cope then send him back but you will need to get on board with school or it won't work. If your youngest perceives that you disapprove or don't support the school, it won't be successful especially as he is used to doing what he wants. He may find it tough to start with as there will be expectations that he is not used to. You will also need to be strict about his attendance as he is likely to want to stay at home.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 27/01/2024 10:16

Personally I'd send the 7 year old back to school, are you sure they aren't also autistic?

9 year old I'd continue home schooling or look for a small Sen school. My eldest is autistic and didn't cope in mainstream, sent to Sen school and came on leaps & bounds.

solsticelove · 27/01/2024 16:07

I home educate my children and am very very disillusioned with the education system in this country (ex teacher) but I feel that this situation you are all in isn’t very healthy.

It’s obviously not as black and white as ‘send him back to school’ though. He says he doesn’t want to go and if you do you’re risking a whole other problem as he’ll resent you all for effectively ‘packing him off’ whilst you get on with your lovely HE life.

It’s clear reading your posts that because you started HE with your eldest then added your youngest in at a later date you’ve changed the dynamic and now you’re all struggling with it. It’s not the fault of the 7 year old it’s a situation just crying out to be changed in some way.

Somehow you as the adult are going to have to figure out what is going on here. You need to talk a lot with both of them and find out what is going on. Get some therapy to help you work it all through.
You need to trial and error scenarios until you find what works for everyone. For example you have one child with you and your other is playing alone whilst you do an activity together. Or you engineer situations where they have to work together on something to effectively ‘team build’. Get them bonding. There is so much you need to try here. I get that it’s HARD. Home education can be so hard! It’s not the easy option in life! Buy it should also be rewarding and bonding. The bond my kids have is stronger than when they were at school as they are a little team.

I also think you need to get your youngest assessed as others have suggested for asd etc.

Good luck op. If you need any HE advice I’m happy to have a PM.