Why schools and HE are both fine in their own ways and we should all just take a deep breath and respect each other's decisions

[AMumInScotland]

From nearly-5 to nearly-14 my DS went to school. He enjoyed it, he suited it, and it suited him. It gave him a range of opportunities that I could not have given him with HE. Not necessarily better opportunities, but different, and they suited him. In weekends and holidays we did many of the activities that autonomous HE families do, and we enjoyed our lives. Occasionally there were issues at school, with teachers, homework, etc, but these were always dealt with in a satisfactory manner and we were all happy that we had made the right choice.

Now DS is HE. He enjoys it, he suits it, and it suits him. It gives him a range of opportunities that school could not offer him. Not necessarily better opportunities, but different, and they suit him. And we are all happy that we have made the right choice.

In future DS may go back to school, or to college, or continue to study at home. It depends what direction he wants to go in, and where we think the best set of opportunities lie to help him to achieve this. Whatever the choice, I'm sure we will be happy that we have made the right choice for him at that time. If not, we know that there are always alternatives, and nothing that we do will permanently close off any future avenues.

I like the fact that there is debate in MN, and that it is not a pink-and-fluffy forum where we all agree with each other, but it does often feel that debates become very polarised into two opposing camps, both of which believe they are right, and debate settles into argument. I think the only sensible conclusion about HE and schools is that both can be very good ways of educating children, but that it depends on the specific child and the specific school and the specific teacher and all the other specific circumstances for that family, which of the two is the better option at that time.

I think it's great that people know it's an option - hearing how much and how long some children have suffered at school, not knowing that there was an alternative, is just heart-breaking.

I agree with discoverlife - I think the hostility is about HE being seen as different and radical, and something is always scary if you don't understand or know much about it. And then on the HE side I think it's really easy to feel under attack and then get defensive and attack in return. There's so many things like that involved in being a parent - it's the same as the SAHM / WOHM thing.

I'm just considering HE at the moment (DS is 2.3) but one of the things that I'm hesitant about is other people's reactions to it - especially in-laws, friends who are teachers, etc., who have already expressed horror at the thought! I think they are just desperate for DS not to seem "different". Obviously their opinions are not going to be deciding factors, but I still think it's going to be painful.

On the 'how little people know' side of things, one friend with a DD with pretty severe autism took her out of school to educate her at home for a bit, and was actually told by the education authorities (don't know exactly who) that she wasn't allowed to do that! Unfortunately my friend didn't know any better and so her DD went back. But if the people in charge of education have so little idea about HE, what hope is there for anyone else?

True, ibblewob. We're quite often saying on threads "yes, it's legal" and "no, you don't have to be a teacher". That's why I think it's important that HErs are here on a general parenting forum, amongst people who maybe hadn't heard of HE before, or didn't think it would be possible for them, because that means they find out about it. They may never want to do it themselves, but at least they know it's an option, and they might mention the idea to someone else who would benefit from knowing about it.

I guess I just wish we didn't end up so often on the defensive, or sounding smug, neither of which really sums up the way I feel about this choice, or (I hope) the way most HErs feel.

If I'm being utterly honest here, and I may well get blasted, but what the heck

I fully admit that some schools can be crap, and that some teachers shouldn't be in the profession.

I also fully accept that for some children and families HE is a great thing.

But I hate the inference that all schools are crap, that all teachers are vindictive, that all formal education is stultifying dull. And while most HE posters don't say this, some do drop bloody great big hints on times.

I work exceptionally hard at my job, I take it every bit as seriously as you do HE and I get just as insulted when people infer that what I do is crap, or second rate.

I don't expect Hedders to gush about 'some' teachers. But it pisses me off when people post things like' Well don't you know that learning shouldn't be dull' the inference being that only he is fun and exciting. Because I see the faces on the kids that I teach and I know that I'm not dull.
that people should complain about specific schools or teachers, then fine, fire away, so you should. But enough of the generalisations OK?

I accept that you don't want school for your kids, but don't assume that we are all as bad as the worst teachers. You'd all be pissed off if we did the same about HE. Because there are crap HEdderes out there too.

So shoot me!

Ditto what MB said

Was about to write something similar...she did it better than I could have.

Good schools and bad schools exist
Good teachers and bad teachers exist
Good HEdders and bad HEdders exist

We all do what is right for our child and for our own circumstances. There is no right and wrong here - just different approaches.

As an ex-home-edder, I agree 100% with OP and Hulababy.

MB - thank you, that's exactly what I mean. And I really hope you don't get blasted for saying it, because you're right. My experience of schools and teachers has almost all been positive. Some mediocre, but none terrible.

I really like reading HE threads even though I doubt that I will ever HE myself but they have given me enormous insight into the type of school that I'd like dd to go to and also the ways that I can help her learning at home without trying to formally teach her. I also think that knowing that you can get your child out of school is very empowering to parents who may be having difficulties within school.

Despite doing very well academically at school I hate the treadmill of testing that I feel goes on in schools and the pressure upon children to fit into a one size fits all system when it's clear that one size doesn't fit all even without considering children who have SEN.

I really have no problem with teachers (well okay maybe one or two). My children have been taught by some fantastic teachers. I do have a bit of a problem with some aspects of the school system. One of the problems I have is if you fit that system the likelihood is that you will sail through it taking advantage of all the good things offered by the school. However, if you don't fit too well there is a chance that you will come out the other end in not too good shape and possibly damaged for a long time. And no amount of brilliant school facilities are of any use if your child can't or is unwilling to make use of them for whatever reason.

I think HE is great, if its right for the child.
I also believe however that it should be right for the parent, I am a sahm but know i do not have the right personality to HE( lack of patience and high expectations of myself).
I was not even fully aware of HE til I started to lurk on your threads, so thanks for opening my eyes to a different viewpoint.

juuule, I don't disagree with what you have said at all

It really is all about finding the right type of school for your child, or the right type of HE for your child

I'm probably going to get even more blasted, but here goes... one of my reasons for HEing is not the schools at all, I LOVED school (am very academic) and had some brilliant teachers... what scares the crap out of me is the thought of the other kids

I hate what I see of other parents and kids in my area (i.e. what I wrote on another post about a large police presence being routine around our schools at going home time, the experience of my brother as an -excellent- teacher in a local secondary school breaking up knife fights in the canteen). Obviously DS isn't going to be sheltered from the world his entire life, but I can't bear the thought of turning him over to a class full of kids brought up with a completely different moral outlook when he is just 3! or even 5... I want his early years to be in a safe, secure, non-violent, stable, happy, moral environment...

ugh, there I said it.

I've found it's easier to tailor the home-ed to the child rather than trying to change the school system.

Ibblewob -you're not alone. That's another of the problems I have with schools. Most of the children are fine but there seems to be quite a few who are worrying.

They worry quite a lot of us in the profession too.

I wish that we had better resources to cope with them, and give them a way 'out' of the downward sp[iral they find themselves in. Many come from home lives that are Dickensian in their awfulness.

In reality they are in a very small minority in most schools. Put the pain that they feel, and the pain that they cause is real.

Interestingly many of them are 'shunted' off the school regesters in some schools (no the one where I work) and offloaded onto parents who are told to Home Educate them. there was an article about this in the Times ed about 6 months or so ago. dreaful thing to do, as in fact they end up with no education at all in the majority of cases.

Thing is, I would love to think that my child could be a good influence, indeed my whole home and family could be on kids like that if he made friends with them (think that sounded horribly smug and superior but hope ykwim), but really fear that actually they would change and influence him, not the other way around, and really don't want to risk it!

MB I remember reading about councils doing that with children from traveller families, so they could get out of their responsibility for providing any education. They were giving the parents pre-written letters to sign...

Kids are 'changeable'

I teach one lad. If you read his file, you'd run a mile. He's turned himself round, is fantastic in class, a real star. Getting C and B grades, previously he was on the road to prison.

makes my job worth doing, let me tell you!

MB, how did that come about? Was that the influence of good teachers, or good kids, or something else?

Dunno, if I did I'd be running the education system

Maybe for him it was time for a change. the school gave him a fresh start, with staff with no 'previous' with him, which was a help.

He is, and I really mean this, a delightful kid. But his record would make your hair turn white!

people change. Schools can sometimes help, not always, for sure, but sometimes.

I find it hard to take the cash for the hours I spend teaching that class.

That's a good story, and I totally agree with you - I think anyone is redeemable. It's just what I'm trying to think through is the likelihood of my 3 year old having an effect on kids like that, rather than being affected! Hope that doesn't sound too loopy.