Should I HE my 7yo?

[PerpetuallyConfused]

Backstory, will try and keep it short.

DD is very bright, academically advanced, self assured, confident, independent. Also what some have called "emotionally immature", clingy and a home bird. I don't think she's "emotionally immature". She is a young 7 yo though. Still plays with her dolls etc.

She had what seemed at the time to be a disastrous start to school life at our local state school resulting in us taking her out after two weeks in reception. We then registered her as HE as kept her out of school until a place in a private school became available at the end of the reception year.

She had 2 1/4 wonderful years in the lower school. Really idyllic. Lovely teachers, amazing HT. All in all a very comfortable existence for her.

Now she's in the upper school in Year 3 and I just feel like it's all going to shit.

I mean, on paper, it's really not that bad. But I feel like the pressure on all of us for the children to be there maybe isn't worth what she's currently getting back from school.

The days are long. Class starts at 8am and finishes at 3.50. 30 mins a week homework for maths, 30 mins for English plus spelling practice. I'm constantly running to a tight timetable where the DCs just don't seem to have time to breathe, think, play. I've just been told DS in Yr 1 should be doing his (written) spelling practise 5 times a week. On top of his 10 min a night reading. He has to keep to the same school hours as DD due to logistics.

DD loves most of her lessons. There's one lesson she's been in tears about. Something she should be fantastic at but she just can't work at the pace that is required to get anything of much worth down. She's slow at everything she does. So tonight she's crying because she lost the class a 'point' for making them all late for games. So then her friends start having a go at her.

Socially she's the sort of delightful child to get on with everyone on a superficial level but I just don't know if she's actually got any friends. She says she spends a lot of time on her own looking for people. That her 'best friend' is bullying her and she's sick of it. This is a long standing issue that basically this friend can be a mardy so and so and if she's in a bad mood or has had enough of DD she'll be curt and sarcastic and just not very nice. I don't know if that's bullying. A lot of the girls who she would say are her friends are now growing up faster than her, telling her she's playing with baby toys etc.

I'm feeling so deflated for her. She loves probably about 80% of school life. But the other 20% is causing her genuine heart ache. I feel like actually she's just not made of the mould they want. And until she fits that mould, I'm not sure it's going to work.

And then there's the money. What's the point? If she's not happy?

If it was just her I would perhaps more seriously consider HEing. But her DS would then want to be at home. But he his much better off in his lovely little pre-prep. I don't want to deprive him of that.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I'm probably tired and emotional and just sick of the whole school thing being really draining on all of us. Am I over reacting? Should HE be a last resort only?

I couldn't do it with my 5yo. I know I would need them to be mature enough to get on with some independent work. And he's having a lovely time in his little pre-prep anyway.

Maybe we'll look at it when when he's due to move up to the big school at Y3. That would have the added benefit of him not getting bashed around on the Rugby pitch!

You say you home educated before, do you think that your family life was happier then than now? Do you think that dd thrived more in that environment? Did you make friends at groups who you still keep in touch with? Do you think their dc are having a better educational experience to yours?
School doesn't have to be terrible for home ed to be an option (although it doesn't seem your dd is having a great time right now). It may just be that you think home would be better for your family, with the ability to tailor to your dd's specific needs.

I think so much depends on the children's personalities and the family dynamics. I think ds would have been happier being home ed if his sister had been too. But she's always loved school, gets on very well with everyone and has lots of close friends. She was offered home ed and said no (she was year 6 then, now year 9).

In year 7 she did wonder if she was missing out as a couple of her close friends are home ed and go to the group activities we were attending. However, she had appendicitis and an enforced break from school and at the tail end of that time she came along to a meet up with us. She wasn't impressed with the dynamics (and she's been to another since on a day off school!). She said she needed more friends than that and more social time. The meet ups weren't often enough or long enough for her needs. I think she has a pretty good idea of what home ed would entail and she's realistic that it's not for her.

I do think home ed can be great - but I really don't think it suits all children, just like school doesn't!

And then there are other trickier characters like my ds who will struggle with different things wherever he is. He doesn't find making friends easy, whether out of school or in it. But he is improving. I think it's important not to assume issues are about a particular setting - although they may be. Also don't assume things can't be worked on/improved.

"But did you not have a similar experience to mine, of finding that bullying and peer pressure were worse within your school class than in the other settings where kids spend time together, because the kids at school know they will be stuck with each other for so many hours a day?"

No, not really. The one girl who really bullied me was one who was 2 years older who lived nearby and whom I knew through my parents; we did not go to the same school. Heaven knows why I put up with it- but I did, for many years. I refused to see her behaviour as bullying even when she did things like deliberately hold my head under water. She, I think, enjoyed the power. Or was just too immature to realise what she was doing.

I was bullied at school too, but mainly by boys from a different class. They were not forced into my company at any time: they just went round the playground looking for somebody to go for, and for some reason happened to hit on me. (I got much less grief from the children in my own class, who had learnt to see me as a person.)

Dd met with most exclusion in one of the out-of-school activities she attended, with mainly children from different schools (and tbh it was the mums who were the clique-drivers). Though to be fair, the other out-of-school activities she attended were very inclusive and she made many great friends: it was this one lot of mums who were very determined that this was "their" group.

As I said, absolutely no argument against HE. Just that different people have different experiences.

Oh, okay. I guess I don't tend to hear so much about bullying in non-school activities, or see it myself, but there may be other reasons. If the kids at football are nasty you can just change to a different team or stop football, or decide to tolerate it as it's only for a couple of hours a week. And the coach has the option of kicking troublemakers out, which school staff can't so easily do.

"That would have the added benefit of him not getting bashed around on the Rugby pitch!"

Sad to decide for him that that would be a benefit......

Bertrand why do you think it would be 'sad' for me to decide 'on his behalf' that my DS would be better off not playing competitive contact sport at a young age?

That's what us parents are supposed to do - make informed decisions on behalf of our DCs.

I said that comment in slight tongue in cheek, but, actually I think you'll find a lot of doctors would agree with me.

I agree if it's full contact. It is very unusual for year 3s to play full contact.

At Yr3 he will be playing tag rugby which is basically a big game of chase with a ball involved. Literally no contact at all. It sounds like you like to envisage problems and drama where there actually isn't any.