having to look at school after heart set on HE

[ooharmehearties]

Hi there,
My dd is 4 and even before she was born I knew I was going to home ed. we had our struggles with her father who is a malicious narcissist and although I've been on my own with dd since she was 10 months I have worked hard to loosen his control and become a strong role model for dd.
I loved being a mum. Co slept, extended breast fed, did lots with her.
But her personality is so different to mine and I'm struggling now she is more autonomous.
She has no off switch from 5 am til 8 pm, and there is no break. She needs my complete attention . I don't have support for home ed, and I am so tired and I've lost myself.
She had two days a week at nursery and they were bliss, as an introvert it gave me the recharge time I needed.
I feel so sad that I'm not enjoying her company anymore, we used to go off on adventures but now she refuses to go anywhere and has major screaming meltdowns if I try to persuade her. I feel trapped in surburbia and drowning. We can't go to the numerous he groups as she won't go.
So with heavy heart I have accepted a school place. I am looking into if they offer flexi schooling, but it's not likely.

My parents are relieved - " ahh, cold hard reality is finally setting in" with a knowing nod.

Because all of this middle class nonsense "isn't for the likes of us. "

So I feel like a failure too. I feel like I'm letting my future dd down. But right now, I can't cope. I need respite, I'm just getting through the day.

The only upside I can see is I can always de reg at a later date.

I think you need to hang onto the idea that (contrary to what your parents seem to think) your choice either way at this particular moment in time does not define either you or your dd forever. So perhaps she will go to school now. Perhaps you will look back afterwards and both feel it was the right thing. Or perhaps you will look at it again in a few years time and decide it is the time to try HE again.

I have another one of those very full-on daughters with a personality very different from mine. There were plenty of good reasons (health-related) to HE when she was younger, but quite frankly our personalities meant we needed to spend time apart. But for me, what swung it was that she actually wanted to be at school, she was unhappy at home. Your dd is so young it must be harder to see what she wants. But either way, you can always change your mind later.

There isn't an un-crossable chasm with yummy mummies on one side and follow-the-crowd types on the other: all you can do really is make the right decision for the situation and time you are actually in.

It's never easy when life doesn't go how we hoped and dreamed it would is it...especially when that involves hopes and wishes for our children. However you must take care of yourself as a single parent.. your health is more important now than ever before...so i would say just go with what feels right for now. You can always change things later. x

Thanks , you've really helped put things in perspective . It's not set in stone and I can see how it goes.