Bad school experience for son and contemplating home ed . . .

[moochima]

I'm writing this feeling really upset following a meeting at my 12 year old son's school with his head of house and the headmaster. Long-story-short son is being accused of a homophobic comment. We feel this is really strong given the context and the intention (have talked to a fair amount of gay people and educationists about this and are all in agreement) and are resisting the internal exclusion the school is insisting on. The headteacher is insistent that, because the teacher took offence (he is refusing to speak to us or our son) then that means the comment was homophobic. End of.

I'm really in a quandry here because I fundamentally disagree with many aspects of the school outside of this issue and my son (academically above average, very sociable) is not enjoying his experience in the classroom - but has good friends there. He's been educated in 'alternative' schools through the primary years so the sledgehammer:nut approach is not one he's used to.

I suppose I'm writing because I'm wondering if anyone has any wisdom in a)how we move forward and b)what are my options regarding home education? Do I now have to just accept the head-teacher's 'ruling' regarding my son and allow him to do the punishment if I want him to stay in the school? If we should we take him out is there any way of keeping his school place so we can explore some alternatives for a period of time? - Is there any legal obligation for this? (my feeling is the headteacher doesn't give a monkeys regarding our opinions and concerns and would rather wash his hands of us). Has anyone else done this? How do I go about finding out about options?

Any information will be gratefully received - I'm really flying blind here and don't want to make any rash decisions but in a bit of an upset space . . .

Thank you so much xxxxx

Hakluyt, he said it 'just slipped out' - and he was joining in with the others. He said he knew the teacher was gay but it wasn't aimed at making him feel bad. He met with the teacher yesterday and he apologised again and told the teacher that he wasn't trying to laugh at him and was so sorry he got it so wrong. The teacher said that he wasn't responsible for the punishment. I think it's got caught up in procedure and fear-responses. . .

Catkind, it's the nastiness of the homophobic label that bothers me. Not the punishment as such. The comment was cheeky and insensitive and thoughtless and he's learned a massive lesson which I'm glad happened in a classroom. Us having no say over punishment also. I view myself/husband as being responsible for his education and he's been in tiny schools which we've been heavily involved in previously. It's only in the last year that he's been in a large secondary and it's been very different and challenging.

Thank you for your interest everyone. I am trying to get clear on this and I know it seems like a total waste of space to many and I get that and for those kind enough to step out of your own lives to help me with this I'm very grateful. I gave details because there was interest - apologies if it went on. And on. And on. It's really useful to get different perspectives and that's why I dithered hugely before copying the letter but eventually did.

I am extremely anxious about parenting after an abusive childhood. I work very hard to keep myself safe and my children safe and this has definitely caused problems over much of my life. Professionally I help people suffering from trauma and extreme distress and am good at it. But I am not good at asking for help for myself and internalise and obsess a lot - as I'm sure is obvious.

I'm saying this because I want to ask you to please, please, please think before you post. Be kind and supportive if you come across people who are asking for support - as in the mumsnet guidelines. Even if they are clunky in their initial expression. Even if you think they are total idiots. Even if you think their issues are the most irrelevant piece of fluffy crap ever . . . I really struggle with very dark periods where I obsess about having any relevance in life and what an awful mother and person I am and have been on a brink on numerous occasions. People that know me would have no idea. Some people only feel able to reach out to strangers. Floggingmolly, my son almost died and took 18 months to get back to health. Me having caused that due to my anxiety in some sort of karmic thing haunts me. I found your comment distressing.

I'm going to sign off from mumsnet now. Thank you for your interest and constructive comments - many of them are helping me contextualise something I've been finding very difficult to process.

Please, please be kind to each other. x

Coming out of any kind of abusive relationship the thing that remains after is difficulties is correct boundaries. What are my responsibilities to my fellow human beings and what do I need/deserve in return

What strikes me about this is how many natural boundaries have been broken

There was a boundary that you're son went waaaaayy over (general to the personal). There's another boundary that the lack of understanding that the affect on the "victim" is actually more important than the intention (you can hurt someone but accident, not your fault but you acknowledge the other person's pain by saying sorry). If you hurt another person mitigating circumstance might mitigate punishment but you should still accept responsibility for what you have done

Another boundary that your DH has no right to dictate a punishment to a school he can express an opinion but if you send your child to a school you need to support their ethos and discipline structure.

Not meaning to be harsh

If you want to 'move forward with home education' come over and join us on the 'mumsnet home education' facebook page (sorry can't link from the phone) and we'll help, without commenting on your reasons for deregistration.
Please do contact the admins on applying, or send me a pm here.

Your husband needs to take away the inverted commas around partner, that looks awful!! It's not that I don't see your side of it, but if it's just one day, I would encourage your son to take it on the chin. What actual harm will it do him? I think you're blowing it out of all proportion and sending a poor message to your son. I appreciate that you don't want to bring him up to be a doormat, but that seems unlikely from your posts!! If he behaves in the workplace in the same manner that you are behaving with the school, he won't get far.

I feel the school would probably respond better to your assertion that your son did nothing wrong if you weren't quite as confrontational, but in fairness I can't see how they are behaving with you so it's hard to judge.

Just read your last post, and have learnt the lesson to read the whole thread first. Hope you get it all sorted out.

You sound like helicopter parents, not good and if you think the 'punishment' is unjust then you are sadly lacking in empathy.
Your little darling is back peddling and trying to down play, he was showing off and the comment wasn't flippant and 'just slipped out', I think you need to have real stern words and stop fluttering around him when he is clearly in the wrong.

I don't think OP is coming back but I understand why she feels that way. It can be unnaturally harsh here. A reason I've turned away from so many times. But I don't let the comments hurt me. Its just words from a stranger. I don't know them & they don't know me.

Good luck in life

Your son inadvertently caused offens to someone. Generally in these circumstances people apologise and move on. Learning this skill is one things schools are hogs for.

If you chose to HE jolly good- but your DS will miss out in learning such skills which ell help him long term in life.
You obviously don't like the school he's at now, so I suggest you look for one which would suit you both more. Whether your DS is attending school or not won't make a difference to applying for schools.

Oh, and what did he say???

I know I sounded harsh in my last post...I wanted to add I wouldn't want my DC at a school where the HT wasn't bothered if he stayed or left. It would bed a dream beaker for me. If you don't welcome my DC with open arms, you don't get the pleasure of educating them.

If your account is true, then the school overreacted. In fact, it is absolutely ridiculous.

I completely understand that the teacher felt offended. However, just because someone says they are offended does not mean it must be accepted without question. Otherwise we are looking at a society that would be crippled by accusations no matter how lacking in merit.

Feeling offended is not some right that can be used as a weapon against others. It should not be used to bully others or used in a tactical manner to gain some advantage.

I am embarrassed for that teacher. Whilst I accept that he felt offended, I do question whether there really was anything to be offended about.

This is an independent school, isn't it? I think the only thing taking you don out the the pain of having to pay fees until Easter.

I don't think this is a school you can continue to work with. I hope you have better options available to you.

Lynette, loving the autocorrect. I think I'd like to bed a dream beaker too

OP, you're right, the teacher made an error in encouraging the children to guess what his personal taste or preference was. The comment was not homophobic. 'phobia' means hating or fearing something or someone. It was cheeky and deserved a minor punishment. But is it worth fighting the school over?

I may be a black sheep here, but I fully support the parents. The reaction of the teacher was, wow... overreaction is the softest word to use. Clearly, the child has chosen a wrong joke, but why would you expect a 12 years old kid to understand such a thin matter? The teacher may have felt uncomfortable (though, I do not see why, if he is really proud to be a gay person; I would not be offended if someone joked about Pampers TV ad being my favourite! I am proud to be a mom), but the kid will have a psychological trauma that may last for years. Clearly, such a severe punishment to kids that touch the subject will not make them tolerant to homosexuality, but rather evoke fear and dislike of the people who may act so cruelly to them. It would be so much wiser if the teacher talked to the boy calmly and explained why this joke is inappropriate. Poor kid!

And, I wish you luck in clearing your kid's reputation and in finding a better school!!!! XXX

Some of what your DH has written is pretty offensive too.

‘partner' -so not a real partner then?
the extent to which his teacher was uncomfortable with his sexuality -that's a pretty huge assumption to make. And victim blaming in a "if only the teacher had been more comfortable in his sexuality, he wouldn't have overreacted and put DS in this awful situation" sort of way.
And I notice you also say the teacher is lacking in "wisdom and emotional intelligence".

I'm guessing he has shared these thoughts with the HT. And published them somewhere as it reads like a blog.

Your DS sounds like he made a silly comment. One day's internal exclusion and he can move on, which he seems ready and willing to do. But you and your DH don't want to move on, you want to rehash the details repeatedly, with friends; colleagues; school staff; the PC; random people off the internet. It sounds like you are trying to bully the school into submission.

And no, as parents you don't get to dictate how the school punishes your child. Any more than I get to march into my DH's office and tell his manager that his last pay rise was too low.

Clearly, such a severe punishment to kids that touch the subject will not make them tolerant to homosexuality, but rather evoke fear and dislike of the people who may act so cruelly to them.

I wouldn't go that far, but it does seem to be the teacher confirming that being homosexual is something secret and embarrassing. Having previously invited personal comments from the class. If you're a particularly private person it's more than a little daft to ask students to comment on your personal tastes isn't it?

At the end of the day, the only way the comment is that bad is if there's something wrong with being gay or going to gay pride, which of course there isn't. When I was at school being gay was something snigger-worthy, these days I'd like to think it just isn't. I can't imagine this class having any open discussions about homosexuality in the near future after a relatively innocuous comment being jumped on and labelled as homophobic. And making something taboo like that with teenagers would tend to bring the snigger factor back in

Any more than I get to march into my DH's office and tell his manager that his last pay rise was too low.
Well no your DH is an adult and can do that for himself. At 13 it's not unreasonable to get support from your parents.