The one thing that saddens me most...

[Colleger]

Is when my friends say they couldn't bare having the kids around them all day.

I don't deny that my boys can do my head in at times but what I do know is that I'm less patient and loving with them whenever they've not been around for a while and they come back. My friends talk as if they shouldn't have their kids at home, that they should give birth and then send them away for over half of their waking day once they hit four, or sometimes before. Yes, some parents have no choice but to say they can't bare it and it would drive them nuts to have them at home just seems so wrong. :(

In just over 100 years we have taught parents that we shouldn't tolerate our children being around us for more than a few waking hours each day. :(

[mummytime]

Seeker you do tend to be quite negative about education in general from what I have observed. I don't think HE ers are protected, but on their own thread it should be a safe zone. Just as usually people don't go and say offensive things on the SEN threads.

The next thing is to realise that Colleger is a recent convert, and as such is liable to be a bit evangelical (to HE not a religion).

[exoticfruits]

All threads are public- thankfully anyone can post, they don't even have to have children! That is the way it should be. If you want a cosy little self congratulatory board then form a private one elsewhere. SEN parents find some posters very offensive- they have said so on many occasions. Everything is open to all- only insecure people get upset by it.

[pictish]

I agree with everything Exotic has said.
You don't need to feel sad for other people and their children OP, so you can stop polishing your chocolate 'best mum ever' medal.

[exoticfruits]

You only have to read the 'but I took you to stately homes threads' to realise that you can be glued to your DC and still be a toxic parent. Parenting is a lot more complex than the amount of time you spend with them. There is nothing wrong in being honest and saying you don't want their company all the time.
Life would be simple if the 'best mummy' went to mother who spent the most time with them! It is perfectly possible to send to boarding school and still be voted a 'best mummy' badge.

[pictish]

Quality not quantity and all that....

[MorrisZapp]

This came up in active convos, the title intrigued me so I read it. Is that allowed?

The thing is, most people do not like it when people feel sad for them. Particularly when it's people they have never met.

Feel sad for me if that's how you really see it OP, those are your feelings and you have a right to them. But the thing is, I have a pesky house to pay for, and my DS insists on eating food. I've found my own attempts at going naked and hungry to be unsuccessful too.

Ok, that's me being snarky. We could survive on one income, if survive means have food, shelter and clothing. But I like to have a bit more than that. And I have to, you know, work to pay for it.

I enjoy my job and I wave DS off to nursery with a happy heart, so it's all good here. He's happy and thriving, so really, no sadness needed.

[crackcrackcrak]

Heresy heresy! HE people are martyrs I tell you! Martyrs!!!!

[Bunbaker]

I love the school holidays, but I also love having time to be me. I don't want to be identified as DD's mum all the time. I want to be known as bunbaker who just happens to be mother to DD.

DD is 12 and she needs to be independent. Some days she comes home from school and goes straight out with her friends. As it is getting dark earlier now and earlier this isn't going to last long.

In the summer holidays, when staying at MIL's she would go out and just come back for meals, which is how it should be. It was how I filled my days as a child and I'm glad that DD can do this.

[MajesticWhine]

This thing about feeling sad doesn't really wash with me. Feeling superior perhaps? Not sad.

[BlueElephant90]

I am sorry to ask this but I am really curious. How come you are HE colleger? I had a completly different impression of you
btw I am a fan of HE, in the right enviroment it is the best gift you can give a child.

[mummytime]

Most HErs I know by 12 they are spending a lot of time studying pretty much on their own (with the guide of a tutor, a parent or a self-study course) for GCSEs or even OU courses.

[Woozley]

In just over 100 years we have taught parents that we shouldn't tolerate our children being around us for more than a few waking hours each day.

I'd say only in the last 50 years have people (usually women) been expected to look after small children on their own all day, after the nuclear family became "the norm". Probably started much earlier with industrialisation & people moving to cities. I think it's quite normal that you'd only want to spend a few hours with your kids in the day, on your own anyway. It can be very isolating, especially when they are very small.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Mummytime.

I am too a recent convert and sometimes become evangelical, I think its to be expected in a way.
I too enjoy my dc being around me, although I only have one to facilitate learning for now.
MorrisZapp, H.ed parents come in all shapes and forms, if you read some of the posts you will see that many work in addition to He.edding their dc.
One of the benefits is not needing to do a full day like school and also no need to occupy dc form 9-3pm like at school. Do 6pm-8pm if you so desire.
I don't thin Colleger was trying to be superior and of course anybody can read or comment on any post. But as this was posted in H.ed and mostly H.ed parents read them, I think the post should be kept in context.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Seeker.

Maybe some H.ed parents are negative towards school, but surely thats why they decided to do it. If they were happy with school they'd be using them.
I am interested in education and contribute to the other boards, I am not negative to others on here unless the post is a particularly negative one.
I can honestly say I haven't recognised any names from H.ed threads doing this neither but maybe somebody has.

[lljkk]

If schools didn't exist then I presume we'd be sending our kids out to find work like it has always been for the children of the poor everywhere. Still wouldn't spend a lot of time with them.

Isn't Colleger's complaint just a variation of SAHM vs. WOHM?

[seeker]

"Seeker you do tend to be quite negative about education in general from what I have observed. I don't think HE ers are protected, but on their own thread it should be a safe zone. Just as usually people don't go and say offensive things on the SEN threads."

I'm only negative about particular areas of education. I am very interested in education, and post frequently about it. Colleger has a history of posting extremely offensive things about school and school educated children- this thread is just a veiled dig at those of us who use schools.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Colleger I have seen your name on a number of threads over the years and so I know the school background of your sons. You are going through a big adjustment process from not having your sons around much to having one of them around a lot and I am glad it is working out well for you and him.

HE won't suit everyone. My children are in school but I come on this board to get ideas because I have learnt a lot from the advice and approaches suggested on here. I don't think I would be a good HE'der because I am too impatient and have the potential to be the pushy parent from hell (I am equally pushy with myself). I think my involvement in my children's education is better in small doses and I couldn't sit back and let them be autonomous because I am too much of a control freak.

I fully understand why you are bouncing these ideas around as you get used to your new lifestyle. However, I just wanted to say to you that hindsight can be a burden in some cases. Whether or not, given where you are now, you would go back and do things differently I think you should recognise that you made your choices based on what you genuinely believed was in the best interests of your sons at the time you made them. Maybe your view of what is in their best interests has changed but I am sure that you have always had their best interests at heart.

All us parents can do is try our best.

[morethanpotatoprints]

I think if it was Collegers intention to have a dig at those who use schools she wouldn't have posted it here, where the reader is predominantely H.ed
FWIW, I agree and find it sad too, that doesn't mean that I hold it against anyone who does things differently. I sometimes think they don't know what they are missing, something which occured to me when we first started last month. I feel like I have missed so much when dd was at school and also consider how much fun I'd have had with dss had I known about H.ed then.

lljlk. I know you disagree with Collegers views and you are quite entitled to, but how on earth can you turn H.ed into an argument of sahm/wohm?
Lots of H.ed parents work and look after their kids, there is no comparison at all.

[lljkk]

Lots of WOHPS say essentially the same thing, though, don't they? "I couldn't bear having so few breaks from the kids & the house". How is that different from what OP says saddens her?

[morethanpotatoprints]

It is totally different as the OP is talking about reactions to H.ed not work. I can see that some people may not see educating their children as right for them but there is no link to working or not.

[lljkk]

It's the same sentiment, though, that's what OP has complained about, the sentiment of not wanting to spend time with their children. The people who upset her didn't say "And it would be even worse if I had to HE them to boot", they're saying "I don't want to spend that much time with my kids, that alone would be unbearable." That's what OP doesn't like.

Maybe it's not what you think, Morethan, but it's exactly the sentiment that OP says saddens her.

[morethanpotatoprints]

lljkk.

The OP is clearly talking about H.ed though and her friends reactions to her spending time with them through H.ed.
The OP imo is voicing her opinion to school foremost as she discusses dc spending half their time away from home from the age of 4.
There are wohp who state the opposite but it is not the same thing unless compared to education.
I can see it being comparable if H.ed was exclusively for a sahp but it isn't

[seeker]

I adore having my children with me, I can't wait for the holidays, and I'd love to have them with me all the time. Because there is no one I find more interesting and entertaining. But that is my need/want not theirs. They need/want something completely different! And it is my responsibility to give them want they need to develop emotionally and intellectually, not what I want to make me feel fulfilled and useful.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Seeker

It is good that you can see this as clearly H.ed would have been all for the wrong reasons in your situation. Just out of curiosity in what terms do you see H,ed as not being/ meeting their wants and needs. Is it something you offered them and they declined for e.g? Also why do you think that H.ed wouldn't give your dc what they need to develop emotionally and intellectually?
H.ed doesn't make me feel any more fullfilled and useful than I did when dc were at school.

[seeker]

I think that almost always, HE is more about the parents needs and wants then the child's. This is not necessarily a bad thing- it has to be good for everyone involved, and it can obviously be brilliant for the child as well. But the clear-sightedness to know why one is doing something is very important.
But generally, people find this hard to think about- which is why school bashing is so common. Easier to say everything about school is awful, than to examine ones motives too closely.