anyone experience with husbands who say no to home ed

[hemumof4]

I posted on here yesterday "upset" and things have developed and I feel that my husband has made up his mind that we should not do home ed. There are no specific issues really with school although ds1 in year 1 i feel is still not ready and is always getting told off for not sitting still etc.. has concentration of a much younger child (although bright). Fed up of them asking me to talk to him about sitting still! I mean for goodness sake how do you do that with a 5 year old!
Feel certain my hubby will say no tonight but not sure what I can say to him. i don't think he will listen to anything as in his mind school is the way to go and now having had a conversation with the school (goodness knows what he and they have said) he wants to reassess after agreeing we could home ed. I'm gutted, have told people and kids are excited. iv also taken my ds1 out of school already having asked them to take him off register they ob haven?t as they have told dh that there is still a space for him. I?m really annoyed with him for changing his mind and I?m really annoyed and resentful with the school that they contacted him and not deleted his name.
Sorry for ramble. Thought this was supposed to be good but only met with opposition, heartache and upset.

So you had agreed something with the school and they contacted your DH? Is that normal for schools to do? It reminds me a bit of when I say 'no' to DD1 so she goes and asks DH!

I would let your DH talk- can you get him to tell you all the reasons why school will be better? Can you agree a trial period? I don't know anything about de-registering, did you have to fill in a form or anything?

My partner said something along the lines of 'I think h.e. is the wrong decision, I don't want you to do it, but I won't stop you' - 3 1/2 years ago. I did it anyway, which was scary for me. Since then he's been to home ed groups with us and we socialise with h.e. families and he's admitted he can see lots of benefits (although even now he still wouldn't necessarily feel happy about being committed to h.e. forever).
Can you try arguing that you will try until the summer and reassess? Different people respond to different arguments. It does sound like your son is developmentally ready to sit still (like almost all 5 yo boys), can you talk about this and about how lots of countries don't even try and get 5 yos to do this and places like Sweden don't even try with 6 yos.
Legally you have parental responsibility and you can exercise this without your husband's consent, so the school don't need his consent for you to de-register and they should have de-registered if you wrote and asked them to. Problem is that technically your husband can use his parental responsibility unilaterally as well and he could re-register if the school would let him (but then you could still de-register him again).

Dads are always dead against it and then they become the biggest advocates. It's happened twice with our two noughts of home ed and now we're doing it again. He wasn't keen but this weeks he's a complete convert...again!

Mine is categorically saying no without even allowing me to have any variety of conversation about it, despite seeing dd being a real rat bag for more than an hour each morning this week about not wanting to go and not wanting to get dressed. I feel like i am having my head banged between three brick walls, the stubborn and bored Y1 5yo, the 'I know best' dh and the school who do nothing and claim every time that she seems 'happy at school' and 'we are doing everything we can' and 'the group she is working with are stretching her' (my arse quite frankly) and who look at me like I am deranged when I describe her behaviour at home!!! The fact that he knows nothing about HE seems in his mind irrelevant and the fact he won't discuss it even slightly is just downright frustrating. hemumof4 - I fully relate to your frustration, heartache and upset!

Oh kistigger (hugs) that sounds really rough. My dh also refused to discuss HE at all: "She's going to school and that's final."

I didn't have such a hard time as you, because after two years of non-discussion he finally relented just before dd would have started Reception. Not very graciously, it must be said. His words were, "Well you may as well not send her to school then, because you're going to do whatever you want no matter what I think." Before he could change his mind I quickly fired off a letter to the LA saying we didn't require the school place we had been offered. Over the years he has softened up somewhat and I know he does see that the girls are thriving, but I wish he would come out and say it. He does occasionally mention that school was a complete waste of time for him, and that most of what he learned was learned outside of school, which I guess is sort of the same thing.

I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be to see your daughter unhappy while your husband refuses even to say why he doesn't want to try home education. I can only guess that the reason might be that there is something quite frightening about it for him. In the case of my husband, I think his main reason was not wanting to answer questions from his friends and family about why he was letting his weird hippy wife do such a crazy thing. That was not a reason he would want to admit to.

In your case, since your daughter is obviously unhappy I don't see why his wishes trump yours. Why does he get to say a categorical "no" to home ed while you don't get to say a categorical "no" to school? You've been willing to try school, and for a good long time I guess - a year and a half? - so it seems only fair that he should be willing to give HE a go before deciding.

oh my goodness, sympathies to all these people - my biggest dread is having OH turn round and say NO...I ask him regularly to make sure and he's still on board with me.

I do find the attitude of 'and that's final' very patronising and disrespectful though...coudl you go at it from that angle? 'I'm an adult in this PARTNERSHIP too and deserve to have my voice heard'?

It must be difficult but you are equal parents and it is only something that you can do if both of you are committed to making it work.

People need to talk these things through before they have DCs. I appreciate that most people don't, but in this case you seem to have rushed in before you had both thought it out properly.
You can't rush these things through.

It is a lifestyle change as much as anything else.

ExoticFruits, I'm not sure why "home education" falls into the category of being something to which both partners must be committed but "school education" does not.

It is also a little harsh to say "People need to talk these things through before they have DCs". DCs are dependent for up to 18 years. Is a parent not allowed to learn about anything new and change their mind after becoming pregnant with DC1?

Chances are that OP and her DH thought that the only decision was which school, and they couldn't really discuss that before DC. Well, they could in the abstract, e.g. "how do we feel about private education", but not in the specific. After all, schools change over the five years between becoming pregnant and sending DC to school; people change jobs and have to move house; DCs are born with specific needs. All sorts of things change and parents can't pre-discuss every issue that may come up in 18 years.

Simple SDeuchars you send the DC at 9am and collect at 3.30pm-it doesn't take a lot of commitment. Both parents are then free to earn money. Maybe he simply didn't expect to be the only one earning and maybe he doesn't want to do it for the next 12yrs-or is it just a short term thing-have they discussed it?

It is a lifestyle change-going to school isn't-it requires no effort.

Of course things change-but they need to discuss it now. OP seems to have waded in too soon. She can't do it if DP isn't supporting it. She couldn't afford it as a single parent.

Interesting thread. My DH had to be 'drip fed' the idea of HE and after several years of me researching things and talking to him about it he eventually said "Oh, give it a go if you want to..."

The girls were all infant/junior age and I think he felt that HE wouldn't 'do any harm' at this age. He is cautious and conventional and as Saracen said he can't cope with the questions and comments from others. He was also worried about limiting our income with me not working FT. He is still unsure, despite the fact he can see how well they're doing and could also see the downsides of school, and he tends to pick up on every little negative thing (eg DD1 complaining of being bored at home yesterday morning!). I still drip feed him positive stories and benefits of HE most days!

It does take alot more commitment from both of us as I still work 2 mornings a week and he has to juggle working from home and HE and I wouldn't be able to work any more than I do so it does limit our earnings. He thinks they'll be going to secondary school...we shall see . It does irk me that he's not as enthusiastic as I am but at least I've got my own way for now

really disagree that going to school requires no effort - seems like hell to me! I remember doing it myself and it wasnt no effort then, must have been effort for my mum: having to get everyone up, dressed, washed, fed and to school for a certain time, buying, washing and mending uniforms, shoes, sports kit etc. having to deal with consent forms and cough up for this or that school trip...

whereas, you've had your child with you up to 5yrs and managed OK with your own routine...going to school is actually the lifestyle change. For all concerned!

Just had a thought: where are the husbands in the schoolrun madness? Are they getting up, getting themselves ready and disappearing to work for the day? If the mums are the ones being left to look after the children, perhaps they should have a bit more say in what they're going to be doing all day every day for the next however many years?

You wonder at what point OP said to her DH ,'Oh, by the way when we have DCs you will have to keep us all until they are independent'.

It isn't too hard to get them up and dressed-after 9am you can do other things-like go to work. And fairly soon they can sort themselves anyway.If DH doesn't mind being the sole breadwinner it doesn't matter-but does he mind?

I think the clue is in the first sentence here - I feel that my husband has made up his mind that we should not do home ed.

Perhaps he doesn't want to home ed and feels that you are expecting him to get involved. I would absolutely hate to home ed my daughter and I know that we would come to blows over it. I simply don't have the same authority over her that a teacher does. (Besides I just don't have the patience or skills).

I agree with exotic that it is a lifestyle change and it means that you are with your child 24/7. When do you find time to go to the doctor/dentist/hairdresser? Will you be asking your husband to take the day/afternoon off work to look after the children? Is he hoping that you might return to work at some point?

An aquaintance of mine took her daughter out of school to "home educate" her. She didn't do much educating, the child missed her friends, playdates and party invitations dropped off and the child became more introvert and lonely. She is now back in school, but has had a struggle to catch up with her peers.

It sounds to me that you have decided to home educate, but haven't really discussed it with your husband.

It is a huge step and can be very rewarding if done well, but it needs both of you to be behind the idea.

You can argue until the cows come home. If one parent doesn't want to HE you simply can't do it.
If one parent doesn't want to send to school you can still send to school, because it is the law that they are educated and you will be prosecuted if you don't send them. You don't have to send to school to do this but you can't HE if one parent says-'no we are not doing it'.
School can be done without co-operation. HE needs co-operation. Unless you get rid of DH and then can you afford it?

It isn't 'rights' or 'wrongs'-just the way it is.

The way I see it is that I was at home the whole time they were under school age and I loved every minute of it.
However, it was only going to be for a shortish period. If DH had then turned around and said 'that worked so well lets never send them to school' I would have been utterly horrified!
I wanted to do other things, work part time, volunteer, do the food shop on my own, go to the dentist on my own and above all else have utter silence in the house on my own!
He could 'drip feed', try and talk me around, get me to read books etc etc etc BUT it would never change my mind because it isn't a life style I wanted. I would also be utterly opposed to being the main breadwinner, while he did it, to finance a life style that I didn't want and had never been mentioned before we had the DCs.

I would have reminded him that I never signed up for it in the first place.
He would have to send to school because I would have refused to take part.

You can't change the goal posts part way through unless you both want them moved.

Since when is being with your children 24/7 'a lifestyle change'???? Really can't get my head roun that one. Glibly saying 'it's not that hard to get them off to school and then you do other things' doesn't really answer anyone's questions - to me it seemed at the time and still does seem a heck of a bigger bore than just sticking to the routine of the last 5yrs. It'd be like having another job outside your actual job. Assuming you're lucky enough to find a 9-3 mon-fri job. Maybe to YOU it's easy and 'no effort', but everybody's different.

I think it would be possible to HE with only one parent doing the actual childcaring - if hubby's off out to work anyway, what's the problem with you doing things your way? If he has objections beyond the day-to-day practicalities of who will do what e.g: he believes qualifications are vital or somethingthen it's different, but you still deserve more of a reason than 'I've decided and that's that'. There's no respect there.

The BOTH wanting thing is the key - in this situation, a partner would like the goalposts changing. Goalposts do change for all the reasons above, so at some point you have to be prepared to compromise. Why should she just be ignored? particularly IF she is the one doing the actual childcare?

In full agreement with hahathatsme regarding the school being an effort.
The six weeks we have just had of it has been such a pita. We spend over an hour and a half each day getting there and back, being late for extra curricular activities if she doesn't get let out on time. Justifying why an orthodontist appointmnent will take all afternoon.
Not to mention sifting through a rain forest's worth of paper that they bring home each day informing us of the latest bollocks du jour.
Meh, I hate it.

It would be a huge lifestyle change. I love being a mother, but I have no desire to be their teacher -other than life skills and supporting their interests in the many, many hours left outside the school day.
Many people feel like this and it doesn't matter what you say, it simply doesn't work if both parents are not in agreement.
She isn't being ignored-they have discussed it-he doesn't want it. Of course goal posts change, but they both have to agree to it. I wouldn't be prepared to compromise in any way over HE unless the DCs were unhappy and we had tried all other options first.
It doesn't matter how many people agree with OP-the one person that matters doesn't.
We are all different. School was simple for me. Two DCs had orthodontist appointments-I didn't have to justify anything and at least the letters are good communication. We didn't do too much after school and they were 5 mins walk away. As I say-we are all different. There isn't a right answer for everyone but sadly you have to have the same answer for both parents.

Why should she just be ignored? particularly IF she is the one doing the actual childcare?

Because she doesn't have to do the childcare and he is paying for it.

exoticfruits -

You have no desire to be your children's teacher. I have no desire to be my children's teacher either. And guess what? I'm not. Because, as HEers have said to you many times, HE is NOT LIKE SCHOOL. Your (teacher's) understanding of how education works outside school is pretty far removed from my reality.

I don't follow the logic at all of "if the parents can't agree then the school trump card wins". Meh.

I have been reading these threads for a long time ommward-I know all that!

However most parents do not want to be with their DCs 24/7-not even in the early years. This doesn't make them any worse as parents,

You are getting a biased view on her because people are for HE. Most of the population do not want to do it.
Of course the school card wins. The DC has to be educated-either at school or at home. If one parent refuses to HE the state will force them to go to school. Maybe it shouldn't be like that BUT you both have to agree.

This is just a fact that the OP will have to accept-unless she can talk him around.

here not her