Aaaaarrrggghhh!!! Where am I going wrong???

[mummyloveslucy]

I just feel so fed up with my 6 year old daughter. She's turning into a right ittle madam! I took her out this morning to a group at the libruary. She pretended to be her 2 year old male cousen the entire time, only answering to his name and making silly baby noises. Then any time I spoke to an adult, she's squark loudly and drown out what I was saying. She did this to the Taxi driver when I was giving him our address. Saying she lived somewhere else.

I just don't know what to do with her. I've had enouugh. She is just so embarassing, I don't like taking her out but at home it's even harder trying to entertain her.

She's in bed now for her behaviour in town. It's easy to give her time outs etc at home, but when we're out, sometimes I just don't know how to handle it.

I do feel like giving up and sending her back to school sometimes. I know it'd be hard for her and she has issues which would make her a very easy target for bullies. She also has learning difficulties. Maybe if I flexi schooled her, she'd be more greatful for the days she wasn't in school and I'd get a very much needed break.

I think you will find there are many on this board that can relate to having a child with special needs, I have 3. All with different needs, and yes it is tiring, and yes we have days when we need to vent. Many families home educate because their children have autism, speech problems, physical problems. I can tick all the boxes to those.

Please dont feel that anyone is trying to upset you, but I think you need to get some help. Either by talking to someone, or even rethinking home education. If it is making you feel this upset having her home all day, then it cant be doing either of you any good. Are there options for her going to a childminder for a while so you can recharge your batteries if that will help you, or her going to a family member or friend.

I just feel by your posts that you need some help from somewhere or need to make some changes.

Would you like to post on the Special Needs board here on Mumsnet? Or try the home educating special needs list which you can join via:

he-special.org.uk

mumof4darlings- Yes, I think if she did go to a childminder once a week, it'd really help. She loves doing all the things CM's tend to do, like cooking, painting, play dough etc. I could then get everything I needed in town or just have a day with DH on our own. She can't stand shopping, so if I could go without her, it'd be great.

I have some ideas of changes we can make, hopefully it'll be good for all of us. I have certain things I'd like her to learn, eg dressing herself, becoming toilet trained and working on her speech. These are the main areas we need to focus on. Everything seems to be a battle of wills at the moment. I think a lot more star charts are needed. I also need to play with her more. I really don't like it, as it's sooo repetative, but I must make more of an effort. Lots of little things can be improved. It's a case of sitting down with DH and discussing what changes need to be made.
I really want HE to work, so I'm going to give it my best shot.

I think that sounds like a great plan!! maybe a couple of afternoon sessions with a childminder would be better than one long day. so you could have a little break and refresh your batteries, she would get what she needs the play, and then maybe things will work.

mll - what support and therapies are you accessing for her sn? (i hadn't realised it was you at first).

i think you need to concentrate on strategies that will support her sn, if i am honest. it sounds as though this is less to do with home ed and more to do with you trying to cope with both he and sn and feeling exhausted.

are you getting support for self help skills from ot? (i've lost track of her current dx i'm afraid, i know there were speech/ comms issues, but it sounds as though she might have picked up a gdd dx?) the thing with sn and school is that (if you are in the right setting) it is reasonably easy to get referrals for support and end up with the right team, with he, sometimes you do end up trying to cope with it all on your own without the right specialist support.

i know you were having issues with school/s. maybe it's worth spending some time looking at what he was supposed to achieve and how you can teak it to refocus?

are you unschooling, or have you got a formal-ish programme that you are trying to follow?

(i should add i've no agenda wrt sn and he, we are looking at he for ds1 at the mo, who is as yet not formally dx, mostly because he ticks the boxes for everything and no-one can make a decision except he definitely needs a label of some sort. )

(((((((((MLL))))))))

I was thinking about this yesterday. I really think it's a SN issue. Your child isn't developing according to the standard model. This means that, until she's ready to learn whatever social camoflage skills will enable her to walk around invisibly like everyone else, she will be "embarrassing". She will do inappropriate things. She will talk when she shouldn't, and be quiet when she should talk. She will take things she shouldn't take, and leave behind the things she should have carried.

She is going to get sneers, stares, comments, cat's-bum faces, impertinent questions from 3 year olds. You are going to get all of those, plus barely concealed pity from nice adults, and contempt from nasty ones. And you need to grow a rhino hide. Almost everyone is going to disapprove of your daughter when she does things that are out of kilter with society's expectations. Why would you join them instead of helping her with love not punishment? No-one else is going to be on her side. You need to decide whose team you're on, and it should be Lucy's IMO. And that means gentle help and explanations at her level, not time-out for something that she doesn't really understand is wrong (if she understood, she wouldn't do it - she's not psychotic)

at she's not psychotic. She did know that it was wrong, but we've talked about it and it was because she knew we would say no. We've decided that when she gets a line of stickers on her chart, she can have some money to buy what she likes.
She also does many other things she knows is wrong, but does it anyway because it suits her best and she just hopes I won't notice. (But don't all children do this anyway?) I remember I did!
I am very much on her side. I'm trying to teach her right from wrong and how to behave in public. It's my role to try to teach her these things. She seems to understand when I explain eg, that people in a cafe have come in to relax and don't want to hear you making very loud noises. She says "O.k, mummy" and sometimes says, I'll wait until we get outside. She can be so sensible and intelligent sometimes. I feel so proud when she does this. It shows a graet deal of self control.

We took her to HE group this morning and she went around shouting out "This is sooo booring!" and "Can we go to the park now?" We had to cut it a bit short and take her to the park. I did explain that it might hurt the feelings of the person who organised the trip, but we wouldn't stay too long. She did understand.

ok - if she does have the understanding, you need to explain to her that shouting 'it's boring' at the group is unacceptable. it's fine for her to speak to you quietly and ask if she can go to the park, but at 6 years old it's not acceptable for her to be yelling about how boring someone else's hard work on her behalf is. she's perfectly entitled to feel bored, and she's perfectly entitled to want to go to the park, (and you are perfectly entitled to feel also bored and that the park might be a better idea and take her there) but i'm not sure if you're not reinforcing the unwanted aspects of the behaviour? it does sound like she might have a developmental delay in this area?

it's difficult to tell, tbh. but by 6 i think empathy should be developing, and she should be able to understand that she can ask quietly to go to the park, but that shouting how bored she is in front of organisers of activities is just plain bad manners and isn't likely to get the response she wants/ needs/ would like.

i'm all for child-led activities, but i'm not sure about child demanded activities at 6, particularly when they are demanded in such a way to cause hurt to others. does she really understand? is she really being wilfully naughty to get what she wants? or has she not developed that empathy yet? 6 is very little, but it's big enough to start understanding social rules - as long as sn isn't impacting that understanding.

where are you on the diagnostic path at the mo?

It is very hard to tell, but I always re enforce and tell her that the behaviour isn't acceptable.
She being acessed for ASD, but I'm not sure she has it. Some days I think yes, definatly, then some days I think definatly not. she might have a mild form, or it could be due to her developmental delays.
Weather she fully understands or not, i always tell her when she's being rude etc. She's normally very good at these things but today was an exception.