HEing my daughter with SEN's is burning me out and making me depressed! I don't want to send her back to school. What can I do?

[mummyloveslucy]

Hi, I'm sure most of you know of our situation now, but for those who don't. I have a 6 year old daughter with a developmental delay of about 2 years. She's being acessed for Aspurgers and isn't fully toilet trained. She has several accidents a day, of both kinds. I'm not sure wether it's behavural, as she doesn't like using the toilet.

All her play is make believe, acting out things she's seen of DVD's or TV. She likes repetition and only wants to play with me if I follow her rules and say exactly what she wants me too. She'll often get stressed if I don't say it right/ do what she was expecting. It's just soo mind numbing and irritating! I've got to the point, I can't stand it. I'll tell her to play that game on her own. (Which she does, happily.)

Everything is a battle with her, dressing as she's so sensitive to touch, being cleaned after an accident, getting her to drink enough, getting her to do her brain gym excercises, speech therapy... you name it.

We aren't doing any formal work, appart from her speech therapy and brain gym that has to be done every day. All she wants to do it watch Charlie and lola at the moment. She'll say "I'll only do my excercises if I can watch C&L afterwards". I usually agree, but once she's watching it, it just makes it so much harder to interest her in anything else.

She's so loud as well, she never stops talking, often shouting out her words. It drives me mad! Often it's just her make believe.

I just feel like I miss the time I had on my own while she was at school. I got chance to re-charge my batteries, do the things I liked doing and just having a bit of peece and quiet. I am going to be sending her to a child minder one day a week as from next week. That should help. I even feel guilty about that. When she's not around I do miss her, then within minutes of her being home, I've had enough.

I Just don't know what to do. She had such a horrid time at school, I wouldn't like to send her back, but have concidered flexi schooling. I don't think that would be good for her either though. What I'd like is some sort of nursery/ reception class for her, just 3 days a week so that I can have a break and know that she's happy, with other children and doing fun things. I know this is impossible though. (I think?)

Do you think I'd benefit from seing the doctor, asking for some anti depressants? I just don't know what to do to cheer myself up? I feel like I have the whole world on my sholders. I can't enjoy my daughters company, even though I love her with every inch of my heart. My favourate time with her is snuggeling her to sleep, when she's warm and cosy and quiet. THen the guilt hits me, thinkin of the day I've had with her. The battles, the zoning out, just not connecting with her at all.

What should I do???

My friend's son's school used to let him go to riding for the disabled during in the school day. That was a very accommodating state school. I wonder if you looked at state schools before you went private? If not you might be surprised at what is on offer.

Hi You sound very tired. My son was far less demanding that your Lucy but shared some of the same characteristics. I had to be ruthless in cutting back on anything non-essential otherwise I felt massively resentful/guilty when my attention was demanded all the time. I also had to learn to ask for help (VERY DIFFICULT!) No way could I have worked nights!

Can I ask if your eventual aim is to get Lucy back into a mainstream environment, or do you want to continue HE her?

If the former, I would look for a school that has special units that have specific help for children like her - Im thinking nurture groups (where she can be with others and be nurtured back into an educational environment) - our confederation runs one and its proved very sucessful in getting youngsters ready to be in a mainstream environment - it may be something they would allow a HE child into if you are planning to get her back into full time education.

If you are planning to HE for a while, I think you need to set up a more planned, regimented environment with visual cues about what happens when. Because its seems like your child is in charge right now, not you. Its my experience of children with ASD that they NEED that structure - she may rebel against it, but ultimately the structure will provide her with life skills of having to delay gratification, or having to do things she may not like.

Plan in TV time in the afternoon when you are in the post lunch doldrums and need some "me" time. Also plan in time for those games of hers. Make sure you "me" time is Me time, not "oh I just get started with the laundry/ironing/

I dont think you need anti-depressants - I think you need help. You are not superwoman. A pill is not goingto make you into one overnight. You need to get back into a place where you are in charge of the day, not Lucy.

Thanks everyone, you've given loads of great advice! There is a lot that I can look in too. I like the idea of after school clubs. It might even help to get her over her feer of schools.

I will crack on with that form and hopefully it'll make life easier, especially if I can afford more activities, tutor etc.

I don't feel so bad today. I've also been ill with D&V for the past few days, my DD had it before me. I think that's just zapped even more of my energy, even though my mum looked after DD for me while I was ill.

While I was at work, I had a think about things we could do together that we'd both enjoy and I came up with some ways of adding more structure to our days, and letting DD know what'll be happening eg: a work basket, with the things I'd like her to do that day, maybe a visual plan of her day.

It would be great to find a tutor who could help with ideas for games, behavioural issues etc. I'd really like to know that there's someone who knows my DD who's trained in SEN's that I can ask advice and gets useful tips on dealing with certain behaviours. That would be amazing!

You know Lucy's Mum - this home ed thing is such a strange one. There are such highs and lows. We had a real ho-hum morning today. I was grumpy and of course it crossed my mind that imagine if they were at some mythical school with some fabulous teacher (a sort of cross between Mary Poppins and mrz from the primary ed boards!) and maybe they'd be better off. The trouble is in my case this mythical school is not local to me! I know what our local schools are like and they're not a fit for my DC at this stage of the game. I'm not knocking the schools themselves. My DC have friends there who are happy but they're not a fit for mine, so home ed is our choice.

Anyway, we then went off to dancing at the local church hall and my DD had such a fun lesson and while we were waiting around my DS played a bit of football in the park adjacent to the church hall with his friend and I realised that we probably just needed to get out of the house a bit and have some company. I'm not suggesting you need to get out of the house more (or less)! Just saying that home ed does have its ups and downs and you're not alone - we all go through it.

I love your idea of a work basket. She'd probably love to wake up to a few things put out for her - I think that's quite a Montessori idea - that you prepare the environment and children can educate themselves.

The one thing that almost never fails to lift me out of the doldrums is ecotherapy. I find if I can work a walk in our local woods into the day, it's always better. I think it was Charlott Mason who said that there is no such thing as unsuitable weather, only unsuitable clothing ... but do hope you manage to get the support you need - excellent ideas on this thread.

I've think I will go and have another look at my local school. It has a unit for ASD, and has a high nomber of children with SEN's although it is a mainstream school.
I'll ask if they'd be willing for her to flexi school there. Maybe 3 days a week. That way, I'd still get plenty of time with her, but it'd be quality time as I won't be so tired and burned out.

This school does seem very caring and friendly. They envite the parents in for the first 20 mins of the school day to settle their children, see their work or talk to the teacher. I think that would really help Lucy. They also ask for parents to help out in the class rooms. I'd really like that, I'd get a feel of how they do things.

The only thing is, she doesn't know anyone there and isn't good at making new friends. She tends to find one if she's lucky and she'll stick with that one friend and won't want to play with any one else.
The school that Lucy's best frind goes too is further away, in the next town. I couldn't walk her to that one, but from what I've heared it doesn't sound as warm and welcoming. The parents are kept back by gates that are "garded" by two women. I haven't been to see it but it has a good ofsted report. I might go and see that one too, at least she'd have her best friend who's already there. The uniform is a bit rediculus though. A kilt and proper blowse and tie! This is a STATE PRIMARY fgs. That would cause her stress when changing for PE. One of her worst memories of school was not being able to get changed.

Do you think I should visit these schools with Lucy, or on my own? I know she's bound to get upset, as she doesn't know any different to her old school.

I think, like one person mentioned, if I don't try, she could be missing out and I'd never know.

OP - go for it. The local school with the ASD unit sounds much nicer than the other one tbh. And whatever your DD is diagnosed with, the school will be much more used to a wide range of differences in children as they already have a high number of SEN children there.

Looking at the school isn't committing you to anything, it's just one step in a possible direction.

When I looked round schools I left my DC at home as I thought they'd be a bit of a distraction. If you like the place I'm sure you'd be able to arrange another visit with her in tow, or a taster session etc once you'd got a place.

Thanks, I'll have a word with my DH and see if he agree's. He should, as I can walk her there and back.

I have been to see this school before. I went before we decided to keep her at the private one. We even had a place for her, but thought she'd be happier staying with her friends in the small classes. (Big mistake)

I might just take her along this time and see what she thinks. If she gets upset after saying "please don't send me there!" I think I'll find it very hard.

I hated school as a child, found it hard to make friends as I was shy, and had dyslexia, so found it all really hard. I know how she must feel and I don't want her to go through the same as I did. I'm hoping that things are easier for children now and that lessons are made more fun.

I would go yourself first, that way if you don't like it she doesn't have to know, if you do like it you could take her along a second time. The ASD one sounds nice, you might even find they let her try a session. If it is kind and caring they will try and help her make friends.
I shouldn't project your experience on to her-she is a different person.

That's true. It did actually make me appreciate my time at home more as well.

It would be great if she could try a session first.

She's going to her child minder for the first time tomorrow. She's a young mum in her early 20's who has a 2 year old son. Lucy told me this evening that she doesn't want to go, if I'm not staying. She says she's worried the baby is too loud and will take her toys away. I thought she seemed keen when we took her last week. Who knows if this will work out now.
I don't think she's really going to get much interaction and proper play with a 2 year old. At least at school there'll be children of her age and some with SEN's. It would probubly be more fun for her. (I really hope)

I would definitely go on your own, have a good discussion and if you like what you hear ask them how they could make it easy-they might be OK with flexi time to start with. I wouldn't mention it to her until you have sounded it out.

I seem to trrmemeber that you had decided to send Lucy to a local school with a specialist unit? What changed your mind? I remeber very clearly the ghastly headteacher at her other schooland the awful time you had deeicing to taker her out.

Why not try the local school? You can always take her out again if it doesn;t suit.

Definitely visit by yourself the first time, so that you can ask lots of questions and really be able to take in the answers without trying to see how DD is responding to it all. As exoticfruits said, that way if you're not impressed with it then DD never needs to know about it anyway.

seeker- I wish I had put her in that school to start with. I just thought she'd be better off with the small classes and friends she was used too. The reception class was fantastic for her. I don't regret that, her teacher was lovely and she had real fun. It went down hill dramatically when she went in to year 1.

It is the same school we turned down, that we'd like to send her too now. I hope they don't remember us turning them down. If so, I hope they'll be understanding.

If it's a state school and she has special needs then I think they'll have to make space for her.

Look at the admissions criteria. But do it today.

Forgive me, but I seem remeber from past posts (please ignore me if I've got the wrong person)that you have a tendency to over think and become paralyzed by the possibilities before you! So here am I, giving you a push to do what you know is the right thing. Findo out today whether your dd will get a place at the school and from when. Talk to both the school and the LEA admissions people.

I have posted on a couple of your threads and I remember that Lucy loved music. Is this something you are pursuing?

I agree with the other posters about exploring ways to re-integrate her into a more suitable school, at least part time (for your own sanity). Good schools are experienced in supporting children with varying degrees of school phobia and special needs, so it might even be a positive experience for Lucy.

Good luck!

Agree about looking for a state school with good SEN knowlage and maybe Flexi schooling.We ended up doing that by default with my 12yr old ASD son for a long time in Primary as they couldn't cope with him full time - worked very well for us and he is now in fulltime main stream high(Aspergers unit). I Flexi school my 8yr old now and again, its working well for us, my DD6 loves school and is fulltime. If you can find the right school that will be flexible you really can have the 'best of both worlds'

acebaby- yes she does love music! She's having suzuki piano lessons at the moment. She loves it! It's the only activity she's never moaned about going too. We've bought her a piano for her room and she has a drum kit in her play room. Luckily we're detached!

Seeker- yep, that sounds like me! I find it very hard to make decissions, especially ones which will affect my daughters life. I just want her to be as happy as she can be, the thought of her being bullied or teased terrifies me! She's such a sensetive little sole, I just want to do my absolute best for her, but if it's making me exhausted and snappy all the time, it's not going to be good for either of us.

Mummyloveslucy - I don't have anything constructive to add but I just wanted to say that I too have been reading your threads over the years and following your daughter's progress. It's really clear from your posts how much you love her and want the best for her, it's quite heart warming.

I do think you could try the local state school - perhaps just go for a chat? they might let you introduce Lucy slowly, just the odd day a week at first, so it wouldn't be such a shock to the system.

Thank you. I will speek to the schools but also find out what other support/ activities are available in our area.

Good luck! I'm glad you seem to be feeling a bit more focused and positive now you have taken stock and thought more about the alternatives.

But pleas, please do move quickly,. Time is passing - and it may be that good speicalist education is what Lucy needs to help her reach her full potential. And the way things are now doesn;t sound ideal for wither of you.

mummyloveslucy - will you let us know how things go once you've got in touch with your local school?

Couple of thoughts about SEN/Home school and night working.
I do/have done both. IMO it?s almost impossible to do part time nights, and you?re better off doing it full time, so you have your own sleep routine and body clock, rather than ?catching up? sleep. The latter never works well for long and may be a bigger factor in things than you realise.

Coming from the fairly quiet peaceful and civilised world of night workers into the jarring daytime bunfight, (or maybe that?s just London!) and demanding repetitive world of SEN and having the patience needed to cope and provide well is a big ask, and takes lots of time and an acceptance that something has to give to allow it. (For us it was the house)

I think if you intend to home ed an SEN child you do need a very clear idea of what the actual SN?s are, what you?re aiming to do, why, and what end outcomes you?re seeking, rather than just seeking to protect your child, though that can be a perfectly good start of the journey, :-) because otherwise I think it will automatically get overwhelming if there?s no clear goals to allow you to see why you?re doing this and how well it's working or not, when the going gets tough, which it often can. I also agree that structure tends to be very important in ASD lives and we couldn't autonomously H/e. We're scarily structured and it works for him.

Totally agree with Saracen about SN activities. Once a week we go to a disabled swim and it?s the one place in the world where we can just be ourselves and not worry about others views.

Whatever educational setting you create/or place children in, it should be about identifying and meeting your child?s needs, and you should just do whatever works for her best, and unfortunately with some SN?s there is a time window on learning. The only answer to ?what should I do?? I can give, is learn as much about your child?s needs as possible because regardless of where she gets educated it will help you both through life.