This time last year I went to Paris. I'd always wanted to visit, but I'd been holding out for someone – boyfriend, husband – to whisk me away. Of course, it never happened.
Then I reached 44 and thought 'sod it, what am I waiting for?' So I went for the day with a good friend and it couldn't have been more perfect. We walked along the Seine, ate pastries the size of our heads and drank coffee and beer outside every café we could find. Never again will I put something off just because I'm single.
Valentine's Day can feel like a large-scale commercial pity party if you're not in a relationship, but the perks of single life aren't to be sniffed at. You can wax your moustache in bed while watching Friends without fear of judgement. You can stock the fridge with bars of Galaxy and bottles of Pinot – and know you’ll be the only one getting your hands on them, and you can dance naked to Beyoncé in front of your bedroom mirror without anyone laughing at you.
Of course, single life isn't all plain sailing, especially when you embark on the murky waters of online dating. My last date was with a man who showed up wearing an interesting combat trouser/jeans hybrid. Suffice to say I haven't seen him since.
But it could have been worse. I remember the time one date turned up with a shark tooth dangling from his neck, or the man who asked my friend to tape Match of the Day for him so he could watch it before they went out before their first date.
I've been sent photos of hairy men in baths, I'm pretty sure one guy kept going to the toilet to sniff something he shouldn't have been sniffing, and if I had a pound for every dick pic I've been sent, I'd have… about £26.89.
And then there were the men I didn't even get round to dating:
1) The one wearing black shirt and turquoise tie
Not even David Beckham can carry off that look.
2) The one with a pierced eyebrow
I'm all for personal expression - as long as you don't end up looking like a twat. Maybe you can get away with it when you're in your 20s (maybe), but in your 40s? Not so much.
3) The one with a dresser full of plates behind him
Being a plate collector isn't sexy.
4) The one with a goatee a la David Brent
You know the goatees that look like they're just drawn on with a biro? That.
5) The one who posed with a skeleton
6) The one wearing red lipstick
I'm sure there's a perfectly plausible story behind this. But trust me, it's not a great way to sell yourself to a woman.
7) The one called Linus
I just can't imagine ever being able to bring myself to cry out, "Linus! HarderLinus!" in the throes of passion, were it ever to get that far. Which it won't. Because he's called Linus.
At the ripe old age of 45, perhaps online dating just isn't for me any more. I've been single for four years now and I'm tired of the games played and the lies told. My time is precious and it's taken me years to realise my self-worth and I refuse to settle. Plus I can't afford to shell out £30 a month.
So what now? In July I'm going on a walking holiday to the Derbyshire Dales to find buns of steel and a sexy new husband. I suspect all I'll come back with is a major case of thigh chafing, but it's worth a shot.