I was a born fuck-giver. Maybe you were too.
As a self-described overachieving perfectionist, I gave my fucks liberally all throughout my childhood and adolescence in order to prove myself worthy of respect and admiration from my family, friends, and even casual acquaintances. I socialised with people I did not like in order to appear benevolent; I performed jobs that were beneath me in order to appear helpful; I ate things that disgusted me in order to appear gracious. In short, I gave way too many fucks for far, far too long.
The tide started to turn ever so slightly when I started planning my wedding - an act that demands a veritable cornucopia of fucks given: the budget, the venue, the catering, the invitations (wording and thickness thereof), the vows - the list goes on. But you know what I never gave a fuck about? Seating charts.
In deciding that all of my guests were grown adults who didn't need my help in choosing a seat, I had eliminated hours - perhaps a dozen or more - of moving aunts, uncles, and plus-ones around like beads on a goddamn abacus. Instead of putting that feeling of obligation ahead of my own personal preference, I'd just decided to let people land where they may. And did anyone complain? They did not.
Little by little, I stopped giving a fuck about small things that annoyed me. I turned down after-work drinks. I unfriended some truly irritating people on Facebook. I refused to suffer through another reading of friends' plays. And little by little, I started feeling better. Less burdened. More peaceful.
Soon, I realised I had my own insights to share with regard to life-changing magic. Brings you happiness? By all means, keep giving a fuck. But perhaps the more pertinent questions is: Does it annoy? If so, you need to stop giving a fuck, post-haste.
I have developed a programme for decluttering and reorganising your mental space. You will no longer spend time, energy and/or money on things that neither make you happy nor improve your life, so that you have more time, energy and/or money to devote to the things that do. I call it the NotSorry Method. It has two steps:
- Decide what you don't give a fuck about
- Don't give a fuck about those things
Not Sorry is how you should feel when you've accomplished this.
If the NotSorry method unlocks the door to life-changing magic, not giving a fuck about what other people think is how you get on the property in the first place.
When it comes to how your fuck-giving affects other people, all you can control is your behaviour with regard to their feelings, not their opinions. While you should, of course, continue to give a fuck about what other people think as it pertains to their feelings, you don't have to give a fuck about what other people think when it comes to their opinions. As humans, we have every right to politely disagree with or not share someone else's opinion. It's not hurting anybody and it's entirely defensible.
Take the pub quiz problem. I have a group of friends who love pub quizzes; they kept asking me to join them, and I kept making lame excuses not to go. Once I embraced NotSorry, I just said "You know what? I really don't like pub quizzes, so my answer to this is always going to be no. I should probably just tell you that now and save us all the Kabuki theatre of invitation and regrets." It worked like a charm.
Now that my friends know the truth, I feel liberated with a capital L. I was honest and polite, and nobody's feelings got hurt, so I didn't have to apologise. I was quite literally not sorry. Plus – major win – I didn't have to go to the pub quiz.
Want an idea of how NotSorry could improve your life? Take a minute to think of all the things that you currently feel pressured to give a fuck about. These could include, but are not limited to: matching your belt to your handbag, LinkedIn, eating local, hot yoga, paleo, Jeremy Corbyn, the ballet, hashtags, other people's children, understanding China's economy, #catsofinstagram, your father's new wife, and/or Glastonbury.
Feeling a tad ill? Jittery, nauseous, anxious? Pissed off?
Now visualise how happy and carefree you would be if you stopped giving all those fucks.
Hot yoga? Don't give a downward fuck.
Paleo? Fucks not found.
And #catsofinstagram? Sorry, you're all outta fucks, meow.
The moment you decide to stop giving a fuck is the moment you start living your best life.
This is an edited extract from The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k.