Guest post: Army families - 'your life can be turned upside down in weeks'

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I have lived 24 years of my life with the Army. I didn't sign up and join, but I married my husband, who did. People tell you what to expect when you become part of the Army family, but everyone faces their own challenges and the life can be very tough.

My husband served in an infantry regiment which took us to many different postings around the UK and even some through Europe. We lived in remote garrison towns in Northern England, near sunny beaches in Cyprus, on big bases in Germany and in relative normality in the Home Counties. For the most part, it was enjoyable and safe, and we always had a roof over our head. But I also met plenty of families who didn't have this experience.

Many junior soldiers get married at a young age. Their new wives are thrust into a new life away from their families and friends, with a husband who is hardly there. Army accommodation is allocated to you, and it may not be something you like. If you are young, with no family or maybe just one child, you will get a small apartment. You can say no to the first option given to you, but that will mean waiting for another one to become available.

These homes are not your own - you have to sign an inventory when you move in, which is then signed off once you leave. Everything has to be left how you found it, which is a near-impossible task when you have young kids.

When you leave, the process is called “marching out”. Someone from the housing office, usually a former soldier or someone close to finishing their service, comes to inspect your home before you hand it back. They inspect your house with a white glove, checking every nook and cranny, marking you down for scuffs and scratches. No matter how long you spend cleaning, it is never clean enough for them.

This can all be very tough on new marriages. Having little support when you most need it – when you're starting your own family – can cause lots of strains. With the recent combat operations in Iraq and Afghanistan, some young women found themselves alone for anything up to nine months at a time. There are welfare and family teams at the Army barracks, but for most this is no substitute for family and friends.

An Army family can never make long term plans. Either through new deployment or promotion through the ranks, your life can be upped and moved to pastures new in as little as six weeks. That's everything in your house, your kids and their schools, your friends in the barracks, the life you have become used to – all of it changes, and you have very little say in the matter. The constant change and upheavals can be tough on the kids, and it's really difficult to see them go through it. Luckily the schools they attend are used to this and so are the kids at the schools. I guess it feels tougher on the parents - we want them to have the stability we had as children.

My life as an Army wife has not always been what I wanted or expected, but it was mostly enjoyable and has given me lots of experiences I never thought I'd have. You can see the difficulties faced by young families, but those who embraced the system always fared better than those who didn't. It was a challenge, but then whose life isn't?

The Independent and Evening Standard have come together in partnership with ABF The Soldiers’ Charity and Veterans Aid to support veterans and their families struggling with housing issues. You can find out more here.

It's certainly a different sort of life.

As a partner your own career is hard to maintain and it's very easy to lose your identity altogether. On my first march in I offered to sign the paperwork, the march in man sneered at me 'madam you can't sign this you are just a dependent'

I have two children and both times my husband was nicked off me (deployed) when they were newborn. I feel bitter that each pregnancy and birth has been either during or in the shadow of months of separation. The army really don't care much for families, at least not at a local level.

It certainly doesn't help that the overriding attitude is 'you knew what you were signing up for' I can only speak for myself but I didn't have a clue. The harmony guidelines are that your partner should expect to be away from his home base (ie his family) for 415 days out of 30 months. This is frequently breached.

That said, the pay is decent, the annual leave is generous, the housing is subsided and the training and development for soldiers is great.

There is no conscription. No one is forced to join the military. If your husband signed up after you were together with no consultation with you then you have bigger issues than just being an "army wife".
Life is tough for a lot of people for various reasons.
As a PP said "That said, the pay is decent, the annual leave is generous, the housing is subsided and the training and development for soldiers is great"
Emotional reasoning about "defending the country" defensively creeps in to any conversation people try to have about how chosen a profession this is.

Aha, A fully fledged member of 'you knew what you were signing up for' brigade. Sigh. Well, yes lots of people have problems, but that's sort of what mumsnet is for? To talk about big problems and little ones. I think the OP was just sharing a bit about life as an army family.

Everyone's life changes in twenty years. A young couple is pretty easy to up and move (with the noted issues about spousal support and employment - lots of great research on this via RAND, and some UK based stuff too) but it's harder to predict how many children you are likely to end up with over the years, how many of them will have additional needs, how the aging process will affect members of your family who may need more support etc etc etc.

A young man or woman may indeed join up with rosy patriotic notions (thank you for belittling their urge, Farely) but life circumstances can impact this massively. While the serving member may continue to want (need?) to play their part to defend their country, the spouses and families often have little to no say in it. And 'just leave, then' comes with a whole new set of problems. Even if you can manage to get out of your existing contract (admittedly slightly easier these days, with Defence cuts), career change in mid life with a spouse and family to support is a huge challenge (particularly when the spouse may have been prevented from furthering their own career by remote postings, lack of childcare etc).

There are of course a range of options - sometimes divorce or separation (to a statistically higher percentage than the national average) is the the route out for those who cannot cope with the moving, otherwise families look to long term separations where the serving member moves, and the family stays put. This is more common with children whose needs mean that moving is more difficult, or for older children during exam years etc. of course, what this leads to is more senior members unaccompanied in remote postings, where those more experienced spouses are actually needed more, to support the young and inexperienced families. Catch 22.

Of course, everyone's problems are different - spouses and families generally aren't the ones being shot at, although they may be dealing on a daily basis with the threat or reality of that happening to their loved ones, or the mental health issues caused by service. (That's not to say that MH are inevitable, of course, but the rates of both MH and physical disability caused by service are significant). Dealing with these, often in a remote location with no family support, becomes harder.

Anyone dealing with these issues should remember that they can contact the Army Families Federation, or the specific support organisation for their branch of service. The website has a huge amount of advice and information about separated service, service children's education, additional needs, health etc, and their volunteers are lovely. They can out you in touch with local support if you are struggling.

Having done 11 years in army quarters can I point out your statement about a white glove inspection on march out is a bit misleading - these are certainly not done anymore.
I had a shit time which was not entirely the army's fault. However I think as an employer (and this goes fir all three services) I think they encourage the serving member to put themselves and their career over and above their spouse and family at a level which I haven't seen in any other walk of life. Adventure training, anyone?? However, army life certainly taught me how to drink...
That said, AFF is a fantastic organisation (I used to work for them!) and I would urge anyone having a hard time to contact them.

Yes soldiers choose to sign up but at the same time we need them. It's in our best interest to give the men and women serving the support they need to do their jobs. That includes supporting their families. Any good employer does this.

I agree Army life is incredibly tough on marriages. Like a PP said, I didn't have a clue what I was signing up for! The constant moving is very difficult, particularly when children come on the scene. There are lots of good times but your marriage has to be very strong to survive the pressures it places on it. And most army spouses (usually wives) wave goodbye to any kind of career. I've been lucky to hang on to mine but it's meant a lot of commuting very very long distances to do so, and the reality is it would have been a lot easier just to throw it all in. The rule for a soldier is that the needs of his or her family come a close second to the needs of the Army. Close second, but second nonetheless.

I know nothing about army life, but ever since going through infertility, IVF, and then more recently miscarriage - all of which I knew nothing about before...I am now always very cautious about judging or offering opinion on something I haven't experienced first time. I have enormous respect for soldiers and their families, yes I'm sure there are perks, but it sounds like there are huge costs and sacrifices as well, compared to 'normal' family life, not to mention what I can only imagine is a constant worry of injury or death during service. Well done to you all......

I was an army wife, I knew my husband was in the army when I married him. I was grateful for the quarters, I enjoyed travelling the world. I don't know what sort of life you were expecting, life is extremely hard for nearly everyone. My daughter has been desperately trying to get somewhere to live after finishing uni, and has now succeeded but it wasn't easy. I don't live in my dream house, and realistically I never will. Nothing to do with army life, more to do with economic realities. Compared to my day, soldiers are very well paid now. What exactly are you looking for in life?

I was an army wife, I knew my husband was in the army when I married him. I was grateful for the quarters, I enjoyed travelling the world. I don't know what sort of life you were expecting, life is extremely hard for nearly everyone. My daughter has been desperately trying to get somewhere to live after finishing uni, and has now succeeded but it wasn't easy. I don't live in my dream house, and realistically I never will. Nothing to do with army life, more to do with economic realities. Compared to my day, soldiers are very well paid now. What exactly are you looking for in life?

I marched out of my last quarter last July and whilst I didn't get the 'white glove treatment' I did have to clean the inside of the double glazing (not the panes, the metal/plastic that holds the window in), the inside of the vents/fans in the kitchen and bathroom and was told to unscrew and bleach the pull cords to the bathroom light fittings!

Considering that the house had been left empty for 8 months before we moved in (with associated build up of dust) I was pretty annoyed that DE was going to be that petty.

But hey, it was a great big house that I had 5 happy years in and paid about an eighth of the market rent for - allowing us to save more money and buy the house of our dreams when I retired.

Swings and roundabouts.

I'm a RAF wife. I don't think you ever truly know what you are getting in to when you marry someone in the Forces. The people who join don't entirely know what they are getting into when the sign up.

We have been lucky with the house we are in now. We've been in it 5 years, lived at this camp almost 10. We needed a house suitable for my needs, as I am disabled. DH has been posted in cimmuting distance, he now goes 49 miles, so we can retain the house.

It was an incredibly stressful process, the Station Commander had to authorise us being in this house because it is an "officers house" so we aren't "entitled" to it, really. We had to provide reems and reems of paperwork and reports to prove I needed it, and the OT had to visit often to supervise the works. Now it is done it is brilliant.

Unfortunately we did have the jealousy of a core few of wives who thought we just went into DE and requested we were moved, so did their best to cause trouble, slag us of on Fb and report me doing things I wasn't doing, when I wasn't even in the house, to the welfare officers.

The most stressful part of living "on the patch" for me has been the bitchiness and gossiping from those few women who think they know everything, who spend their time hoicking their bosoms and chewing their gums whilst trying to make it hard for other families who don't want to play their silly games. The deployments are easy compared to that!

That's great that you had a good time bigoldbird. But lots don't, and find the life very hard and very isolating. You talk about "in your day" - so perhaps you haven't been an army wife in the current army which has been characterised by too frequent deployments. Being isolated when husbands are on tour is bad enough but it can be made so much worse by other competitive army wives who tell you how grateful you should be for the life. Your post is actually quite indicative of the kind of "support" you come across amongst other wives - lots are brilliant and I've made amazing friends amongst other army wives, but sadly there are always the ones that make you feel crap about yourself, who have endured harder times than you and never complained, who tell you you should be thankful for your house, thankful for the army, thankful for bloody everything (and how you don't have a right to complain about having to give birth alone while husband is in a war zone and then doesn't get to meet his baby until it's three months old because you "chose" this life)

My friend is a very senior army officer. In 25 years service he has moved house 19 times. It is a huge family stress. I don't know how military families survive the stores and pressures

Stress, not stores.

Any military family, regardless of rank, has to survive stresses and pressures, more so than in many walks of life (actually, probably more so, the lower the rank you may happen to be). Officers probably receive better treatment!

I don't know how any of them manage it. For a while, I thought my daughter was going to be marrying into it. I'm so very pleased she didn't.

I only have one child but my experience as a military spouse has made me utterly determined to dissuade him if he shows any interest in the military. Thankfully at the moment he is looking like being more like me than his father and it not appealing at all!

Officers actually tend to move much more than soldiers - on average officers move every 12-18 months whereas lots of soldiers stay put for much longer periods. We have moved on average every 8 months for the last five years (DH is an officer)... But we do get bigger houses so there are upsides

Would just like to add to this that as the service person it is certainly not any easier than being the spouse of a service person. All of the stresses that you're feeling are experienced by forces personnel too, we just learn to hide a lot of it for everyone's sanity - it's not easy to know you're the reason that your family have been uprooted because of where you've been sent most recently/your family have extra pressure because you've been sent away from everyone that you love (to yet another destitute place).

Also would like to point out that allocated accommodation is forced on no spouse. Everyone is equally entitled to pay full cost of accommodation they like in the shape of a home they buy or rent privately. Accommodation is largely subsidised and whilst not perfect is far less expensive than private options, likewise the furniture. Seems to me there is often a sense of entitlement from many spouses rather than gratitude that the forces do actually attempt to cater for families to some extent.

I'm not from a military family but have known many military families over the years and take my hat off to the OP, and other families in this position.

From my knowledge of such families, it isn't a "job", it's a vocation. It's not something that my family have chosen to do and I applaud anyone who has. And thank you for doing so under such conditions (housing).

Norm

couldn't have put it better.
I don't know how they do it and are certainly worth our respect.

Or you can choose the option not to follow them around, and cope with the seperation

I have a nice job, a 6mo baby, I live with my family (3 generation of women under one roof) it works for us.

I personally couldn't do the whole moving, but then again DP would never be moving his role is specialised and only one camp in the UK does their work. He could change role but then this would still be to only one camp all of which are a 2hour commute back home on weekends or time off. DP was also given a lovely long leave (months) when DS was born. His regiment are great and amazing with welfare from what I've experienced, so it all depends on many different factors.

Army life 100% destroyed my marriage. It is impossible to know the reality of bring an army wife before you enter into it. You can know what it entails, bit not what it is like to actually live it. We moved 4 times in 5 years, that is certainly not what I was expecting. Each time fought to get a good job, only to have to leave months later.

Within a few weeks of the birth of each of my children my husband was unexpectedly deployed. It was a horrific time in my life. 100's miles from home with no friends, family or husband, in a property that was generally disgusting. Our carpets were filthy; asked permission to install new ones at our own cost and were told we would be fined if we did so. Our oven took 2 hours to cook food that should take under 30 mins and again they wouldn't fix it or allow us to replace it. Daily battles like this grind you down very, very quickly. In general, I could not handle the truth which was that me and my children ultimately came lower in my husbands scheme of priorities than the army. It's no way to live, and I will do everything in my power to make sure neither of my children enter it as a profession or as spouses

PassTheCremeEggs, I am sorry if you think my intention was to make anyone feel crap about themselves. It really wasn't. I actually hated army life, but I was grateful for the quarter, we wouldn't have been able to live together otherwise. The worst year for us was two moves in 3 months, so I suppose it wasn't too bad. Maybe I am lucky in that I enjoy my own company. I never really got involved in army life because of the whole 'my husband is a higher rank than yours, so I can look down my nose at you' thing. But, what I am saying, is that life isn't easy for anyone and many people have to live away from their families for various reasons. I come from London originally and now live a couple of hundred miles away. There is no way I can ever move back 'home' because of the house prices. Army life probably is harder now because of Afghanistan, Iraq etc, but the IRA and the Falklands War weren't a bundle of laughs either. Anyway, I am sorry if I have offended anyone. Will clear off to bed now and leave you all in peace.