Today's parent keeps getting it wrong, or so parenting experts and the press would have us believe. If we're not being too indulgent and letting our kids run rings around us, then we're being too strict, creating a generation of obedient drones, incapable of original or independent thought.
‘The Village’ ostensibly required to raise a child is no more, and with our attention focussed on our smart phones and tablets, the current generation of parents are being accused of neglecting one of the most important parts of the job: discipline.
I've tried to be every type of disciplinarian, and I still can't get it right.
One of my most frequent guises is 'The Shamed'. It is a truth universally acknowledged that there are two certainties about motherhood - the guilt-tempered love that roots itself in the maternal heart, and the embarrassment that your existence causes them as soon as they start school. However, one thing I hadn't bargained for was the mortification my little ones can cause me.
As my son pronounces his dislike of ‘that man's baby tummy’ or his ‘yuckitty food’, or my daughter proudly scratches her nether regions in public, I feel my role diminish - and the only way of saving face is to retaliate with a suitable punishment.
This is part of the problem with discipline: it exists as much to preserve your parental standing in the eyes of others as it does to make sure your cherubs are raised with a sense of propriety and a good moral compass.
Think of the child being dragged kicking and screaming out of the supermarket – are you thinking about their behaviour, or are you judging the parent's mode of discipline? We discipline in order to diminish our own shame, and in turn we shame our children into behaving.
Then there's 'The Permissive', another frequently adopted persona in my house. Picture this: You go to grab the blue sippy cup and your two-year-old says he wants the pink sippy cup. Give him his cup of choice and you are spoiling him and pandering to his demands. In other words, #massiveparentingfail. Never mind that it doesn't actually matter. Never mind that expressing a preference is a developmental milestone and shows creativity. Never mind all that, because the parents have RELENTED.
Maybe you decide to throw caution and parenting mantras to the wind, let your toddler assert their independence and hand over the pink cup. Do so at your peril, dear reader - stray too far into permissive parenting territory and, as I've found, it's a slippery slope to full-blown anarchy. If all your children want to do is eat Wotsits and chocolate buttons, well who the hell are you to stand in their way? Your just-about-teenager wants to have sex? Hell, just give them a thumbs up and a wink and you're done!
Pretty soon, all that listening and accounting for others' feelings, all that being kind and encouraging independent thinking, will turn you into a discipline-hating hippy with feral kids, and your home into Lord of the Flies.
Which brings us nicely to 'The Strict', which I think always sounds quite appealing in principal. Children thrive on routine and predictability; when your child understands not only the rules but the consequence of breaking them, it's easier for them to understand boundaries and anticipate your behaviour.
The down side is, you sound like a total fool as you make empty threats: ‘If. You. Don't. Behave. We. Will. Go. Home.’ You know full well that you're not going anywhere - you've just driven over 100 miles to Legoland and have already purchased your non-refundable tickets, so there, so you are not going to pack up, turn around and drive all the way back just to make a point.
The frustration of this situation - your powerlessness in the face of very expensive paddies - may well lead to the last of my discipline tribes, 'The Damned'.
This one creeps up on you. It's the day when you feel like all you've done is hoover up endless Cheerios, and you've ugly cried in front of your children. It's when everything becomes fuzzy at the edges and things just don't matter as much any more. Discipline oscillates between following ‘the Strict’ in the hope it will somehow have an impact, and bribing like a true Permissive. We have all been there, and, if you spot this parent in the street, all I would ask is that you be kind before you judge.
So, what can we conclude? Well, I've found that the discipline mantra that's served me best during my parenting career is ‘don't be a total knob’ - and it's a philosophy that applies to everyone in the bloody Village. Little Johnny hits someone for no good reason? Knob. A stranger shouts at my child in the supermarket because he's hopping around? Knob. Nobody gets it right all the time, but avoid Scotch bonnet chillies and you might just be on the road to success.