Like lots of girls her age, my daughter has a well-developed penchant for princesses. At first, this manifested in the obvious predilection for all things pink and sparkly, but it has since morphed into something altogether more, well, romantic. She now exercises a tendency in her play to couple up all her figurines; for lack of options, the pairings are often disconcerting ones too, such as Cinderella with George Pig. And there isn't a bath time where I don't hear her exclaim, amidst all her breathy imaginative ramblings, 'Oh Derek!' only to suddenly become coy and instruct me to go away when she realises there's an audience to her secret play.
It is a shift almost entirely attributable to the introduction of films such as Thumbelina and The Swan Princess to her DVD repertoire, stories heavily themed with love and marriage. And while her behaviour merely seems to ape that of what she sees on screen, there is a burgeoning curiosity in her which, for her mother, is endearing - but somewhat unnerving.
It’s not the behaviour itself that’s concerning. As the NSPCC points out, traits such as kissing, hugging, fascination with private parts, playing with those private parts and playing ‘doctors’, are all pretty standard practice for a 0 to 4 year old. In the case of my daughter, her interest in romance has occurred in tandem with the more perfunctory curiosity of examining her own genitals and inquiring as to where babies come from. What is concerning is what this development triggers in me – in my mind these are the beginnings of a lifelong sexual trajectory, and even though I recognise that frank discussions about sex and love are still some way off, it has led me to ponder what the best approach is.
How do I strike a balance between, on the one hand, supporting a healthy inquisitiveness and shame-free understanding of sex and her own body, with, on the other hand, ensuring she is not prematurely plunged into a world rife with exploitation and insecurity? Is it better to discuss these things earlier rather than later, or does that tacitly encourage sexual activity? Do I sit her down and have a ‘talk’, or do I remain responsive to her questions but allow her to glean information from a variety of sources?
It’s not just the advent of sexual discovery that has got me in a neurotic tailspin, though. It’s the preoccupation with romance. Pushing aside the fact that I had hoped she would be less interested in Prince Charming and keener on martial arts, encouraging love and all its wondrousness can be positive. But it shouldn't be so consuming that it begins to define a person. As a girl/teenager/woman, I know I spent far too much of my existence seeking validation through sex and romance - a preoccupation that can be both distracting and debilitating - and I'm not keen on my daughter doing the same.
As a child, I don't remember an explicit moment when I suddenly found out what sex was. I had a general sense of it from as early as I can recall, mainly because I grew up closely with older friends, so was always party to information that was slightly beyond my comprehension. My parents’ approach was mixed. They were themselves floundering – trying to shake off the prudishness of their own upbringings by attempting to be open with my brother and I, while at the same time being too squeamish to sit down and tell it to us straight. They left sexy books about the house and walked around naked in an attempt to be liberated and open. Therefore, while sex seemed to be all around me, instead of being informed about it, it held an alluring mystique which ultimately led me to become sexual active at far too young an age. Without a strong enough sense of myself and my own boundaries, I ended up in some extremely precarious situations which I tried to pass off as sexual free will.
All children are different and it is difficult to say whether some follow particular courses as the result of character, condition, environment or parental intervention. Just because I was preoccupied with sex as a path to self-discovery, doesn't mean my daughter will be. My hope is that a combination of facts, self-confidence and perhaps some positive insights gained from my negative experiences will allow her to navigate this terrain with some adeptness. For the moment however, her greatest danger is absorbing my neurosis. Perhaps it's best to try and ameliorate that and let her get on with prodding her own lady bits and playing kissy games with her toys.