Justine Roberts: When did mum become a dirty word?

[KateMumsnet]

In 2009, I was asked to send a Mumsnet blogger to join the media corps at the G20 summit. I immediately put the nomination to our online audience, who collectively chose one of Mumsnet's finest minds to represent us – a prolific poster who went by the name of Policywonk.

She was a smart cookie – highly educated with a particular interest in climate change. And, by all accounts, she had a high old time at the summit, rushing from one interview with a world leader to the next.

Afterwards, I quizzed her on what it was like. ‘Amazing,’ she confirmed. But there was something a little odd, she noticed. Whenever she introduced herself as a Mumsnet representative to a fellow member of the media corps, they would start speaking very slowly and deliberately. As if she were a child. But she wasn't a child, she was a mum – and that was the problem.

Over the past half-century in this country, women have made astonishing strides along the road to equality. Schoolgirls are more likely than their male contemporaries to apply to university – and to graduate with a first or upper-second-class degree. The gender pay gap has dropped from 45% in 1970, when the Equal Pay Act was introduced, to around 15% today. And feminism, which seemed to lie more or less dormant through the 1990s and 2000s, has reinvented itself for the digital generation via grass-roots projects such as Everyday Sexism and No More Page Three.

It is, in short, pretty much the best time in history to be a woman – until the moment you get pregnant, at which point all bets are off.

Leaving aside for a moment all the examples of real-world discrimination – and there are plenty of them – that women face when they have children, let's just consider what we've done with the word ‘mum’ itself. ‘Mummy’ is the first word in most children's vocabulary and, during their early years, arguably the most important one: its connotations, from our offspring’s point of view, are overwhelmingly positive. What happens, then, when we become mothers ourselves, and look at the word from the other end of the telescope? Why is it, when adults talk to adults, that we use it so negatively?

Read more of Justine's piece for the July issue of Red magazine here.

[snoofle]

But isnt it likely to be better since 2009?

[scottishmummy]

Looking after children is a job when regulated,with t&c,and jd.
Looking after your own kids isn't job it's simply what parents do
Being a housewife isn't a job.its mot comparable

[bbcessex]

I agree that looking after children isn't a job, same as being a wife or husband isn't a job.

When Mumsnet talks about working mums, it does tend to focus, in my opinion, on mums with very young families, the effort involved in caring for them / nurseries etc. Life with babies, toddlers and primary-schoolers is very different to life with teenagers and young adults.

Of course, there are challenges with all age groups, and mums are still on call for teenagers etc., but the demands on your time are different.

I don't see too many mums in my peer group who would say that looking after their children aged 13+ is a 'full time job'.

[bbcessex]

Hi Madrigals.. I don't see anyone knocking caring for children but I do
think it's strange that you put a financial value on caring for your offspring..

[bbcessex]

I think, Madrigals, that working part time is the best of both worlds, especially when the DC are small. Keeps your hand in the working world and gives a bit of space, whilst allowing you time to focus on the children too..

But not to 'de-rail' the thread.. Justine's original post was "why does being a mother have negative connotations?".. not 'working mother, or stay at home mother, just 'mother'"..

In my view, and experience, it doesn't. I think - personally - being a mother is bloody brilliant, and the absolutely best thing I have ever or will ever do.

I think the subject of the post however has been twisted.. In my opinion - the blogger who felt that she was dealt with differently because she introduced herself as a rep of 'Mumsnet', was dealt with that way because of the way Mumsnet is sometimes perceived.. not because she is a mother.

[lolabell]

That's a good point. There are some really interesting points and opinions being raised. Food for thought and all that.

[scottishmummy]

No one should expect or get approbation for being a mum

[morethanpotatoprints]

I get lots of gratitude and respect from my family, they think I do a good job most of the time.
It is a job and hard work at times just like it is for everybody. The rewards are far better than any paid job could be.
If you do a good job and you treat raising your family, looking after the home, and your family as your full time career then of course it is a job, you just don't get paid for it, you volunteer.
As long as you and your family are happy you don't need recognition from anybody else, fuck em.

[bbcessex]

Madrigals.. I don't think I am qualified to really answer, because I had to look up 'approbation' on Dictionary.com

That said - being unqualified to answer has never held me back (!) so here goes.. Why should we give commendation (see - I've learnt something today!) to other groups and not specifically mothers? Well - I think it could possibly be down to 'supply and demand'.

There are MILLIONS of good mums. The fact that you are one, does not make you unique or special. It's not a job you get selected for - you're not 'chosen', in fact, you (often) choose it and bestow it upon yourself.

There are not MILLIONS of CEOs, neurosurgeons, fashion designers, radiographers etc. and also, it's not exclusively their only role. You can be a mother / father / parent AND do any of these things.

I think it's really great to be a good parent. In my opinion, ALL parents should do their absolute best to put their children's health, well being and future aspirations first. It DOES make you a good parent if you do those things, but I don't think it makes you unique, and I don't think you have to make that your exclusive task.

Those things are (often) achievable as 'part' of your role.. you can be a great mum and a great runner / hairdresser / engineer / graphic designer too.

I think I've lost the point of my post.. !!!!

[bbcessex]

ps - Madrigals - I'm sorry you feel undervalued.. that's not a nice feeling and not a happy place xxxx

[scottishmummy]

Mum isn't a dirty word.any more than dad is.or dad dancing means uncool
Its really middle class navel gazing to fret about this.mum is what you make it
Granny doesnt=boiled sweeties and moustache.and mums arent defined by jeans choice

[Nerf]

Interesting reading. (Article and thread). Can't help feeling that if we want to stoop being asked about juggling kids and career etc etc and being seen as primary carers, we could maybe change some of out own attitudes.
Eg I do not identify with the whole my baby, my rules/ mil dared to pick up my baby/ dd is going to her dads and I she won't cope stuff posted on here every day. We can't have it both ways - either it takes a village and we chill a bit or we keep it all to ourselves and then look surprised when we don't have time to run the country.

[scottishmummy]

Its the asinine blah of village raising child.no village doesn't raise my weans
We live in urban conurbation.not village.me and my dp raise our weans

[Nerf]

And that's the attitude that says no one else can tell off my child, no one else can have any input except me. And then we wonder why we get asked about children.
Not everyone but a large section.
Asinine? I'd rather my children had input and were reminded of how to behave and interact by my friends and neighbours than we all lived behind closed doors thinking we are perfect parents.

[Bonsoir]

"It takes a village to raise a child" means that parents alone will not suffice to raise a child to integrate society. Children require exposure to lots of different adults during their journey.

[Nerf]

I don't think scottishmummy or I didn't understand the expression; my point is that it's difficult to moan that mums get asked about Childcare/put in a box of baby carer etc and also have the attitude that no-one else gets a say in raising /interacting the children.
From posts on here so many mothers go in for micromanagement - mil is wrong/school is wrong/woman in the street is wrong etc.

[snoofle]

Do mums only want 1/2 input into their children?
1/2 them, 1/2 partner.
I didnt and dont.

[JassyRadlett]

What about what the children's father wants? My husband and I are a partnership in our relationship and in parenting our child. He has just as much to offer as I do, and our son benefits from our different strengths.

And frankly I wouldn't want to be with someone who thought parenting was 'women's work'.

[snoofle]

I guess that I am selfish. I want 3/4 input and him 1/4.
And we are both happy with that arrangement.

[JassyRadlett]

Being completely honest, I'm a little shocked by that.