Justine Roberts: When did mum become a dirty word?

[KateMumsnet]

In 2009, I was asked to send a Mumsnet blogger to join the media corps at the G20 summit. I immediately put the nomination to our online audience, who collectively chose one of Mumsnet's finest minds to represent us – a prolific poster who went by the name of Policywonk.

She was a smart cookie – highly educated with a particular interest in climate change. And, by all accounts, she had a high old time at the summit, rushing from one interview with a world leader to the next.

Afterwards, I quizzed her on what it was like. ‘Amazing,’ she confirmed. But there was something a little odd, she noticed. Whenever she introduced herself as a Mumsnet representative to a fellow member of the media corps, they would start speaking very slowly and deliberately. As if she were a child. But she wasn't a child, she was a mum – and that was the problem.

Over the past half-century in this country, women have made astonishing strides along the road to equality. Schoolgirls are more likely than their male contemporaries to apply to university – and to graduate with a first or upper-second-class degree. The gender pay gap has dropped from 45% in 1970, when the Equal Pay Act was introduced, to around 15% today. And feminism, which seemed to lie more or less dormant through the 1990s and 2000s, has reinvented itself for the digital generation via grass-roots projects such as Everyday Sexism and No More Page Three.

It is, in short, pretty much the best time in history to be a woman – until the moment you get pregnant, at which point all bets are off.

Leaving aside for a moment all the examples of real-world discrimination – and there are plenty of them – that women face when they have children, let's just consider what we've done with the word ‘mum’ itself. ‘Mummy’ is the first word in most children's vocabulary and, during their early years, arguably the most important one: its connotations, from our offspring’s point of view, are overwhelmingly positive. What happens, then, when we become mothers ourselves, and look at the word from the other end of the telescope? Why is it, when adults talk to adults, that we use it so negatively?

Read more of Justine's piece for the July issue of Red magazine here.

[LuisSuarezTeeth]

roker I think the point is that saying you are a SAHM doesn't need further clarification. That is your current role.

scottishmummy if being a mother doesn't define you, why is in your username?

[scottishmummy]

Username cause i couldnt think of anything witty,clever.its just a forum name.not significant
Mumsnet doesn't define me,the username doesn't define me.being a parent doesn't wholly define me

[BitOutOfPractice]

Just as an aside, I hate the word "mum".

It just sounds so folksy and cuddly and...meh!

Mother is, imho, a much better term and might avoid some of the negative reactions that mum gets.

And as an aside on an aside, not everyone in the UK (let alone the rest of the world) calls their mother "mum" anyway. I don't.

[snoofle]

I always laugh too about that
Of all the words to use, she uses mummy!

I will be brave and also say that I think that the ones that do that are the ones that are WOHMs.
They write it because they think it, because they are not there.

[MarshaBrady]

I think it's the words mums net. It is different on here than the first reaction to the name.

[snoofle]

As regards the op.
I dont think anything will change until presenteeism is sorted out.
If mums are not present, or dads are present more, nothing much is going to change, is it?

[snoofle]

And quite frankly, I did lose brain power when I became a mum. It was a bit of a surprise and shock.
Ironically, I only think it came back again when I started using it on mumnet!

[scottishmummy]

Given the dizzying array of usernames on mn i wouldn't take it too literally
Its a forum name,no biggie.i could equally have called myself cuppa tea
Wouldn't make me a cuppa tea or mean that my proclivity defines me

[snoofle]

btw, cant stand the expression "glass ceiling"
There are soooooo many jobs a woman can do beside ones that involve having a roof over you while you work!

[snoofle]

change to scottishcuppatea then!

[scottishmummy]

I almost chose weansnamemummy but quickly cottoned its social faux pas and indiscreet
Id never joined a forum before mn,so didnt overthink the namechoice

[snoofle]

weansnamemummy, would have been worse, that is true

[scottishmummy]

So ironically in my sleep deprived haze i thought scottishmummy thats ok
Was very nearly theweansnamemummy

[elQuintoConyo]

I haven't encountered this and in my last interview (for the job I'm in now) didn't ask anything about children. But I do seethe hearing/reading terms such as yummy mummy and milf - I really hate that one. Although the media in general sees women as fuckable/unfuckable whatever our roles in society are.

[mrsbucketxx]

i hate milf too.

coined by some idiotic man, with no feelings for the women called or not called this.

[bbcessex]

I am genuinely bemused that people think this still goes on. I just don't see it.

I work in a senior role, I earn a high salary (I'm pretty sure I negotiated even harder than some of my male colleagues and earn more than them, not less although I can't confirm this).

I do not encounter discrimination. I do not encounter patronism. I am bloody good at my job, do long hours, manage my family and my work, and am successful at both with the usual blip here and there.

do wonder if this is the usual 'meedja' trying to re-ignite the usual old story (mumsnet?)

[LuisSuarezTeeth]

Fair enough

[JassyRadlett]

Bbcessex, do you think it doesn't exist, or that you've been lucky through either situation or your own character?

As I said above, I've personally done pretty well. I know others in my organisation who are doing less well because of colleagues' assumptions.

Those OECD figures on the pay gap for full time working mothers are sobering.

[bbcessex]

JassyRadlett.. I haven't seen it in my own career, with me or my colleagues.. whether that's our industry, I don't know.. perhaps.

I am sure there are situations where working women have been unfortunate to work for idiots (but this can be true for a number of reasons)... however, I do think in many cases, success or lack of it is down to the individual, and if you don't succeed , it's easier to put it down to other reasons..

[lolabell]

I groaned inside when I read this article in Red. I was so disappointed to read it - I guess it is good that we have the debate, but the fact that we need it at all... I am a lapsed teacher and plan to go back to work part time eventually. With my first born I worked 3 days a week and it was a frantic juggling act.

Now that i am at home I am constantly validating my stay at home status. "What does she do all day?". Particularly to my husband. Also my working mum friends chuckle at the perceived 'state' of my 'mum' brain.

So mums are being grumbled at from every angle whatever they do. Being at home is not seen as work as it isn't paid. Well it is work and it is a job! If you child goes to nursery then the people looking after them are doing a job and so am I.

Whether we wear bad jeans or not isn't the issue.i see plenty of 'working' people in dreadful outfits. This is an issue about women and the status of women generally around the world now and historically. It has always been said that women have to be more like men to get ahead at work. Cue the denigration of mums everywhere for getting in the way of the money making machine.

[bbcessex]

Out of interest... for those who feel they have had a negative work experience because of being a parent.. does this apply to only mums with young school aged children?

Women with teenagers and older children are mums too...

[lolabell]

Precisely. I can't speak as a mum with teenage children. Maybe it gets better! In fact I am sure it does. At the moment I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. I think it's down to a bit of luck in the work place. I know plenty of women who have had a negative experience and they all had young children. I felt I had to work twice as hard when I went back as a new mum. I Think the problem is that working practises in the uk don't really accommodate family life. We have to work around work rather than it working around us. It's a terribly hard conversation to get a conclusion to isn't it?

[bbcessex]

lolabell - it can be, I'm sure. I imagine you've found it tough because you're a teacher.. I guess there's a necessary rigidity to working patterns in that environment?


I think part of my 'success' with balance has been down to the equality between me and my husband too. We've always both been 'responsible' for taking the day off to look after sick DC's (although we have certainly had the 'whose job is the most important that day' row on more than one occasion!).

We've also both shared assemblies, school trips, etc. etc. We both travel with work so we split our schedules. It's not perfect but it's pretty good, and I'm sure neither of our employers feel they get a raw deal because we're parents.

If you have that kind of relationship then I think it's far far easier to achieve more.

[JassyRadlett]

I think that's a really important point. Who's doing the sick days, pickups, etc? I'm another with a true partnership with my husband but it's far from universal.

A big problem is a mother doing all a child's sick days 'because she earns less/her job is less important'. It's understandably frustrating for that person's employer if the burden of sick days isn't being shared. I can see why people do it but it does contribute to the perception in some workplaces that mothers, not parents, are less reliable than their peers.

I've been lucky in my workplaces, including a promotion at 8 months pregnant. But there have been enough subtle things to make me wonder how I would have done if I hadn't had the confidence and the life advantages I've enjoyed.