Doorstep piddling wasn't unusual for me - you know how you're okay right up until you get the key in your lock? Well, my poor neighbour caught me as I was wresting small kids and shopping with a post-coffee-bladder. She chatted away as I tried to disguise that I was bursting (standing on your tip toes works by the way, for a time).
Our relationship was mostly based on exchanging gardening tips and accepting parcels for each other. So, washing her down the driveway in a giant tsunami of my steaming piss was a bit, y'know, socially awkward.
And I had no excuse. I knew exactly what pelvic floor exercises were, how to do them, and why I should bother because I'm a physiotherapist.
No excuse, but, there was a good reason – I was awfully tired. I lived with hundreds of tiny kids who were always trying to maim themselves, and each other, in ever-more inventive ways. I could barely remember my children's names, let alone remember to clench my nether regions.
But the great Dribbly Doorstep Disaster was the motivation I needed.
"Make it a habit" is the advice, so, I did them every time I shouted at my kids' (effective), every time I craved a glass of wine (remarkably effective) and every single time I thought an evil thought about my husband (dry in three months).
Here's the sciencey bit:
One in three women aged 35-55 wet themselves, and, about 50% of women over 55.
70-80% of stress incontinence can be cured with pelvic floor exercises within four months.
Read that again. At least a THIRD of your peers use pads, and MOST of them can be cured.
The exercises are cheap to teach, free to do and don't have any side effects. Unless you count toe curling, panting, blaspheming orgasms as a side effect (ask me how I know).
And it bloody MATTERS. Incontinence quietly disempowers women by interfering with every single thing they do, and yet, few complain. It matters because wetting yourself in the front row of Zumba, means you are unlikely to go back to Zumba (again, erm, ask me how I know), and we know that diseases of inactivity kill people. It matters because being "a bit leaky" is a big deal that can have a huge impact on your long-term well-being.
We silence ourselves. It’s as if we are so ashamed of having less bladder control than our toddler that we'd rather continue to suffer in silence than seek help. I suggest we try being angry and vocal instead, because that’s how taboos change.
Even more silent are the one in ten people who leak poo, or the 50% of women over the age of 50 who have vaginal prolapses. Some wait until they are practically dragging their cervix behind them before seeking help.
It's common to be a bit disengaged with your "down below" because, well, you can't see it. We know that many women find the exercises difficult to do correctly, and that energetic eyebrow wiggling is not an effective alternative.
So, set the scene: You're in a tiny lift with your boss, your MIL and someone you've got a massive crush on. Imagine you can feel a fart brewing. A really nasty one. You know that bum-ole squeezing you do to hold in the mortifying toot? That's you working your pelvic floor. Hold it for a count of 10. When you let go you should feel a "drop" down into your pants. Or you could do 10 quick flicks and relaxes in a row - try doing them in time to the beat of music.
The important thing is to keep breathing and to relax your muscles in between the exercises. Do these three times a day, every day for four months, and then, once a day, every day, until you die. If you get pain, stop and take your bits to a GP or pelvic physio.
And, I'll even remind you via twitter - when I tweet, you twitch your twinkle. Midwives and physios are collaborating with #squeezeandlift. If you see it, do it!
Basic lifestyle changes – like reducing caffeine, citrus and alcohol (so, at least cut out the 'slice' from your rum and coke), controlling hayfever or asthma coughs and (even small amounts of) weight loss can make a huge difference to the amount of leaking you experience.
As with all things, the best place to start is with good information – there are brilliant blogs out there, like Evidently Cochrane, and lots of useful stuff from the CSP and the Bladder and Bowel Foundation. Or, you could even watch me, on a really bad hair day, doing about pelvic floors.
The bottom line is that any leaking at all is abnormal. It is not an inevitable consequence of ageing or parenthood, and you don't need to put up with it.
Watch Elaine's alter ego Gussie Grips take the Edinburgh Festival by storm over on the - and don't forget to subscribe - lots more brilliant videos coming very soon.
Guest posts
Guest post: Stress incontinence - 'Fallen fanjos are a feminist issue'
MumsnetGuestPosts · 21/05/2014 10:55
I would also like to add that I'm very open about my PF issues
stoptalking, I am so glad to hear you say this and hope that there are many other women out there too who talk about it more openly.
I have a personal and professional interest in the subject and I am really relieved that people like gussie exist - not just motivational, enthusiastic specialist physios, but also prepared to 'got public' about this not-very-'sexy'-subject (literally AND figuratively). No politician/public figure is likely to stand up and fight for better incontinence care when there is childhood cancer to 'beat' etc… Much better for the publicity (and of course very, and one could argue, more important in the greater scheme of things).
I had never really thought about it, but gussie makes a very good point in her stand-up routine: Men tend to seek help when their sexual function is affected (i.e. erectile dysfunction), women seem to be almost resigned to the fact that they are unable to achieve an orgasm. Men are more likely to accept a dribble as they age (or skid marks ), but as soon as their 'cock is broke' (nice turn of phrase, gussie! 
) they are NOT HAPPY - and quite rightly too.
Of course many men only want a little blue pill and do not want to be told about PFE and equally it has to be said IME many women would prefer to have the perceived 'quick fix' of a tape, say, rather than having to do exercises several times a day forever…
I am not sure what the solution is - there is much health promotional work going on out there re healthy diet, exercise, smoking alcohol etc but very, very to get people to actually put all the advice in to action.
I wish I knew how to motivate myself enough to regularly do my lardy exercises, never mind other people!
Great post Gussie. So important to raise awareness of these issues. I barely remember anyone mentioning tears in any ante-natal class but here I am still with issues from a fourth degree tear with my DS 2.5 years later. The solution my old colorectal team gave me was use a pessary everyday to flush everything out 
. It didn't even always work and sometimes made things worse. Now we've moved house, I'm taking advantage and trying to get a second opinion.
I wish we'd been given more information in our antenatal classes. I carry the gene for Huntingtons Disease so am likely to be facing incontinence issues in the future anyway. It would have been nice if someone (anyone, even us) had of put two and two together and properly considered the risks of VBAC vs ELCS for someone such as myself. Afterall, I had the HD test specifically so we could make life choices that would minimise HD-related health risks to me and our family (DS is egg donation to avoid passing it on). It is frustrating that for whatever reason, I did not know enough to make a properly informed decision.
Maybe we should just all move to France?
So, ask, (nicely, GPs are people too!), but, seriously, don't put up with it
Hear, hear to that 
Thanks for the app tip - I've got one on my phone, but have never ever actually used it 
.
I am currently trying to do myblardyexercises at every red traffic light - thing is, I am not sure I drive enough to get 3 red lights a day… 
May try that app.
Btw, I am a GP , I have continence issues after 4 kids.
I asked to be referred to a specialist maternity physio after DS3, I think, simply to check that I was doing my exercises right. She was great and agreed (at my request) to do an internal examination while I was doing PFE to confirm I was doing them in the right direction IYWIM. That was I needed/wanted. Do ask and don't be embarrassed. There's too many of us to be coy about it IMO.
Btw, gussie, I am now 48 and 4 years post-DS4, doing myblardyexercises most days and things are still not great (my main bugbear is not being able to run - not even necessarily for exercise but just, ya'know, for the bus/after the kids/in a hurry) and I don't think I can feel some of my innards. After 1.prolonged induction 2.enCS 3.+4.fast and furious VBACs x2 I was wondering how likely I am to be left with some kind of nerve damage that stops innervation to the relevant muscles from working?? Is that a possibility? Orgasms are fine btw
I am not expecting you to diagnose me, I am just wondering whether it is time to see a good urn-gyn person...
It's been a rollercoaster ride these last few years, luckily with enough highs to get us through the lows! DS definitely being one of them
I struggled with my last continence nurse if I'm honest. She was cross with me for not wanting to use the pessaries. I also saw a gyne physio who didn't really know what to do with me. I'm hoping for a better setup at the new place.
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