Guest post: What gay marriage means to my family

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There was a time in my life when I thought I would never get married. Even when I was a child, I never dreamt of meeting the “man” of my dreams and walking down the aisle in a big white gown. Some of my friends used to gush over weddings in films or on the TV, and one friend even had a book filled with clippings of wedding dresses and bouquets. Thinking back, I only attended one wedding as a child, and I was so young the memory is very cloudy. It just wasn't on my mind.

But that was before I fell in love.

When I met Kirsty I fell head over heels in love with her. After only 6 months I was talking to my friends about proposing and asking them for advice on how I should do it. They thought I was going mad. Don’t get me wrong - they loved her - but they never saw me getting married either, especially not before they did!

I planned a romantic break to Paris for Valentine’s Day so I could propose at the top of the Eiffel Tower. Well, that was the plan, until a beautiful summer evening on Brighton beach stole the moment. The sun was setting and we started to feel a bit cold, so we cuddled together and took in the view. I felt a lump in my throat and butterflies in my stomach - I knew this was the moment. I whispered: "will you marry me?" She looked around with a huge smile on her face and immediately said yes. Little did I know, Kirsty had been seconds from proposing herself. In that moment, nothing else mattered; I wanted to shout with joy from the roof tops.

When we announced our engagement, some of our friends and family didn't think it was possible for two women to marry - and in a way they were right. A civil partnership is not the same as a marriage - we would not have the same rights as a ‘husband and wife’. At the time we just wanted to make a commitment to each other, and we felt grateful we were able to stand up in front of our friends and family and express our love for each other by entering into a legal bond.

I wanted everything to be perfect and for the first time, I had visions of the big white wedding. A close friend married in the May before our wedding and it was a beautiful service. When they signed the register - a gorgeous white book - it was picture perfect.

But we had a completely different experience. When the time came to legally sign and confirm our civil partnership, we were not presented with a beautiful register but a badly printed sheet of green paper. Granted, my friend had been married in church - but we didn't have that option.

My wedding day was magical and incredibly emotional, but as I signed that piece of paper I didn't feel special - I just wanted it to be over and I don't like looking back at pictures of it. I felt cheated, that my commitment to enter into a civil partnership with the woman I love most in this world was not as important as the marriage between a man and a woman. When I introduce Kirsty, I refer to her as my wife. In our eyes we are ‘married’ but in the eyes of the law we are ‘civil partners’.

As of the 29th March however, all that will change. I may not have had the chance to sign that beautiful register, but I feel happy that others will. My wife and I were overjoyed the day we heard that the same-sex marriage law had passed through parliament. It was a very emotional time, and we shed a tear together.

We will always see our wedding day as the day we got married, but we can't miss the chance to celebrate the conversion of our civil partnership to marriage. We are already planning a big party for our loved ones, but mostly for our son. For him to be there to witness our marriage and celebrate with us means more than you could ever imagine. Our families are so happy for us, too. They have always been so accepting of our love and that means the world to us. I will hold my wife so tight the day we sign those papers. We are very proud of who we are and the life we have created together. Being gay is not a life choice, we do not choose to love a person of the same sex, just as a ‘straight’ person does not choose to love the opposite sex. It’s within us.

We feel incredibly lucky to live in a world where we are not oppressed or made to live in fear of our lives because of whom we choose to love. This new law is such a big leap forward for the LGBT community, not just for us here in England but across the world. We hope that other countries follow our example. Equality should be a right for everyone.

Velvet I think all the 'tradition' stuff only matters if people have the accompanying attitude, ie that 'man and wife' aren't equal. I wasn't going to not change my name or to dispense with being given away just to make a point - I happen to like the tradition. If my husband were at all misogynistic I would have a problem regardless of what our marriage ceremony had been like!

Lovely post, OP.

But I confess I'm another one who doesn't really understand the difference between a civil partnership and a marriage, beyond the semantics. I'd love it if someone could explain it.

i think it is a small victory over the power of the church in this nation if anything. religion tried to, and previously suceeded in, claiming ownership of the word and concept of 'marriage' hence what was offered to gay people having to be something else in the form of CP.

the church/mosque/synagogue in this country has now lost that high handed ownership. it remains able to dictate what it recognises and what it will take part in but it has lost the right to dictate what other people can call marriage or the societal and legal definition.

this is a good thing imo and i genuinely hope it's the first in many retractions of special privileges of religion whereby they not only avoided being subject to equality legislation but got to influence what happened outside of their domain. re: not only getting to refuse to marry gay people but being allowed to dictate that society could not recognise gay people as being 'married'.

Cointreau, I think the main difference (not considering tax or legal ramifications), is that 'marriage' signifies a cultural acceptance and respect for the couple. It places a 'seal of approval' on the couple, as it were, and says 'You belong, you're ok'.

A civil partnership is, in essence, a 'consolation prize'. It says, 'Yy, you're together, but don't think for a moment that we (society) really respect your relationship. But here, have this so you'll (hopefully) shut up and go away'. It implies that the relationship has less 'value', as it were, or is less worthy of respect.

imho

Wonderful post.

Cointreau, I think the main difference is that up until the change in legislation, my sister and I both grew up thinking one day we'd meet someone we loved and get to marry. But because I'm straight and she's gay, I got to marry the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and she didn't. Even though her relationship was every bit as loving and supportive and socially useful as mine.

I think these changes, though apparently only semantic, are huge. When parents used to find out their children were gay, so much anxiety came with the worry about what they, and their children, were losing because of that. Once we get rid of those losses, those socially constructed losses, then more and more negative baggage slips away.

The analogy another friend recently used about the shortcomings of civil partnerships being 'the same but different' - if you have two drinking fountains and one is for the white kids to drink from and one for the black kids… both sets of kids are getting water, so surely there's nothing wrong with that? There's plenty wrong with that, and there's plenty wrong with saying that some things should be denied to a couple just because of their sexuality.

If we break down all social and legal barriers to murder, murder still remains socially damaging. If we break down all social and legal barriers to homosexuality, then there's nothing wrong with being gay. And, we're pretty much nearly there!

Finally, a plug - Channel4 tonight, Our Gay Wedding: The Musical. I helped make it happen and I hope it captures the remarkable nature of Saturday 29th, and at the same time, beyond the extraordinary musical talent of the grooms and their families and friends (legally we got one shot at those vows, sung live, no stopping, no retakes) it's possible to see just how 'normal' their love for each other is.

Mammina and Acrossthepond - thanks for explaining so eloquently. That has given me a much clearer perspective (easy to miss from the "other side of the fence").

Mammina I watched it and thought it was brilliant - not just the performance and the sheer effort thg must have gone into it, but it was so personal, and I thought the film while the Erasure guy was singing was brilliant - they really used the opportunity to be thought-provoking and get the message across. Fantastic