To move or not to move??

[Nannycrisp]

I’m in a dilemma as to whether I should move closer to my only grandchild?

I’m currently a 3.5-4hr drive away and would love to be closer and to be a bigger part of their life. I would love to be a hands on grandma, to babysit, to take on day trips, to just be there.

Where I live I have a great circle of friends and both my sibling's live within a 10 mile radius, I enjoy my work as well as having a successful part time business.

I would also love the adventure of moving to a completely different area and also to have a bit of capital from the sale of our house to improve quality of life.

Has anyone else made this sort of decision and how did it work out, good or bad .

You say 'i' but then 'our' 🤔 I think you need to check with parents first how involved they would want you to be

You sound awesome OP. But I think the best thing is to speak with your child. How would they feel about the move. Any hint of you don’t need to do that Mum then I would not.
You need to be prepared to build a new life with new friends. You can’t live in their pockets. Good luck with your decision 🥰

My parents live 4-4.5 hours away from me but are still very much hands on grandparents. They visit regularly and they are my first port of call if I ever need a babysitter. They will stay over at our house if I need an overnight babysitter or stay in a local hotel if I’m also at home. Our children are very close to my parents. The distance makes no difference to that whatsoever.

You need to have this discussion with your child & their partner and find out if they want you to be that kind of grandparent first.

If they do then you need to find out what else there is in the area for you and how you are going to build a new life for yourself outside of being a grandparent.

My parents lived abroad but wanted this. My mum had a frank conversation with me, would you want us living nearby? How involved could we be? Will we see much of you? Etc. I was absolutely delighted they would be moving nearby and we had some wonderful years when we were fully in each other's lives and they could come to Sports Days, school plays etc and babysit. (Unexpectedly my mum passed just 4 years later, I am so glad we had that time all together).
Ask your daughter OP and if she also would love it, do it! I am a strong believer we have to live our lives to the full and in the present.

My in laws live 10 minutes from us and aren't involved at all but my parents 30 minutes and are fully involved however I like the small distance that they are not in my pocket but close enough for day visits and occasional babysitting , I would be gutted if they moved further afield , maybe consider moving closer but still have a bit of distance if your dc aren't overly sure about you being in their immediate vicinity.

I would be concerned about giving up so much of your life. My parents live not far from me and they are very active in my child’s life but he’s 8 now and his weekends are taken up with sports, and friends and birthday parties. So while he still sees them a lot it’s not as hands on as it once was

I would be cautious about uprooting the life you have made for yourself, particularly as it sounds so rich (a great friendship circle, job satisfaction, running your own business, close family nearby - so many boxes ticked). Have you discussed this honestly with your daughter? How involved would she want you to be? Just as important, how involved would her partner want you to be? (Having in laws on the doorstep isn’t for everyone). And where does this leave you once your grandchild is well into school age and more on their own schedule with friends, groups, extra-curriculars etc?

You mention that this is your only grandchild but not if you have any other children. If you do, is it possible they will have children too? If so, would you move again to be with them? If not, how would you split your time fairly between them?

Do you have any time or freedom to travel? Could you make some? Would extended trips to stay with or near your daughter satisfy the itch to be involved but allow you each to keep your independence? Would trips or holidays staying at yours be an option as your grandchild gets older? (Many children have fond memories of staying with their grandparents over holidays - the novelty of being somewhere new and getting to spend quality time can be a real treat).

I’m speaking as someone who has uprooted their lives more than once to relocate to a new area, the last time to be near family with young children. Sometimes reality is different to expectation. It is easy to take the fullness of life that comes with having well established roots within an area for granted until it is gone. Isolation and loneliness are very real by comparison.

Thank you all for all your advice, certainly given me somethings to consider.
i also didn’t want to be in their pockets, so to speak.
thinking of being within an hours drive, a reasonable distance but close enough.
although we have all joked about moving closer maybe i need to have a serious conversation with them both. 🤞

Yeah excellent good! Glad you’re gonna talk to the parents. My MIL moved for her first grandchild. She has done nothing but complain because she doesn’t see him enough, then too much, then they have to drive him everywhere, but they are always too busy for her. It was literally a condition before we got married that she is not going to move closer to us (between me and husband, I just smile and play as dumb as he is to her insults to my face)!

the mentioned grandchild is now 7, I’ve been in the family since he was 6 and I’d still never want her closer, she has literally NEVER spoken a good or kind word about her own daughter (kids mom) and I’d rather not be painted in that light.

an hour away is nice, but I would never trust the lady, and I’d be livid if I suddenly had to tolerate her interrupting our lives on a weekly basis (husband just runs away with his father who is lovely). And moving to be close is invasive and comes with expectations/pressure whatever. So yeah. Conversations. Really hard to have though if there isn’t a good relationship there (and my MIL is delusional about a lot of things, including her relationship with her son, daughter and husband- who all just lie to her, which is extremely uncomfortable for me who can’t lie. So even a perceived good relationship may not be) just REALLY consider who and what you’re doing it for and what you’re giving up (you sound much more sound of mind than mine, who I really don’t mind as a human if she was a parents friend, but seeing what she puts her kids through, I just wouldn’t trust her with my kids - and I trust random strangers!) and really listen for subtext and uncomfortable pauses/hesitation.

edit/flip side- I would love my parents closer. Both my husband and I are comfortable with them, they love us and go out of their way for us all the time, and ensure they treat us equally with my brother. But I know they wouldn’t be invasive. And they would be doing their own thing.

so not all good or bad! Just depends on relationship.

Thank you, I appreciate your time in responding.

when I talk about the move it would be myself , my husband and my daughter who still lives with us at the age of 37, as she is can not afford to move out. Part of the reason for wanting to move is for her to have the opportunity to move to an area that is more affordable for her as well.

My son has married a lovely lady and we’ve always got on well , I don’t want to be in their pockets or be a burden to them just to be there if needed and to hopefully see more of my grandson than I do now.

I was thinking that I would see my grandson weekly but still build a life for my husband and myself , he’s just reached retirement age but continues to work (self employed) I have another 3 yrs and want to continue to work for as long as possible.

we currently live in a beautiful area but housing is expensive and there are no real opportunities for singles to live independently, I worry about my daughter and how she would manage when we’re gone, to help her to move on as well would give my husband and I peace of mind.

i think what I/we worry about is that whilst our grandson is still only 5mths old we could and would be more a part of his life but that may not last once he’s at school.

in putting these thoughts to pen here I/we have realised we are wanting to do this for many reasons and that’s probably better than moving just for one!!