Uninvolved grandparents -AiBU?

[Toffifee1]

Q: Should we ask just write the grandparents off?

My inlaws are no help(MIL) and completely uninterested(FIL drops off a present and leaves grandkids/our birthdays as soon as he finished his cake) and since we‘re struggling a little with a baby and a toddler and no couple time, we are starting to feel a little resentful, DH has said things like „that is how often we‘ll visit them in nursing home“.

DH has tried to talk to both of his parents, i have invited them multiple times, too.
MIL does come over for coffee, but not for childcare, which i guess is not helpful but still nice enough, FIL and his wife came once after my husband asked repeatedly and tried to guilttrip them into taking our toddler to the playground. Apparently they had lots of fun .. and they never repeated it in the year since.
they live a 12&30 minute drive away.
MIL is also pretty exhausting because she loves to talk about her digestion and learned to always put her own needs first in therapy…

At this point i think we should simply accept that it‘s a cordial „no strings attatched“ type of relationship with his parents as they‘re not obligated to help their grown children, nor will we feel bad about not visiting them too often when they need our help. But so far whenever they needed help(moving, home repairs, installing tech,..) we showed up and i suppose we‘ll continue to do so... They‘ve also both looked after their ageing parents and had lots of childcare from DHs grandparents(GMIL lived in the same house and had DH&BIL every day).

(btw they don‘t have other grandkids, are fit enough for whole day cycling trips and sailing vacations and work 4(SMIL&FIL) and 2(MIL) days per week, MILs unemployed or parttime working lifestyle are funded by the money she inherited from her mother and she‘ll eventually run out of it and we‘ll be paying her nursing home.)

Anyone in a similar situation? WWYD?

There‘s an „ask“ in the question that doesn’t belong there..

I really feel like writing mine off too. They live 200 miles away but we are the ones always visiting them. They don't txt or call unless it's something important or they want something. We asked to go down to visit and were told no, they were all too exhausted. DH was devastated but he couldn't say anything because he doesn't want to rock the boat. Whereas I was ready for a war. Thing is, we've discussed their ignorance of us and our kids before and we were told that they just let us get on with it because we are capable, while his siblings (1 of which has kid) gets all the help imaginable. It's infuriating.

IMO, you don't need them so why bother...but they are your DH family and one day they won't be here. You don't want him resenting you then.

I really do feel for you (hugs)

Have you actually asked for help, or are you just hoping they’ll offer? I would be a bit put out about being “guilted” into taking the DGC to a playground - let me know, please, what is expected in advance. Is it possible they don’t visit very often because of this? Could it be that they are not comfortable with looking after the GC - maybe MIL is worried something will go wrong? You say, “MIL comes over for coffee but not for childcare” - perhaps she thinks she is being asked over to see the GC and spend some time with you, rather than being expected to look after the GC on her own. Is it possible that your PIL feel more comfortable with older children? My MIL was useless with babies and toddlers, but a great Granny to my children once they were a little older. I think you need to find out exactly what the situation is - and it may just be that they don’t want to be “hands on” grandparents, in which case there’s nothing you can do about it, but they’re still your children’s DGP and perhaps when they are a little older the children will want a relationship with them.