How can I stop granny interfering?

[lovemybabes]

Hi grannies and grandpas,

Please can I have some advice or hear your stories. My mother in law is, in my opinion, trying to have a second parenthood with my children. I want her to be a grandmother.

Ominously, the first time I ever met her, she mentioned during dinner that she was worried that because she only had sons, she wouldn't see as much of her grandchildren as the DIL's mum.

This paranoia has continued. I want her to be close to my children. But she insists for instance on looking after my three year old son at her house, once a week for up to nine hours. Collecting him from nursery right by our house and then driving him miles to her house and bringing him back. She has her husband backing her up that this is the most logical way, rather than helping out at our house. And my partner says it makes sense.

And any attempts to politely distance myself just a little fail because she interferes. Eg. she asked when DS's school holidays were and I said I wasn't sure (I honestly wasn't at the time in fact), she then goes to the school and finds out herself and then tells me she wants to see him then. So I can't make plans for the holidays spontaneously with my own kids because she has already booked herself in.

I can't stand this. Why can't she let me have my time as a parent? She had hers. I think she really wished she had more children (she stopped at two) and feels she now has the right to bring up mine. I adore my kids (we also have a baby daughter) and see time slipping by so quickly. I love endless days with them without plans.

But isn't there a distinction between bringing up children and being a grandparent? I want to find a solution because at the moment the only one I can think of is to move my family abroad!!

Am I selfish to think that they should be happy just seeing us on family occasions (Sunday lunches etc.) and babysitting when their son and I want to spend time together? We already regularly spend a week in the summer all together and I don't object to that, it's the day to day involvement that I object to.

I loved my grandparents dearly, but they didn't bring me up.

Thanks for listening!

i don't think it is entirely fair that the GPs should only babysit when you and your DH want to go out

WRT to her having him for 9 hours - not sure what the issue is. Perhaps she wants to give you the time to spend with your DD?

i think this is a situation where your DH needs to step in to lay down some ground rules so everyone is happy

and i assume you are joking about moving abroad?!

Well I'm with you, Lovemybabes. I would not want the kind of interference you are getting. Can you not firmly tell her one week that you are collecting ds from school yourself (the day she has him 9 hours) because you are doing xyz with him, thank you very much.

Grandparents have no rights whatsoever; neither do they have obligations. Any care of your children should be with your agreement, if not at your request. If you do not want to agree for any reason whatsoever, that is your right.

I think you are probably right, that she wanted more than 2 children herself and has been frustrated by that. It is not your problem, however, and it is more important that you restrict her relationship with your dc to that of grannie, to protect their feelings when she eventually dies, which may well be while they are still very young for a major bereavement.

Does your MIL not have any hobbies of her own that she wants to be a second mother to your kids. I have my own life but gladly give up anything if asked to look after my grandchildren. Maybe she likes to have your son at her house because she wants to show him off to her friends. I have 2 grandchildren who live abroad and I would just love them to be nearer to see them more often so just have to visit as often as possible and love to have them here for holidays. Don't know what your solution is but it is not worth falling out over.

am not sure I would like that level of interference either but on the flip side you could use it more to your advantage and on the days she does have them do the things you can't do with them freeing up the other days for you and your kids

my parents have not been up to visit for at least 6months, I have to drive through to see them - they use illness as an excuse but still manage to look after nephew for days on end

my inlaws manage over to visit once a year if we're lucky, too busy helping sil with her three dc (youngest of whom is 8) and have just announced that they will be on a med cruise when I am due to have this one, their 4th holiday of the year, 2nd one in july within 2wks of each other

it is a pain and you have a right to be annoyed but there is a worse alternative, trust me. Its heartbreaking for me to acknowledge how little my kids grandparents want to have with them

Hi
Grandparents only enjoy rights bestowed from the parents. They should show respect that the children are your responsibility and therefore they should try to dance to your tune. I would definitely limit her time with your children as it is going to become a diffcult influence as they bond more over time. If she supports your methods and never undermines your authority then she could be a cool grandma, but there are no grandparents access without parental consent. Nor should there be as they have had their time their way to raise children and you now must have your turn.
Dont listen to people-pleasers about not rocking the boat. Dont be blackmailed by the grandparents' needs, they are inconsequential compared to your job as parent with your children.
You only have one chance to do the most important job in the world, make sure grandparents are only helping you with this and never allow anyone to hinder your role. It doesnt matter what other people think or practice - Your parenting is YOUR choice. You are allowed to be different.
I hope you can find the courage to politely take your stand as the parent. I know it is SO HARD but your children deserve to have full confidence in YOU!!

I think the one day she has your oldest sounds ok but I wouldn't put up with someone else deciding when they were going to have my children in the holidays. Next time there are school holidays plan out (buy a diary if you don't have one) what days you are going on days out with them, meeting friends and also days for you to just hang about together baking or painting or whatever. If she says she is having the children on one of those days just say "no we have plans, how about wednesday?"

I'm not saying never let her look after your children but you don't have to let her dictate exactly when she has them. Some give and take is neccesary and you need to stand up for yourself. (Invite her for lunch as well)