Uninvolved Granddaughter

[Elliecat7]

I moved house to be closer to my daughter when she gave birth to my only grandchild. I’ve made efforts over the years to develop a bond with my granddaughter. I’ve given her extravagant gifts at birthdays and holidays. I’ve tried to involve her in one on one conversations. I’ve made arrangements to teach her to sew, spent craft days with her, taken her out to lunches, etc. now she is 17. Last year I wrote her a booklet telling her what it was like for me growing up, different facts about our family, and stories about pets and different incidents to try and open some communication between us. But she doesn’t show any interest and keeps her phone in front of her even at dinner or spends time in her room watching tv when I visit. I’ve told my daughter about this hoping she would guide my granddaughter. I recently had a serious falling out with my daughter and she stopped speaking to me for several months. My granddaughter’s birthday fell during that time. I didn’t feel comfortable reaching out to her since her mother wasn’t talking to me and because I hadn’t heard from my granddaughter in months. I had a gift for her but I set it aside and wished her happy birthday on social media. This angered my daughter who called me saying it was my responsibility to reach out to my granddaughter because she is a child. My granddaughter is 17 years old. At what age should a grandchild be expected to reciprocate in maintaining a relationship? Am I being unreasonable to expect to hear from my granddaughter? We live 15 minutes apart. To add to this, she gives the most inexpensive and thoughtless gifts possible when I spare no expense on her. For example, she give’s homemade crafted gifts, one of which was one of my high healed shoes I had given to her mother which she had crafted into a ring holder. I was offended. Please give me your thoughts. Thank you.

At what age should a grandchild be expected to reciprocate in maintaining a relationship?

She spent time and effort hand making you a gift. As an adult you take it and say thank you, regardless of what you actually think about it. Maybe she had no money and thought you would like the gift she made?

My DGM lived a 40 min drive away but when I passed my test at 17 I used to visit every week. However, you can’t force a relationship so nothing should be expected. Tbh if your fallout was with your DD I’m not understanding why you then chose to not take the gift to your granddaughter on her birthday, why punish her for you falling out with your DD? Maybe your actions around this, & how you are in general, are partly why she chooses not to make more of an effort in reciprocating, or maybe she’s just a selfish, self absorbed teen? Without knowing her side it’s impossible to say.

Thanks for your thoughts. My granddaughter has more in the bank than I do but doesn’t spend it on others. It seems to me that her hand made gifts are the result of her having fun creating something rather than thoughtfulness. In the case of the gift I mentioned, I had given my daughter several pairs of expensive dressy heals that I didn’t wear anymore. I assumed she would wear them, but since I gave them to her, she could do with them what she wished. So she gave them to her daughter to make crafted items from and I received one back from her. I did say thank you and never revealed my true feelings. My daughter and I had a falling out in June. My granddaughters birthday was September. I hadn’t heard from her in months prior to the argument. As she is influenced by her mother, I didn’t feel comfortable reaching out to her, especially since she knew I was in emotional pain and still didn’t reach out to me. I withheld my gift, not to punish her, but because I dislike being disingenuous. I told her mother I would put it aside to a later time when we weren’t all at odds. My falling out with my daughter happened because she invited a man she met online to come stay at her home for a week. She had only been corresponding with him for three weeks. I told her that I thought she was being reckless and that caused all hell to break loose with her showing great disrespect and contempt for me. She grabbed my arm and twisted it leaving me bruised for a week and heartbroken that my only child would treat me in such a manner. She is in her 40’s and I am 64. I was a single mother and made sacrifices for her all her life. For her to have treated me like that and to have spoken to me in such a way showed how little she appreciated my efforts. I have not interfered in her life as an adult, always tried to give her space and be supportive. But I can’t be supportive of a decision that I think could be dangerous to her. So this is how I am in general, caring, supportive, thoughtful, and self-sacrificing. You’re right, I should expect nothing in return and I won’t be disappointed.

Can’t get past you expecting her to be grateful for your second hand shoes…

I gave them to my daughter not my granddaughter as I explained so I didn’t expect for her to be grateful and I surely didn’t rxpect them back as a crafted gift either.

You are being unreasonable both in that you expect much out of a 17 year old and that you expect your relationship with her to be transactional.

My mom was a lot like this. I finally decided that when no gift is good enough, nothing it is.