Newbie (delurker) alert

[GreyhairedWorrier]

I've lurked here, off and on, for some time. I have two sons, one almost 21, the other just past 17 and I've spent the past twenty years working with Other People's Kids in a range of different settings, from childminder through children's worker in a radical feminist organisation to a residential school for extremely disturbed children, to "toddler taming".

For the first time in my life I find myself in need of a bit of help and support, and I guess I should have joined earlier and offered some myself, but there always seemed to be useful stuff posted anyway...

I'll stop waffling.

My younger son has just announced that his GF (18) is pregnant and she's keeping it. The baby is due before his 18th birthday and I'm struggling to look pleased about it.

Actually, I'm not even struggling.

I'm not pleased, though I know I should be, and even that I will be, and I know I'll love the baby once it's here, and once I'm over the shock I'll be resolutely practical about everything.

But are there any other "grannies" out there who felt the same?

Mine are still little, GW, so I haven't any advice - just wanted to say "welcome".

It's a slow time for MN - what I suggest is that you bump this thread in the (UK time) morning, because I'm absolutely sure there are people here who've been in your situation and can help.

Good luck, and keep posting.

Hello GW,

Another one who has a small child here, just wanted to say Hi & welcome.

Hopefully when the shock has worn off you will be happier for them, it is understandable that you aren't pleased, no one says you have to be.

Someone will be along later with better advice, no doubt! But don't beat yourself up about it..I am sure it is a natural reaction, as they are still so young.

i am grandma to four,my grandson died nearly a year ago due to sids shortly after dd was pregnant again,i was terrified cried buckets full ,i felt so disloyal to my grandson,like he could be replaced.in september she was born she is bloody fantastic ,seven weeks old now ,and the double of her brother.this week the paramedic who lives local and tried so hard to bring us back our little man,asked if he could meet her and said he was amazed she was like his twin only fatter.you will love this child so much ,i promisex

Have you spoken to her about it, GW? Do you know how committed she is to having it, and her reasons? How pregnant is she? Are you in contact with her parents?

I only ask because a very good friend and former colleage of mine told me in the summer that her dd was expecting a baby. I was shocked, to say the least, not only because she was a sweet, innocent, bridesmaid at our wedding, but she would also be only 15 when the baby was born. Everyone, it seems, had tried to talk her out of having it, but she was adamant.

Now she has a beautiful, 4mo dd, and her b/f has turned himself into the police, hopefully to start off his parenthood with a clean slate. A dad of dd2's friend is a teacher in her school, and she returned in the autumn and is doing fabulously with her studies. We met up a few times in the summer for coffee/lunch and she is the most devoted, mature, loving mum you could hope for.

Welcome

I'm not a granny, but your post made me think of how my mother reacted to my pregnancy about 5 years ago. I'm not saying your reaction is the same but it is making me think back. She was very upset, cried a lot, wailed a lot about me losing my life, my future, my career, made me feel really awful (and made my DH feel like a turd), and all this because she was stunned that her first born was going to be a mother and was scared that I would dedicate my life to my new child instead of my career after all the effort I had put in to it....

and my age?.... 27!!!!!

It took her a few months to get used to my pregnancy and for me to stop hearing that disapproving tone in her voice every time I talked to her. It probably wasn't even there but her initial reaction made me paranoid and scared of sharing the fun parts of the pregnancy with her.

Once my DS arrived she did OF COURSE turn in to a big blob of goo and has been utterly soppy over him from day one! He can do no wrong, he is perfect, he is the most beautiful child on earth (along with his younger cousin) etc etc etc.

Ok, so I've waffled a bit now but my points are:

1. your reaction is normal; you are scared of the effects of the baby on your son's life; it is not how you thought his adult life would start.
2. From my own POV I would have preferred not to know that my mother felt disappointed because it is one of the first things I remember about my pregnancy, and always will be. Your DS and his GF must be terrified/nervous/excited... let them get used to it without added pressure. They are most definitely not children now. Don't let yourself continue to see them as children at a time when they are trying to grow up.
3. Your DS and GF will probably adjust very well and grow up in the process. It is a life experience. Help them enjoy it.

And Congratulations! You are about to be given a very important job - being a grandmother. My grandmother was the most loving and wonderful on earth (we are not prone to exaggeration in this family, as you can tell! ) and will always be my role model. You are privileged now - you can give all your love to a brand new little person. Enjoy it.

Thanks, all of you, for your replies. I haven't spoken to the mum-to-be just yet, (since the announcement, though I can't say I know her well anyway) and even my son has clammed up on me since the initial announcement (not completely, he's still asking about things he's not sure about, but he's not open to general discussion) and I think everyone is a bit too delicate at the moment. It doesn't help that my husband and I were away for four nights on a pre-booked anniversary "long weekend" right after our son broke the news...(which is why it's taken me this long to get back here).

(Sorry for so many brackets )

I'm trying not to rehearse my worst nightmares, that she "does a Vi" (Corrie fans might understand the reference, sorry to anyone else) while expecting my son to support the little one. And I know that makes me sound like an utter bitch.

GHW Welcome to gransnet have replied on the other thread, all I can say is being a gran is fantastic, love it love DGDto the moon and back, and cant wiat till DS and new DDIL have more for me to spoil

(sorry DDIL I promise I wont honest)

Having said on the other thread that I'm now over the first shock and suspicions I suppose a wee girl would be nice...