Is it me?

[angieloumc]

I have 4 children, 2 grown up and 2 living at home (18 just about to go to uni and 11 yr old). My 2nd son and his wife have a beautiful little boy who is now 13 months old.
In February myself and the other grandma started looking after DGS approx 1 day a week. However this has now changed to me having him 1 long and 1 short day and the other grandma 1 short day per fortnight approx.
I do obviously have my other 2 children at home and have to especially consider my 11 year old. She adores my grandson and loves being with him. My DS and wife have fixed ideas on naps, food etc which is fine by me but they have wanted me to text them with what I call a blow by blow account of what my DGS does at my home. What happens is it goes like this; DS texts me 'how's the boy', I text back 'he's fine'. I think this is ok unless he isn't fine then I will tell them. One or both of them will then FaceTime in their work breaks which is also fine. But they want me to text with info as in; he's had x amount of sleep, has had x to eat etc etc. I can tell my DIL this when she collects him so am a little cross they expect me to have my phone stuck to my arse all day to reply instantly.
However it has come to a bit of a head today. My DD is on half term and this morning GS was napping when my son rang asking why is not replied to his text 30 mins earlier. I was explaining I'd put baby down then prepared lunch when my DD brought GS down from upstairs as he'd woken and was crying. She has never done this before and said it was as I was on phone. I told her in hearing of my son that she mustn't carry him downstairs as he's too little. Came off phone and reiterated to her in future to just wait, and she understands it may not be safe. All fine then an hour later my DS phoned back again to berate me about DD fetching baby down and wanting me to 'tell her off'. I said I wasn't telling her off as she'd done it with the best of intentions and now knew not to do it again. He wasn't happy and then brought up my not giving them enough info when I have GS.
He then came with DIL to pick up baby and took me outside to berate me again on both things. I said I would do as they ask and let them know everything baby does though I think it's a little over the top as I have managed to bring up 4 kids of my own most of that time as a single working mum.
Son has gone off sulking now though is taking 11 year old with baby to soft play on Friday so she can play with him. I did ask him not to have a go at DD as he often does if he think she's in the wrong. Cue more sulking and telling me daughter should grow up!
I often have a bit of a difficult relationship with DS and walk on eggshells quite a bit. Obviously me looking after DGS twice a week means they save awful lot of money and I'm just feeling rather unappreciated and as if they don't trust my judgement. I do accept that the baby 'is his world' as he put it but my DD is my priority and I'm not having her told off by her brother when it's dealt with.
I think I look after DGS perfectly well, my son says he's temperamental but he's really the most placid baby even er. I wonder if a lot of GPs struggle like this. I feel like telling my DS to bugger off if I'm not looking after their child right, and then they can pay a nursery instead. I also questioned whether other gran has to do the same thing but he says she texts back immediately with all details (though she has no other kids and a husband there).
Eeh I have gone on, just wanted to offload!

Yes. Tell your DS to bugger off!
The whole "how long did he sleep for, what has he eaten, what happened when" etc is totally unreasonable.

Nurseries generally do a little daily report with this kind of info on - but they're paid to do that. Maybe could suggest this - if you feel like you want to, so all you do is simply hand them the 'report' at the end of the day. That won't help you with the texts and phone calls though. I get so irritated with my DCs when they say "I texted you but you didn't reply...".

No, I WAS BUSY

You are so good to be helping them, but this is the get out clause should you wish to use, it I feel.

Suggest they into alternative childcare.

Have a conversation with them about there expectations vrs your reality see how that goes before telling them to look for alternative childcare

I wonder why the other granny doesn't look after him much anymore

I'm not a gran I'm a mum Of a 7 and 2 year old and I think your son is being really demanding and rude. If my mum or mil was looking after my little 2 year old I would be thrilled. 2 days free childcare would save me a fortune and I'd love that he was with his Grandma.
Some people are so ungrateful.

Maybe you should sit down and make it clear what you feel is a suitable feedback method and tell them it's that or nothing.
Face timing in the day is crazy!

I think you have been extremely patient. Perhaps you could tactfully explain that all the information they're looking for is interfering with your ability to look after your grandson properly. Offer to keep a note of all the naps and meals and so on. But if that's not enough I would suggest they ask somebody else. I'm not a gran by the way, I have 4 kids and my parents looked after my first two when I was working. I paid them and am still very grateful for the massive help they gave. I do remember feeling very anxious leaving my first, and had an urge to check in constantly, not because I doubted he was being well looked after but because I hated leaving him. But I knew better than to give into the urge because I didn't want to be a huge pest. Your son and his wife definitely need a little nudge to realise they are being unreasonable. Your daughter sounds like a pet, by the way. Good luck

This is completely off the wall - they must be the most anxious parents ever!!

I look after two GC each on a different day in the week and I just get on with it. Sometimes for fun a GC and I will get together and send Mum a message at work from my laptop; and very occasionally I will send an email if I am looking after a sick child just to reassure them that all is well and to report back on how they are (e.g. I have given a dose of Calpol at x time).

I just would not be able to cope with such intensive scrutiny. My DDs trust me to look after their children well as they know how much I love them - if your DS and his wife do not trust you sufficiently to leave you to it, I cannot imagine why they leave him with you at all!

I'm not a GP but I have a 2.5 year old. If some one takes her out I don't expect a blow by blow account of what's happening! Like you said you can tell them when your GS gets picked up. As for telling off his sister, it's not his place. He's being totally unreasonable and he should appreciate you on all counts including money.

Tell him if he'd rather use a nursery he can. They will not pander to constant texts and calls! They may jot nap times and what he eats in a notebook along with a note if a milestone - such as put one block on top of another. Perhaps that may be an easier way for you because you can do it when you have a spare minute. However I have to say even the nursery had days where it didn't get filled in.

This is so sad. I have no one to help me and I would really appreciate any help from GPs! Offer to do a little diary in a note book like our Nanny does.

Woke up - 7oz of milk
went to playgroup and saw so and so , loved the dancing.

lunch - ham tomatoes cucumber and dairylee cracker.

Sleep 3 hours

Etc... takes the nanny 2 mins to do and we know that we're not duplicating meals etc.

Bless you can you be my two's adopted granny?

You're doing them a huge favour and it sounds like they are taking all this lovely free childcare for granted.

I would put the ball back in their court, and tell your son that you love having your GS but if they are feeling anxious about the arrangement you would quite understand that they might prefer paid childcare. In fact their anxiety is impacting on you so maybe they really should explore alternatives?

Then see what you DS has to say!

I can't believe the demands they are making on you.... I was always deeply grateful to DM whenever she looked after DD and only expected to hear how things had gone when I took her back..... I don't agree with combative stance suggested by others just yet but do suggest that you propose a conversation with DS about how you can make it work better for both of you... reassuring him that you love looking after DGC (assuming you do and want to continue the same amount) but that there are things you would like to work better for you if the arrangement is to continue... As other posters said, there's no way they'd get FaceTime and endless reports through the day from other carers - except possibly a first time nanny.... I think you need to be clear about what works for you and explore ways of giving them info they want in other ways, such as notebook suggested by others.... perhaps ask them to explore with other parents what feedback they get - and then they'll start to realise how much they are over demanding. Good luck - not easy!

Maybe they're asking you for the information, not because they don't trust your judgement (they must do otherwise they wouldn't leave their child with you) but more because they miss him and with the information about what is is up to, they don't feel so detached from him.

He's only 13 months, he's away from his parents and they miss him. They absolutely could be a bit more reasonable about the way they handle the need for information, but maybe you could cut them a little slack too. Wanting to know what their child is up to is not normally a criticim of someone's parenting/childminding skills but simply wanting to know what theyre missing out on.

I’m not a GP, but this sounds like bloody hard work.

Stop walking on egg shells and tell your DS to get a grip. Is this his first child?

Maybe get his father to have a word about the fact that you have managed to raise 4 DCs without filling a report every time you do something.

Did you sort it?
I look after my 7 year old grand daughter- I have almost brought her up tbh - and sometimes my son complains I let her stay up too late etc. My message always the same “look after her yourself then - oh no, you can’t, can you?” I do put up with a lot of nonsense from him though I must admit!

Honestly you sound like a great Grandma and your DD sounds like a real sweatheart not only should your DS and DIL be really thankful for what you doing for them they should be really pleased that you both obviously love they're DS so much.

All of the info they're asking for is honestly what my friends provide but that's because they are childminders and they're being paid and that is part of they're job.

I think your DS and DIL both need to realize that your not the hired help and that is you that's doing them a favour not the other way around.

Is this they're first baby?It could be seperation anxiety,people tend to think that only children suffer from it but quite alot of parents do as well.

If it wouldn't take up to much time would you maybe be able to fill out a scrap book for them?It need not be huge or take long or cost alot of money,just put in there when he had a nap and how long for,what he had to eat,what things he'd done and as he gets a bit older he could draw pictures for his Mum and Dad and you could stick those in there.

It should help Mum and Dad to calm down a bit because it's something tangeable,so they might stop ringing all the time.

But your right that your DS should not be having ago at his little sister.I became an Auntie when I was 7 and I adored my Nephews and Nieces and were still really close now they're adults and have children of they're own and they treat my 5DC like they're younger siblings.

Your DS should be encouraging the relationship between his DS and his sister,it's lovely when they're so close.

Really sorry only just seen the date on the OP.