What do you think of my parents? Honestly?

[Stayworkathomemum]

My partner and i lost our first born daughter (my parents first grandchild) at 25 weeks pregnant, she died in utero from severe preeclampsia. I delivered her via induction the day before my 23rd birthday.

Obviously it was the lowest point in my life, heartbroken and hell. It changed me and has certainly made me the parent i am today. My parents (in their early 50s) had a holiday booked abroad. They flew out the morning i went into hospital to be induced. My mum who i have always been close with wasn't there for me. She told me she didn't enjoy her holiday, although when she talks about it to this day it doesn't sound like she had a bad time. Nor do the photos. Its never been spoken about, I don't know why. When i delivered my daughter my mother in law was there the whole time, she held my hand and i know what she thinks of my mum but she would never say it to me. To top it off when my mum got back she had flowers sent to my MIL to say thanks for being there for me. It was embarrassing.

We then conceived my son a year after losing our baby girl. He's now 7 months old and he is my absolute world, my lil buddy, he smiles at me every morning when he wakes, and was totally worth waiting the worrisome 9 months for.

My mum was there when i delivered my son, was of no help, just sat there whilst my partner comforted me, i had a terrible labour with him they popped my waters early, i couldn't progress to 2nd stage of labour and it ended with ventouse and a 9lb 9oz baby.

My son is my parents only grandchild yet she never is the one to text me or call me asking how we are. Always the other way around. On top of that every time i see them they have a unhealthy habit of bringing up the topic of my daughter like it means so much to them, they have her scan pic in a photo frame in their lounge and my mum tells me that she has a special place in my dads heart and they had a canvas picture made of a photo i took of her feet and have hung it on their bedroom wall! I don't get it all. I feel like screaming at them!

It feels like since i've become a mum/adult shes just stopped taking ownership/responsibility of me as her daughter. I know I'm an adult but she should insist on things and want to be there for me, do you agree?

How would any of you mums feel and how would you react if you had gone through this with your parents?

Thanks

This is a really tough situation.

It sounds like that you love your parents and they love you. But they fall short of what you reasonably expect parents should do and br. This is made clearer by your MIL stepping into that role.

Your mum knows that she should have been there (hence the flowers and the photos).

But you can not control other people's responses. All you can do is control your own reactions. Be very clear with them in the future about any support you need. But be prepared that your mum just doesn't see it.

Have you told her that you felt let down when she wasn't there to support you when your dd was born?

For whatever reason, she obviously can't be there for you at this stage in your life, so you need to accept that and get support from others - your OH being the obvious one when you're pregnant, giving birth, anything to do with your children. I expect you have friends too.

If you don't want to talk about your daughter with her, just say so nicely and keep on saying so.

It's hard to move on from a close relationship with your mum, but she's not going to change and you'll just upset yourself over it - time to move on. You obviously love being a mum to your son, that's what your life is about now. Enjoy it!

Thank you both, i think you have told me what i probably already know and was thinking, about accepting the way she is and the situation, just needed to hear it from an outside view. I have never told her how it made me feel and i think i haven't because I've tiptoed around her because i know she hates confrontation.

Since having my son her actions have certainly caused me to lower my expectations and therefore lower my chances of getting hurt.

Thanks again.

I have never told her how it made me feel and i think i haven't because I've tiptoed around her because i know she hates confrontation

I am very sorry about your daughter, and for the situation you are in now with your mother.

I think you have two options here. Neither is at all easy.

1. You can let it go, without saying anything to your mother. By 'let it go' I mean, genuinely put what she did behind you, try to accept her failure without rancour. Doing this runs the risk of a gradually deteriorating relationship, because actually you cannot get past it, or she and your father continue their thoughtless references to it, or some sudden explosion from you and a breach with your parents for a while or altogether.

1. Or you can speak to her about it. Tell her how you felt at the time and feel now. It absolutely does not have to be a confrontation, in the sense of an angry accusatory encounter. Doing this means taking a risk that your relationship will deteriorate because she shuns you, or because she reacts so badly that you shun her.

I had a similar situation with my own parents. I managed to do Option 2, and then did gradual deterioration followed by explosion anyway, so I am coming from a position of experience, but not expertise. I've never managed Option 1 and accept now that I never will. On some level the anger will always be there, I just have to manage it.

If your mother doesn't do confrontation (neither does mine much) then do you think you've been rather conditioned from childhood not to challenge her, to save her from upset (I have)?

It is time (generally, not just in relation to this) to give yourself permission to state your own needs and feelings to your mother, adult to adult.

Good luck.