Need help

[Rtruth]

I'm dad of 7 month old, who had/has reflux. My dad since day one has been a pain, initially wanting to play rough with our baby (in delicate way) but the reflux would mean this wasn't appropriate. A few minor mentions not to do this didn't work, then more mentions on not moving her about so quickly etc, didn't work. Then he decided to wiggle her when she was crying when sleepy, instead of passing her nicely to my brother which sent me over the top, and I had a go at him. He was clearly distressing her and didn't seem to read what i'd say was obvious signs! My wife was fuming but stayed quiet, and my mum apologised. They left, and having to take LO to doctors as reflux was so bad we got her sorted. Did my dad apologise? NO. He seemed to blame it on us, but it then got better.

This was 2 months ago, and the reflux died down a bit, but he now decides he wants to do things at the wrong time. Examples - grabbing her nose to wipe it, when shes nearly asleep. Trying to play with her when she first wakes up and isn't really awake/wants to go back to sleep. Ignoring her when shes playing, but as soon as she shows tired signs, he wants to play.

What do I do! Its annoying me, my wife and nothing I seem to say makes him realise he is doing opposite to what we want!

I don't want to argue with him or my mum, but its putting strain on my relationship with them, and with my wife.

Hi Rtruth, sorry to hear this is putting strain on your relationships, I can understand why.

Here's how I see it with grandparents, if you are going to have them in your life then you have to accept them as they are up to a point. If they do anything that will harm or distress your child then they have crossed that point. From an objective point of view, all the jiggling and wiggling with reflux crossed that line as it caused a lot of distress to your DD. Nose-grabbing and mis-timed playing, in my opinion, don't cross the line. (I'm not saying these don't distress you.)

I would protect your relationship with your wife first and foremost, have a code of sorts that you can signal to each other that you are annoyed, ideally something that might make you laugh or smile. If your father is generally a decent sort then try and forgive him his manhandling. You are possibly tense around them due to the reflux/wiggling which makes him think you are precious so he 'knows better' by being less gentle etc. so try and relax if you can. And bring up your daughter to communicate openly and kindly. It sounds like she has lovely, caring and sensitive parents, she is lucky girl

I'm wondering about your mother - surely she can see that what he is doing is annoying to you and your wife. I am a grandmother and if my DP started acting like that I would definitely tell him. Can you talk to her and see what her "take" is on all this. It all sounds a bit odd - why would he be wiping her nose anyway -usually this is the parent's job especially with such a young baby. Is this the first grandchild? I think you are going to have to take action when he is doing something inappropriate and stop him as actions might speak louder than words.

I think you are making a biggy out of this when it isn't a biggy. Having a child is life-changing. Your life will never be the same. No-one will know your child better than you do. No-one (at this stage).

Your parents are so well-meaning but they are getting things wrong because they do not know your child in the way that you know your child.

I think the cure is to have a proper conversation and for your child to spend not less time with them but more time. They'll grow to understand your baby. They already love your baby but they need to understand her/him.

Believe me, that the role of the grandparent is so so significant to children. My DCs have no grandparents now. But until recently they had a grandmother (one) whom they adored and she adored them right back. Please don't toss that relationship away because they are clumsy right now. They will learn to adapt to your child.

You will miss them when they are gone. And if you make the relationship work properly, so will your children.