Am i going to regret staying when I'm older or can marriage improve?

[Salbertina]

I could really do with some kindly, wise advice from older women who have been in my shoes and learnt some lessons.

I'm in a rather unhappy marriage of 10 years plus. Rarely been good. Dh is a good man but i feel we have little in common and there's no attraction on my side. Is this all i should expect? Can we work something out?

We have 3 school age kids who've said they don't want us to separate. I've lost a lot of confidence, am now in my 40s and am rather dependent on dh but don't want to stay for these reasons.

If its never been good and you have nothing in common and don't feel attracted to him, i can't imagine how its going to get better

You mention being dependent. With your children at school perhaps now is the time to be building more independence and life for yourself. Train for a job perhaps?

Sorry, i know Im not that wise!

Thanks for responding. I am trained, had a career all our life together until coming overseas (no work permit). The beginning was good, he's dc's father and a decent man..

So does that mean you can't work if you want to? That doesn't sound good!

If you split will you have to relocate? How old are the children? Would they want to stay there?

Sounds complicated!

I was in a similar position Salbertina. Although my kids were older. Nearly ready for uni. I decided I could not stay. I did work and managed to find a small flat/ lodging with a friends mum. My almost adult kids did find it hard, but also understood.my ex is a very good man and good dad. I am now re married.my learning is that there is no good or bad time to do it and no right or wrong, it's just a choice. Choose to be happy.

It is! And no i can't work here. I think sometimes i hide behind all this though, never brave enough before we moved to do anything either. To be blunt, he is a good man and there don't seem to be so many out there now I'm in my 40s. Yes i could and have been alone but then there's the dc to consider.

Thanks, Mini. I had quite a hectic, gallivanting 20s with a big, longterm romance which crashed and burned just before i met dh and left me heartbroken. Plus quite dysfunctional upbringing with dm v domineering to me and my father though they love each other still despite this! I think as result I've got a skewed sense of my own worth and what i should reasonably expect of a relationship. I thought dh was "good enough" and wouldn't hurt me and a couple of months later was pregnant. Now here we are! I have made some ill-considered, impulsive choices. And i realise this isn't fair on him either. He deserves more than i give him.

That's what I thought too. I wasn't happy and although he was settled with how it was, I thought someone different could give him much more, interestingly my daughter says now, you were bored mum, and you know she is right. We almost got on too well. Sad thing is I was quickly in another relationship ( we have now been together for 15yrs) he was alone for a long time, but now has a new partner and is happy. I was sad to cause him such pain, but then I had been unhappy too for a long time.
Do you have close friends that you can confide in? Counselling may help you to build your confidence and get clear about what you want. Also to undo the muddled messages from your childhood.

Glad it worked out for you, can't have been easy. I can relate to being bored- and he seems to think we can/should make it (unless game playing, who knows?) . Guess its either his sense of duty speaking and/or he has similarly low expectations (his parents unhappily married).

How are you Salbertina? Have you thought any more about what kind of life you want for yourself?

Thanks for checking ,
Um am kind of parking it as far as i can for now, focussing on kids. But still mull over of an evening.