Overbearing grandparent in laws

[nemo2310]

Im looking for some advice from grandparents please. My DS is 9 an a half months old and my inlaws are making me unhappy and resentful, I really hate feeling like this as I am never usually one to feel this way. We had a fantastic relationship prior to my DS being born, he is their 1st grandchild and they absolutely adore him.
The problem started when I trusted them to be the first to look after my DS alone when he was 3.5 months old (after them piling on the pressure and excessive hint dropping) I asked if they would like to watch him for an hour whilst I went food shopping. They took him and didn't bring him back for 5 hours!! I was deeply upset, he needed an additive in his milk for colic and he was over due a feed (I only packed 1 feed in his bag as I had a feeling this would happen). I had trusted them, it was the first time anyone had looked after him and I felt totally helpless. My DH wanted to say something but I felt that I would look like some stupid mum overreacting. I have them the benefit of the doubt, puttin it down to excitement and hoped that the newness would wear off soon. Other examples of things are my FIL taking my crying son out of my arms saying 'give him here' in a tone that was *you don't know what your doing. To which my son cried hysterically and was very upset. Any hints or direct instructions like please put him in his Moses basket now he's asleep is totally ignored, they wake him up as they say that 'we haven't seen him' if he's asleep when we visit. Once or twice a week is not enough for them as far as visiting goes. My mil turns up at the house with her friends without any prior notice, wakes up my son, if I don't get to the door quick enough she lets herself in with a key. The list goes on and on. I don't want to upset them but this is at the expense of my feelings?!? I am still on maternity leave and lovin every sec of it, even though we visit 2 a week they now want him on their own and I'm getting constant 'if we ever have him' sarcastic remarks. I'm worried that I'm still hurting over the 1st incident and finding it hard to trust them. They see him lots so why the need to see him alone all the time. My DH is really supportive but I just need an outsiders perspective please! X

They are being overbearing and your dh needs to put his foot down with them.

I'd change the locks tbh.

You are the Mummy. End of. They'll get used to the idea you just have to persist with it.

This has absolutely got to stop right now. Totally unacceptable.

First step: DH takes that key back. No ifs, no buts.

I am glad to hear he is supportive - that will make it all much easier.

Wow. They are totally over stepping the mark. And you are so patient!
I think your DH needs to take a stand as they are his parents.
You are their mother. You are in charge, NOT the GPs!

Also if someone woke my sleeping baby, hell hath no fury like a tired Mum. You need to set some boundaries. Change the locks.

Wow thanks everyone, I was starting to doubt myself! To be fair my DH has wanted to say things many times but I didn't want the confrontation, I was hoping that things would get better, it makes me hate visits and I know that is awful for my DH. They have bought, cots, high chairs, car seats all for their house on the presumption they will be Havin him lots but I don't want that, and now I'm being made to feel guilty, I really think they resent that their expectations haven't been met, I just don't recognise them anymore!! I think the time has come to allow my DH to set the record straight before I loose my rag and it all comes out

As others have said, he is your baby not theirs! You should not have to put up with anyone letting themselves into your home, for goodness sakes. I think you need to talk to your DH and agree what needs to be said, for example that they are welcome to see him but at prearranged times and that he will not be staying for long periods with them until you are ready. I think you are being more than reasonable and your pil are out of order.

A very difficult situation as you don't want to fall out with them entirely as you may need their help in the future for babysitting etc You are a new Mum and so you will be a bit possessive and emotional about your baby anyway- it's natural in the early days. The only person who can sort this out with them is your husband- they probably think they are just being helpful but he needs to ask them to step back and let you have your baby to yourself at the moment and not just let themselves into your house etc.

I am a grandmother of three boys and I wouldn't dream of visiting my sons or daughter in laws without prior warning. I just tell my sons and wives- they know where we are if they need us for any help or advice or to look after the children and I certainly wouldn't let myself in to their houses altho there is a key at our house for emergencies and they have one of ours. Mutual respect really. I ring up prior to visiting to make sure it's convenient - like you would with a friend. Would they like it if their daughter in law did the same to them? I doubt it. It's a pity that they have started off on the wrong foot - it's going to be hard to stop them going off in a huff. Tell them to join Gransnet !!
Suggest you put a bolt on the door or drop the sneck if it's that type of lock. They will get the message maybe!
Good luck with it anyway - don't let them win - I had a very overbearing mother in law who I couldn't get on with but fortunately she lived a long way away from us.

How long should you carry a small baby in a sling for? Are there rules anywhere? Or advice? Is it bad for their hips? I was told this by a friend.

While I am in agreement with Bebe, I do not have to go far to find a GM who is fearful of offering help, yet daily slagged off by a SIL who says GM doesn't care. A fact that makes it difficult for my brother to take her out when she complains she can't go out! And of course I am not inclined to assist as a result. Before you know it I will end up being slagged off too or dumped on.
My MIL 3 doors down did sod all, with an attitude my choice to have 'KIDS' which wrankles as it's CHILDREN doesn't she know! I am not quite sure how her son grew up human. Where as my Mum 200 miles away would come at the drop of a hat if she was 'needed' and go as soon as she was not. We called her Mary Poppins for that simple reason. It was all too obvious by the time my children grew up which Nan they preferred. My Mil was then not impressed saying along the lines of we didn't ask for help.

It looks like Hubby needs to talk to his Mum and Dad and get it sorted without alienating them for the times you may need them.

Why does she have a key to start with? Get the key back and request a call before she pops over. I'd stop all the negative care interference as well, citing a routine, healthcare, whatever. Keep smiling, iron fist in a velvet glove.

Hi everyone
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my thread.
Thought I would give an update, my DS is now 19 months old and I can finally say there may be light at the End of the tunnel, still a heck of a long way to go though. One thing is for sure, this journey has NOT been easy, in fact it has brought me close to the edge on a number of occasions, I have learnt so much and would hate to go through the same experiences again.

The in laws are still overbearing, demanding etc etc but I have learned to love that it all comes from the heart and they adore my DS more than anything else. Their priorities still leave a lot to be desired (we are expected to visit when they demand - still working on this one). My husband has been a rock and has most definitely supported me 100%, I think he finally saw how they were when we were moving house and they totally took over and didn't listen! He blew his top, put them in their place and things have got better, I'm just sad it had to get to that point - in fact he said he doesn't know how I've kept my cool for so long.

We have moved home so we are no longer on the route home from tow n so no more unannounced visits, she no longer has a key (she only had it last time from helping decorate and got herself one cut ??).

We still get the undertones of comments under the breath, especially when we told them of our intention for DS to attend day nursery upon my return to work, I have learnt to ignore these comments and respond by giving positive answers such as 'he loves playing with the other children and it works perfectly for us as a family'.
They got a little too demanding around how often we visited so my husband spoke to them and explained that he works full time and needs to spend quality time with me and our DS at weekends therefore a visit every week may not happen all the time, it didn't go down well to start with but it's good now.

I still not ready to let him stay out overnight yet, this definitely causes contention, but I will not be pushed on this subject, it has to be on our terms and when I'm ready.

I'm aware that I'm stubborn and need to forgive and let go all the things they have done and the hurt they caused me and I'm sure that time will come soon.

I think what summarises my experience is that my inlaws set their own expectations of what involvement they would have with our DS which we're never met in their eyes, therefore they had set themselves up for the hurt (expected DS to be sleeping over all the time, being care providers whilst I was a work (I was even told how many and which days of the week they were having our baby whilst 18 weeks pregnant)). what We needed to do was manage that expectation better and explain that we brought a child into this world to love, experience and bring up ourselves with help and involvement with all our family.

I hope to be lucky enough to have another child someday and will hopefully take my lessons learned forward to make for a much more positive experience.

I am happy and grateful to have inlaws who love our DS so much (my own mother has never even met him or cared enough to try) and hope the journey continues to improve xxx

Eek. Am glad I saw this thread, it's exactly the situation I'm hoping to prevent. Glad it ended amicably for you!

Hi, I'm really glad you found my thread useful, my advice to anyone now is to manage expectations as early as possible so as to avoid all the upset later down the line, I wish I'd spoken up earlier/ or let my DH do it on my behalf, I was trying to people please and not hurt anyone's feelings, but that was at the expense of my own! Good luck and enjoy every second of parenthood, the time passes way too quickly xx

Why an earth does your mother in law have a key to your house? That in itself proves there are some serious boundary issues.
I should imagine that they are probably aware of being "overbearing" but seen as nobody speaks up they feel they can continue.

They want him on their own so they can control the situation entirely. My inaws do it, perhaps they like playing mums and dads again, maybe they miss it, whatever I don't like it so they don't have my girl on their own. I don't trust them and I'm mummy so I make decisions and don't have to justify. It's a constant battle though, I feel your pain.

I think you need to cut back the contact they're having (twice a week is a lot). Perhaps set a date and time for next visit. Also why do they have a key? Take it away or lock the door when you're home so they can't let themselves in. DH needs to put his feet down, this behaviour is unacceptable. Talking a baby from their parents arms....I would have a massive go at them if it was me. You need to set boundaries and stop them getting away with it all. Then maybe you'll gain confidence in leaving baby with them. You need time to get there after all these things. I wouldn't leave my child with In laws who do this. You need to get this sorted asap or it'll get worse