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Original poster

DD throwing hissy fit because she says I am putting my disabled DP and his mother who has just had surgery before her and grandkids. :(

26 replies

squirrel3 · 03/09/2013 13:34

DD has cut me out of her life because she says I am chosing my DP over her.

My DP's father had pancreatic cancer and passed away last year during the summer holidays. I of course was there to help him through this difficult time. I cleaned up his Dad's sick etc and generally looked after him. After he passed I helped DP with funeral arangements and sorting out his fathers home and also supported him through the geiving process. DD didn't like it because I couldn't spend time with them during this awful time. DP and his parents live an hours drive from DD and I was exhausted (I am disabled with a chronic pain sydrome called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy affecting all four limbs and my colon and I get very tired easily). DD gave me an ultimatum during this time 'It was either DP or her and the kids'... I am ashamed to say it but I gave in to her blackmail and I broke it off because I love my kids and my grandkids.

DP became suicidal and I went back to him having told DD I would try hard to spend more time with them, which I have done, they sleep once a week and I see them as often as I can.

However, his mother had a serious fall on her stairs at the beginning of this school holiday and landed up in hospital having surgery to rebuild her badly broken leg... She is no weight baring at the moment and requires a lot of care... DP is also disabled, he has had a lot of his spine removed and has a 'cage' surrounding his spinal chord and metal rods supporting his spine. He has brittle bones (like his mum) and can not lift over 5lbs or the 'cage' could become lose and he can be paralysed...

Also DP has recently developed a serious problem with one of his hips, the circulation has all but stopped in the bone and he needs an urgent operation but with the nhs the way it is he is on a waiting list. He is in so much pain, I have never seen anyone in as much pain as he is right now in my life... He was told monday that he can't take anymore pain meds because his liver is bleeding and he could die so they have taken him off all pain meds.

And yes, I have had to again give up spending time with DD and my grandkids. DP can not cope with his mother alone, social services have been called but they will not help... There is no-one else that can help apart from me and I can't walk away and leave them to it... I have to be where I am needed. I have managed to take one day off a week so I can continue to have the grandkids but that is all. DD has thrown the biggest hissy fit and now want nothing more to do with me...

I have no idea what to do, I wish I could split myself in two but I can't... I am exhausted with caring for both DP and his mum despite being chronically disabled myself. I am emotionally exhausted from DD expecting me to somehow be in two places at the same time...

Sad
OP posts:
MadameGazelleIsMyMum · 03/09/2013 13:43

You sound lovely OP but it sounds like you have a lot going on. Is there anyone else who can help you with your DP and his mother?

I'm sorry to say but your DD sounds like an entitled brat. You are not obliged to help her/act as unpaid childcare. It should be something you do for pleasure, if you want to, and if it is convenient, which it clearly is not at the moment.

I don't know what to suggest, but you sound very kind and I am sorry this is happening to you.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 03/09/2013 13:48

I wish there was someone else to help MadameGazelleIsMyMum but there isn't... Sad

OP posts:
ParsingFancy · 03/09/2013 13:56

Good grief, squirrel, that's a huge load for one person to be carrying. Even without the horrible behaviours from your daughter.

I'm not up to offering advice on how to squeeze help out of social services, but other MNers may be, so I'll try to keep this bumped for you.

(I assume you already have things like DLA, Attendance Allowance, Carers Allowance sorted? If not, these can be used to buy in help - not enough, but better than nothing.)

Stropzilla · 03/09/2013 13:57

You poor thing! Trying so hard to please everyone but where's what you want? You can't be expected to care for DP and his mum 24/7. Perhaps your daughter is concerned for you and your wellbeing? You have in effect "chosen" dp over your daughter and grandkids by deciding to drop them to care for dp. Although it is lovely and unselfish of you, sometimes we NEED to be selfish. If his mum is that bad, social service needs to get involved. I know you say they won't but that's because YOU will! If you tell them you refuse, will they see her stay immobile? Her dr needs to be involved here, and MP if necessary.

Onesleeptillwembley · 03/09/2013 14:00

It sounds like they are both manipulating you with threats of NC and suicide. I think you need to step back and take a breather. And think about your own health, this can't be doing you any good. If things are that bad, social services will see you've stopped helping and then have to get involved. Thanks

Original poster
squirrel3 · 03/09/2013 14:34

Thank you for your replies.

I know I have had to choose DP and his mum over DD but I am still having the kids over once a week. I am trying to please everyone but failing miserably... I am doing my best.

DD isn't concerned about me, recently when I was in hospital for 10 days not knowing if they were going to operate or not hooked up to drips etc she only visited once for 10mins.

Social services will only offer a visit in the morning to help get her dressed (she can get herself dressed) and once at night to do the same. They don't care about the rest of the time when she has the 'trots' and needs cleaning up and changing several times a day.

If I walk away they will expect DP to do it, even though he physically can't...

His mother seems oblivious to the strain it is putting on us and tells everyone that we are coping very well and don't need help... I am at a loss...

I admit I am not a saint, I feel like walking away but I don't have it in me to do it. I worry about what will happene to them both...

Feel like I am being manipulated and taken advantage of on all sides and I really want to say 'Stuff the lot of you' but I can't...

OP posts:
Stropzilla · 03/09/2013 14:42

I'm sorry, I was trying to see the best scenario with your daughter. I'm sorry she didn't visit more in hospital, with that clarified it sounds like people are taking you for granted. You need to have a word with DPs mums Dr. Someone needs to step in. Can your dp tell social services there is noone to care for his mum and she will be left alone all day? If they say tough, perhaps a letter to a higher up, or even your MP would be in order?

Original poster
squirrel3 · 03/09/2013 15:13

DP's Drs the same as DPs he knows the situation but the Dr is in his 70's and down right useless. This Dr makes you put everything in writing to him explaining every symptom on an ordinary appointment let alone something like this (true, I have been with DP and written 2 A4 pages explaining DP's problems even before all fo this and he read it, then told me to write it in more detail, he needed more information!!! Sounds unbelieveable but it is true I swear!)

Thing is with DP is he loves his mum to bits and would do anything for her even if that meant putting himself at risk. I know if I am not there to do it he will, even if it means taking more pain meds when he shouldn't or lifting her when he shouldn't...

OP posts:
Original poster
squirrel3 · 03/09/2013 15:15

Very very tired myself now.. Sorry for typo's.

OP posts:
Original poster
squirrel3 · 03/09/2013 16:32

Just told DP he has to phone Social services again but he won't, says we are coping... Angry

He means I am coping, well I am not!!!!!

I just nearly passed out because it is all to much for me and we are coping?????????????????????????

I am not related to DP's mother, I guess I am not really involved legally but can I phone Social services myself and tell them what is happening?

OP posts:
ZolaBuddleia · 03/09/2013 16:35

If you are already having your DGCs over one night a week you are already doing a huge amount. DD is 3 and has stayed over at her granny's twice in her life.

Morgause · 03/09/2013 16:36

You can phone them and tell them you can't do it any more. And tell DP and his mum the same.

They are treating you like a servant.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 03/09/2013 16:42

Think I must have 'mug' tattooed across my forehead.

All I ever wanted to do was the right thing. Sad

OP posts:
ohmeohmyforgotlogin · 03/09/2013 16:43

Ask for a carer's assessment for you.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 03/09/2013 16:45

If my mother were in the situation I am I would be offering to help TBH

OP posts:
Isabeller · 03/09/2013 16:45

I have also found myself in a complex tangle of trying to meet the needs of several people and not being able to look after myself properly. The details were/are different and I think you have more on your plate than I ever had but the feeling of exhaustion and desperation is very familiar.

If you have a local Carer's Centre they would be a very good place to start and will know about sources of support you might not be aware of as well as being able to advise you about getting more Social Services help if possible. I found mine invaluable at various crunch points.

Good luck.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 03/09/2013 16:46

I am supposed to have a full time carer for myself and cant get it let alone care for or get care for everyone else... lol

OP posts:
Original poster
squirrel3 · 03/09/2013 16:48

Thank you Isabeller I will give them a call :)

OP posts:
ParsingFancy · 03/09/2013 16:59

squirrel, you sound like the most lovely, generous person.

It sounds like everyone is so used to you being there for them, they've forgotten you're a person too - and that they should be showing you a bit more of the care and consideration you gladly give them.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 03/09/2013 17:49

Awwwwe, thank you ParsingFancy Blush

OP posts:
canyou · 15/09/2013 13:45

I know people can be anti the EU but they have a charter on human rights for the elderly maybe look it up on line your MIL is entitled to a safe home environment and dignity etc invoke her rights. What did her hospital care plan detail are those needs being met?
Step back, mentally remove yourself and all external carers from the picture and write down what she needs to do to meet her basic needs.
1 she needs to get up and wash and dress
2 make meals tea etc
3 take control of and take meds at correct time
4 keep the House warm

give this to her Dr, the District Nurse, the social worker, physio etc make them steep up and do their job. Step back get your GP to write a letter saying you cannot do this physically anymore.
It is bar I had to do it with my Grandmother but it will get things done

expatinscotland · 15/09/2013 14:03

'If I walk away they will expect DP to do it, even though he physically can't... '

You can't, either!

Sorry, your daughter doesn't sound to great, but your so-called partner sounds just as much if not more.

You are going to have to walk away from all this caring because you cannot do it!

holidaysarenice · 15/09/2013 14:29

I wonder does your dd think that they are asking too much of you? That they might take advantage. Having worked in these situations there are many people who have walked away and they do cope.

Especially the suicide event may make me think ur being manipulated and that ur dd sees this too.

holidaysarenice · 15/09/2013 14:34

I wonder does your dd think that they are asking too much of you? That they might take advantage. Having worked in these situations there are many people who have walked away and they do cope.

Especially the suicide event may make me think ur being manipulated and that ur dd sees this too.

Bebe47 · 06/03/2014 06:48

What happened - hope you got the help for them.

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