what sort of parent were you and how did your kids turn out (please be honest!)

[rubytuesday11]

Hi grans,

before I had DD, now age 2 months I read a lot of parenting books to figure out what sort of parent I wanted to be. I decided I would base my parenting on 'attachment parenting' co-sleeping and carrying my baby in a sling so that she would always feel safe and loved. Co-sleeping has worked out great, and I use a sling, but not as much as I thought I would do, as I realised I didn't like the idea of having my DD's movement constricted all the time, as she seemed very happy lying on her back learning how to use her arms and legs and actually didn't need me to be around all the time. This caused me to reassess my parenting, I got some new books, and decided to go my own way with the parenting, picking and choosing bits of advice to make DD (and myself!) happy, But sometimes I do feel thoroughly confused about it all, i.e one book says swaddling is good, another says it's too constricting, one said loud noise calms a baby, another that it can be overstimulating. The current book I'm reading advises not going out with your baby for the first three months and the world is too frightening!!! Though I find this a bit over the top, I have to admit that DD seems happiest and smiles the most when she is at home in an environment she knows. So what to do? I wonder what the long term affects of my parenting style will be. So I wanted to ask if you'd share your personal stories of how you parented and how your kids turned out. I'd particularly be interested in hearing how your relationships are with your adult children. I don't get on that well with my own mum and feel angry about my own childhood, and i really want my own daughter to love me as an adult as well as child. Thanks in advance for sharing your wisdom!

Number one piece of advice is to burn all those baby books. Generate heat from them at least because they do not produce much light.
parent using your own instincts, which will be good and responsive to your own baby. You will know if she needs or likes to be swaddled etc.
Number two advice is respect your children and they will respect you when they are older. j have four children now in their twenties; plus another two and two grandchildren. try to give them a structured life and tell them what is going on with your plans for the family. I think what I am trying to say is to be firm that you are the adult, not their friend. Be able to laugh at yourself and your mistakes. be involved in their lives but not to the point of control freakery. they will need you more when they are teenagers than when they are babies, for some people that is a hard thing to swallow. there is no magic way to bring up children, each day brings a decision tha you have to make or a new challenge.
I am different to all my adult children but I think they all love me for my efforts and my daughter, who has just had her first baby asks me how I did it!

I was strict - wish I had had more patience now. I tried to encourage them to be independant and expected them to be polite and think of other people from an early age. I didn't spend every waking moment entertaining them but encouraged them to use their imaginations and make up their own games. I didn't use a sling or co-sleep but they all came into our bed in the night from time to time if they woke up. I loved them beyond measure and they knew that when they were growing up and still do.

Now they are all grown up and I can honestly say I have a really close relationship with them, as they do with each other. They know I would do anything for them and I think they would for me too.

hi this is my first message i am a gran (but called Nanny) good advice about burn all the baby books. i based my parenting on the way i was brought up and the training i received as an nneb(nursery nurse). my chidren had a routine from very early and boundaries were set early. good advice above you are their parent not their mate. always talk to them and explain your actions.
never make a threat or a promise that you do not keep. teach them to respect you and their home and other people andtheir homes. kiss and hug them often but do not allow them to dominate you. my children are now 45 and 40 i have two adorable grandchildren who love me dearly (I hope!!).
my children love me and respect me .in short set the rules,love them to pieces,but remember every child is an individual.

I think you are going to get a whole string of posts' from us wrinklies' telling you to burn the books'!
Do what feels right when they are small...that's all. They don't come with instructions'...but you come with instincts'. Enjoy it because it does fly by.
In the teens'...it's hard to get the hold/freedom balance. Each teen is different but the same if I am making any sense? For me...teens' were the hardest stage...the most challenging. Pick your battles' for sure.

I see dd (26) nearly daily,and ds (28) twice a weekish. They call me daily,though.

The 5 grandchildren are my beating heart I have not been well alately,and didn't see dd's 3 children for 2 weeks'. Went down yesterday,and they streamed into the kitchen on a rota basis every 10 minutes' to give me a hug
I so so luff them.

Dd2 (13) is my baby though

Ditch the books! Respond to your baby- they are all different,even within the same family. Mine hated swaddling.There is no such thing as 'all' babies.
They need unconditional love, to feel secure, to have boundaries, to have your time and also time to be bored. Above all you need a sense of humour. Mine have turned out fine and I am proud of them all- I am not a gran yet. I would go with covkid's last paragraph.

Give them roots and give them wings. Your job as a parent is to be redundant! If you have done it well they come back because they want to. The one thing that I would have changed was to get them to help in the house much earlier.

The thing is some mums love reading parenting books and find them really useful.

If I personally wanted to learn how to crochet, garden, cook etc I'd buy some books on the subject so why is parenting any different. Some people are driven by instinct but some are more analytical and like reading books.
Books are only harmful if you don't question them and stick to the letter. If you read around the subject you can make up your own mind. Many books give really good practical advice on dealing with sleep issues, behaviour problems etc.

It is probably a generational thing though. My mum dipped into Dr Spock but that was probably the only parenting tome around in the seventies.
Don't tell me previous generations didn't take advice from their GPS/ HVs or relatives though. There are some things instinct can't tell you.

Nothing wrong with books if you take the bits that suit you and leave the rest.

My advice would be to print the reply from 7to25 and keep it always, because it is the absolutely most sensible. Love, respect and instinct you cannot go wrong.

Of course you will makes mistakes raising your kids, we all do, but when your kids are grown, no matter how they turn out, you can say honestly that you did the best you could with the skills and knowledge you had.

My children are grown up now, I would say I was quite strict (children had clear boundaries and 'no' meant 'no'!) as a parent. But, I also had time for lots of fun. Both my children remember picnics in the park, playing games, flying kite, growing sunflowers. I was quite a young mum (2 children by the time I was 25), so I did have a lot of energy. I used to love going on the slide with them.

I didn't really read any childcare books either, just loved them (still do!!). I still do Christmas stockings for them and I love to spoil them when they come back home. Looking back, being a mother has been the most worthwhile and pleasurable part of my life :)

rubytuesday11 I think the fact that you really want to do a good job, means you're already doing a good job. Don't worry about it too much. I found I was much more impatient and enjoyed being parent to a very small child a lot less than I thought I would - I found it all very wearing, a lot of the time. But I did try. I remember once getting down to my dd's level and apologising to her after I'd snapped at her, and I'm glad I did, because I'd clearly upset her.

All you can do is to keep a watchful eye on yourself and tell yourself 's/he isn't being naughty; this is what being a (2-year old; 3-year old, 4-year old) is like' when the irritation builds up.

I think I was a 'good enough' mother when my dd was little, and quite a good mother as she got older. I found parenting an older child much, much easier. My dd is grown up now and seems to think I am a wonderful parent! We have an excellent relationship - much better than I had with my own mum. So the awareness when my dd was young, that I had to keep making an effort - that I wasn't a 'natural' - seems to have paid dividends.

I believe I did my best with my DD and thats all anyone can do. I read parenting books, listened to Dr. Phil, watched the other mums around me, then just made it up as I went along. She had routine and structure, but also freedom to play within the neighbourhood. I wasn't a helicopter mum but I set her rules like " Dont go past this street", " Be home by dark" and the all important " stranger danger". She is now a very independent, strong willed, young lady.... She dropped out of school at 15, despite my efforts to keep her there, and is now 16 and pregnant.
School is not for everyone, and pregnancy is not the end of the world.... It's the start of a whole new life.
I still love her just the same as I did the minute she came into this world and I wouldn't change a thing.

There is no real answer, There is no right or wrong.They will find their way through this life and become who they are ment to be.

I'm not a gran but thought I would add to this as it is something me and my own parents talk about a lot.

They were very strict (going out, only wanted us to do certain things in life etc) - and me and my sisters rebelled which lead to a very rocky relationships with our parents and all three of us moved out when I was 14 (other two were 16 and 19) to my grandmothers it got that bad!

My sisters still don't get on with them but I made amends with them when I was expecting Amelie- I wanted my kids to have both sets of grandparents in their lives. My parents continuously tell me they wished they were a lot more laid-back- it wasn't (and still isn't) in their nature though.

People can tell you what they like- at the end of the day (most of the time) you go by what your biology and experiences are telling you to do.

My mum is now drilling into me that you can't write your children's futures and you just have to take things as they come- try and guide, yes, but not control.

To ease your mind OP, I would recommend this article www.slate.com/blogs/how_babies_work/2013/04/10/parental_ethnotheories_and_how_parents_in_america_differ_from_parents_everywhere.html which briefly discusses research into how differently parents from around the globe parent their children, how focused each ethnogroup is convinced they are the one true proper parents (as shown in all those baby books) and how all the groups end up raising children into functional adults while being so very different in perspective.

One favourite example is how parents view the word "stimulation". They all "knew" what it meant - the Americans thought it was providing a good environment - that it was the toys and surroundings, not the people while for the Spanish it was the opposite - stimulation meant frequent walks, seeing people because they were most important for kids (there were other ways, but that amused me). Another good part is how different groups perceived the same thing - a child asking a lot of questions in American groups was thought to be highly gifted intellectually, while for Italians it was a child showing social knowledge and for the Dutch, it was a child being too dependent and a negative.

So many different ways, so many ways to be correct. Find out what is important to you, and they'll mostly turn out all right in the end.