advice please - new mum!

[cotswolder]

Hello all, am hoping for some advice here from grannies!

We have a 4 month old DD. I am learning to deal with both sets of new GP's in a different setting than before grandchildren!. My own parents are fine generally, partly because I am able to talk to them and tell what's what which they are great about.

The concern I have is my inlaws, and have a feeling I may have overstepped the mark this weekend. My inlaws are lovely and in the last 4 years I have been with DH they have been fine and very welcoming. They can however be a little touchy so both DH and myself do have to tread carefully at times. i went away this weekend on hen do which was not an easy thing to do, leaving DD. PIL came to support DH which was a great (only the third weekend they have seen DD but not the first time they have looked after her for half a day whilst we went out) and I left them to it, not leaving lists of instructions like I know friends have done (apart from some general ones like please don't walk down the narrow lanes due to fast drivers etc etc) - was pleased they were going to have time together.

I received a text from MIL on sat saying what a wonderful time she was having (pleased!), that I should not feel remotely guilty for leaving DD (which I promtly did for the rest of my time away!) and that she had taken her for a walk to the hairdressers down the road (neither of us have been there for 2 years since our wedding!) to say hello and show DD off. She said that the lady at salon offered my DD a baby massage with oils etc and MIL gladly accepted and proceded to have a wonderful time and how much DD enjoyed it.

Now this upset me. Partly as I was the one wanting to do baby massage and introduce DD to these things (selfish i accept), and partly as I think she should have asked DH or me before accepting for various reasons, parental consent, were we happy for her to do this, did DD have any problems that she should be aware of etc etc. I'm also slightly upset at the salon for doing this without any planning or parental consent. I've also been told massage on young babies should only be with neutral oils like sunflower oil etc rather than essential oils so bit pissed off.

DH knew I would be upset as soon as he found out and having talked to me (in tears) while I was away, he had a word with his parents, not exactly sure what he said to be honest only that she had upset me and that they really should ask etc. When I got back yesterday they were rather frosty to me and FIL could barely say hello - they left after lunch yesterday.

Now was I out or order in getting upset, am I expecting to much?, is this the type of thing that grandparents would expect to be able to do without asking? and how to do you about setting boundaries without upsetting GP's? (objective being for them to build a good relationship!)

Thanks for advice................

Poor you, Cotswolder! Feel very sorry for you, and know exactly how you must have felt.

New mums naturally want to be the first to do things with their babies, and imo your MIL should have texted you first, to make sure it was OK. I was a little that she didn't, tbh.

On the other hand, if this is her first grandchild, then maybe she wants to enjoy her too - but I think she is the one who has overstepped the mark.

Btw, whenever I look after my grandchildren, I like having a list, or at least being told when to feed/bed them, how to operate weird new gizmos like milk-warming machines, etc. In fact surely you need to know things like when a child will be hungry and what they can/can't eat?? When my first grandchild was born, I felt very nervous - much more so than with my own.

In a way, it's probably a good thing that this has happened, because it's a chance for you and your husband to discuss it and to present a united front to your PILs. When a child is born, it's a new experience for everyone - no-one is an expert in a particular baby (no matter how many kids they've had) because it's a new person and they are all different. Ideally you and your PILs should work together. You are the ones who know the child best, and they are the ones who can give you some ideas - things to try that have worked for them. But it's up to you if you ask for or take their advice.

A midwife once told me that it takes two years for a woman's body to get back to normal after having a child, and your hormones are probably having a raging battles over you right now. So everyone else should do what you want, imo. Apart from the baby, you are the most important person right now. What you say goes. Clearly, your relationship with your in-laws will benefit from you being kind to them and sharing the baby, but you decide what and when.

It's disappointing that they were so frosty with you. Surely a more normal reaction from them would have been to apologise. Someone probably needs to say something at some point, so you could be the one to say sorry first, for overreacting, if you want to - though it definitely was not your fault! - and then MIL will almost certainly apologise back for being insensitive. And you'll be able to take it from there.

Good luck.

I agree with Mellow. I am a new Gran,my grandson is 4 months old. When I babysit, I never do anything out of the norm without asking my DD. It is her son,not mine, even if I disagree with her decisions sometimes. It is not that long since I did babycare,as there is a large gap between my oldest and my youngest,but even in that fairly short time,there has been changes.

I think sometimes Grandparents think that they can still "mummy" their children,forgetting that they are parents in their own right and have to do things their way.

I would have a "word" and say something like "I know you were only doing what you thought was right and thinking of the best for your Grandchild,but this is something that I really wanted to do myself, blah blah." make a joke about "You know us new mums, we like to do stuff our way, I am sure you remember what it's like". That way your MIL won't feel alienated, but she will get the message"

I know my DD had similar problems with her MIL, but has all calmed down now.

Good luck

I would personally not do anything like this with my DGS without checking with my daughter first, but as your DD has not come to harm I would try to put it behind you and build bridges. Next time make it clear what you expect in terms of what they do, but it would be best to stay on reasonable terms as the day will come when you are happy to drop the grandkids off without a second thought and establish some me time with your DH. They must understand though that you need to have a high level of trust in them.