Going into a home...

[MissBetsyTrotwood]

My gran, who has lived with us and brought us up since we were 5 and 7 is about to go into a home, having been cared for previously by our family at my mum's house. We all feel she'll be happier there and, as the right room has come up at the right time in a lovely residential home within walking distance of where my mum lives, she'll be going in a fortnight's time.

She'll meet new people, be able to be mobile around the building and gardens and have activities tailored to her interest and needs. The home welcomes young children (I have two very active sons, 2 and 4 who love their great gran.) Losing her sight and becoming less mobile meant she was not feeling at all happy at home any more.

We're all feeling so sad though. I really want to help my mum (widowed 21 years ago) through the transition but just don't know how to support her. We're trying to stay positive about it and see it as a new beginning for us all, but can't help but feel really down about the whole thing.

I'd love it if anyone has any experience of this and could give us all some tips.

hi, i have no tips or experience apart from my gran is in a similar situation, my parents have been visiting her three times a day to prepare her meals etc and carers have been visiting three times a day. my parents recently went on holiday and she agreed to stay in a home for the time they were away (respite care). i visited her and she said how much she liked it but it wasnt home. they were hoping she would want to stay in but they have come back of holiday and she is now back in her own home, having told my dad she hated it!! she is nearly deaf and blind and cannot cope for herself but is adamant she can and the people living in the home were too old, she is far too young to go in a home (she's 86!)

it's not nice when it has to happen and i was nearly in tears when i visited her in the home but it is for the best and many places (if not all) let them go out for days so you could all arrange to have her to yours one day a week for the day.

i try to think of all the positives, people to talk to, people who can help her, not having to worry whether she has had her medication or a decent meal. i push all the negatives out of my mind and remind myself she is an old woman whether i like it or not.

although she is at home now i dont think it will be long before she has to go back into the home on a permanent basis.

Wow, your gran sounds a lot like mine. To be honest, it's just lovely to hear similar experiences and thank you for your sympathetic and moving reply. I don't know anyone else whose gran has been as much a part of their life as she has been to me and my brother.

Maybe the others in the home were too old for your feisty granny! Mine's 94 and in some of the places we saw the majority of the occupants were older and not half as alert as my gran. The youngest in the home is 75 and the oldest is 102. So nearly 30 odd years of age difference - I can understand how they could feel as though they didn't have much in common.

In fact, I spoke to my mum just now. My gran's beginning to have second thoughts. I guess it's only natural. I do think it's the right thing to do but feel really guilty, as if we're pushing her out.

I feel sorry for you both, but your grans are lucky to have such loving grand daughters.

I have told all my kids that the minute I become incontinent or otherwise incapable of looking after myself, I want to go into a home. To me, it sounds like a luxury hotel, and the only two things that would bother me would be lack of privacy - I wouldn't want to be forced to socialise - and pleasant surroundings. I shall ask my nurse to push me out into the garden in the morning and come back at night to collect me ...

Why do you feel so guilty? The homes you mention sound lovely, and it's not as if you are abandoning her. Good luck.

Unfortunately my mum is also in a home - (I am a Granni!). My mum is 90 and has dementia and cannot be looked after at home - my dad is 94! It's a very difficult decision for the family to make, but if your Gran still has all her marbles, then seeing her often and taking an interest in what she is doing will be wonderful support for both her and your mum. It will be very difficult for your mum, but if she knows there is strong family support - this will be a tremendous help.

I guess we all just had this unrealistic idea that we could and would care for her at home until she died. Leaving her on her own there and walking away and coming home to an empty house will be so hard for my mum. She's always been there, especially recently, sitting in her favourite chair, ready to listen or have a little moan to or a laugh with. We're going to miss her constant presence more than anything else.

But you're both right - it is a lovely place she's going to and she knows we're not shutting the door and forgetting about her!