Advice on behalf of my mum

[toeragsnotriches]

I'm posting this here because I think it may reach other carers going through a similar thing to my mum.

She cares for my very elderly gran (93.) They live together and have done since my grandpa died in 1984. My dad died in 1990 and so my brother and I have been brought up by her and my mum really.

Gran is becoming very very frail and requires constant care. She's pretty incontinent and complains about feeling ill most of the time. She sees a doctor regularly and is on medication for her blood pressure and indigestion but apart from this, and old age, she's well for her years. She's so depressed though and just wants to die.

My mum is doing her best but I think she needs more help as she's getting very tired, isolated and depressed with the situation. My uncle occasionally comes to relieve her, as do my brother and I but we both have young families and it's hard to give the care gran needs with two small crazy kids running around. Every time we broach the subject with my mum she just says there's nothing out there to help her and the only way to help the situation would be for gran to go into a home, which she does not want to do.

Does anyone have any experience of caring for an elderly relative like this? Were there any sources of help or support out there that you found genuinely useful?

First of all where do you live?
if it is in England your mum should contact county council social services and request a carers' assessment, and a community care assessment for your gran.
Services and support are available but what's on offer varies from county to county.So for example your Mum may be eligible for carer break vouchers that can be spent on buying in a sitting service, so that you Mum can have some free time,perhaps once or twice a week.
Also your gran may be eligible for a package of care if her savings are low as care is means tested in England.
Make sure you have claimed attendance allowance ( not means tested) as this additional income can be very helpful eg to pay for a cleaner.(go to directgov. for more info and to make a claim)
Ask the GP for a referral to the incontinence service and also ask for anti depressants.
Finally look up carer support for your local area.You may be surprised about what's on offer,such as support groups and outings but again it can be post code variable ( try carersnet)
hope this helps

Thanks so much for such a detailed reply!

The most difficult part of the situation is how sensitive my mum is about it. Each time we make suggestions she just denies that they could help... She offloads onto us but doesn't seem able or willing to seek any help or support for them both.

But this is really good because I can just drop in little ideas, like the sitting service and that might slowly tip her into looking for some more support. I also don't want her to feel as though we're going behind her back as she'd be really hurt by that.

I think part of the problem is that my gran cared for her mum until she died at home and she wants to do the same for her. But she wasn't as elderly and there just didn't exist the medical support for the common conditions of old age like high blood pressure so more people died younger.

Anyway, thanks again and there's a lot to work with there.

Toes
Glad to help, part of my day job
It may be helpful to remember that being a carer is now an important part of your mum's identity, and the pleasure/pain we all feel from being needed.
It's a bit like that intense neediness that accompanies being a new mum or parent of very small children. You may moan about the sleepness nights and tantrums but wouldn't feel as valued without it.
It can be very hard for you watching her go through this, especially as you say she seems depressed, and if you have small children too would probably like her moral and practical support too ( I know I would )
All I can advise is 'gently gently catch the monkey' and continue to be her safe place to moan.
The truth is your Gran may not see many more Summers but it sounds like your family is a loving and caring one, and for that you are blessed.

My gran was in a position where living at home on her own was becoming unfeasible. For various reasons the family could not become live in carers. The advice (from a GP) when she had a fall was to get her admitted to hospital. Getting care when you are living in your own home is hard, but coming out of hospital they have very, very good systems in place to support people getting back into living in their own homes.

Bizarre I know. But if she is struggling healthwise then a GP happy to refer her may be helpful rather than feeling like a negative thing.

you're right Skiing, the tipping point often is a crisis such as a hospital admission.
Care is available but accepting it is often difficult for all sorts of reasons.

I think one of the reasons she's lived so healthily and so long is because she's been a very very important part of the next generations of the family - you're right, I do feel blessed to have had such a close relationship with her.

We did have a crisis when my mum went on holiday. My uncle was there and she ended up in hospital with a terrible stomach upset. Needless to say, we didn't tell my mum during the holiday and because it was all 'sorted' when she got home it didn't make a lot of difference to her attitude to caring for her.

My gran will be well cared for at home but it's mainly the strain put on my mum that worries me so I think the softly softly approach will be the best for now.

Please give some real consideration to the anti-depressant idea. My MIL cared for her dad for 12 years - he was in his own home but she visited every day, did his shopping, cleaning etc. It was really hard for her and in the last few years he was constantly saying he wanted to die and talked about "ending it all". It was very upsetting for her and she found it really hard to face every day. An occupational therapist who visited suggested anti-depressants and they made such a difference. He was in his 90's too and you really don't have to worry at that age that they will be on them for a prolonged period that may be harmful. Anything you can do to make life more enjoyable for your Gran and easier for your Mum is worth doing.